Marnie's musings

A quiet weekend.....thankfully!

2011-08-14T09:19:00.002+08:00

Well it's Sunday morning and we are having a much quieter weekend than last week - thank goodness!!

The highlight of last Saturday was while Dan, Lach and Cody were away at Wagin karting and I was left at home with Niamh, Max, Blake and Isla. Max and Blake were being very silly - just one of those moods where I couldn't calm them down no matter what I did. Blake gave Max an almighty shove in the back towards the dining room window and Max went through it - arms outstretched! Both hands got cut up and there was an awful lot of blood and screaming and panic (the panic was mostly from me, LOL!)

After a distress call to Grandad and a quick trip to the hospital Max had his hand glued up and I had called a glass repair man to fix the window. In the end the cuts weren't too bad but still not something I care to repeat in a hurry!!!

This weekend we have spent pottering around the house tidying and cleaning, doing washing and generally tidying up
Lachlan has his friend Jarred coming over shortly so he is looking forward to a day outside riding bikes in the dirt. Cody is glued to the playstation once again and the little kids are running around causing general havoc (as usual!!)

I will dedicate the day to washing and folding laundry.... I am determined to find the floor in there today!! Wish me luck!!!

M
xx

reflecting....

2011-08-09T22:10:00.002+08:00

As I sit here late at night (Yes, I should be in bed!!) my mind once again drifts to my Mum and how much I miss her. I am left wondering... does it ever get easier? It's been two years now and I guess in a way it is easier.. I no longer feel like I am in denial about her being gone... nor am I begging the universe to do me a deal and bring her back... but it hurts. It hurts every time I think about her. Every time my kids do something amazing, or funny, or they are sick or hurt themselves... the first thing I think of is... I want to pick up the phone and call Mum! She was really my best friend. She was the one I turned to every time anything at all happened in my life. She was my main support but more than that she was my friend. I cared about all the little details of what was going on with her and I know she cared about all the same things in my life.. unconditionally! I feel like as time goes on I am forgetting the little things.. what she smelled like, all the tiny details, what it felt like to hug her.... I remember in the last month or so of her life when I was still in a bit of denial and Mum stood in my kitchen with her arms around me supporting me and telling me that I was going to be ok!! I would give anything to feel that hug again :'(

It feels like 2 years on I shouldn't still be thinking these things. Like I shouldn't be expressing them because the world has moved on and the accepted 'period of mourning' is over. I don't feel like people really want to be reminded of such sad thoughts and so I just keep them to myself.... and occasionally when it gets too much I spill them out in a forum such as this.

M
xx

PS: I'll come back tomorrow and update with general news of our life when I am feeling a little more cheery!

2011-08-01T13:33:00.004+08:00

In other news... Monday again - blerch!! I really don't like Mondays :( It means that it's a whole 5 days till we can spend the day with Dan again and I can get some back up in this mad house!

We had a good weekend though, Saturday was spent doing the usual cleaning and running around to Ballet etc.. then Saturday night I had a few drinks and watched some movies with the kids while Dan and the older boys worked on their Karts in the shed. There was some pretty wild weather overnight Saturday

We woke Sunday morning to find the Trampoline had flown accross the yard and landed very close to the back verandah. We were supposed to be having a family photo shoot Sunday in the bush out the back but of course it had to be postponed till next Sunday due to the weather!! We spent the rest of Sunday just hanging around the house while the kids played and we pottered around doing washing and tidying etc.. .

Sunday night was my brother in law's birthday party at the Yacht club in rockingham so we headed out about 5pm and spent a lovely evening amongst family and friends celebrating with him. It was a great night and a lovely end to a nice cruisy weekend!

NEXT - my new obsession!!

2011-08-01T13:09:00.002+08:00

Ever since my friend Simone introduced me to the website for NEXT (a UK based clothing store) I have been in heaven!! I love ordering the kids clothes online and waiting for the postie to bring our goodies! I love the anticipation of waiting and the feeling when they finally arrive and you get to open up the parcels like it is christmas time!! It has been especially good because Next do free postage site wide so it works out to be pretty comparable to prices in Aus except in my opinion, a whole lot nicer than the clothes available for the kids here.

So far I have bought them everything from socks and undies to big winter jackets, dresses and tights, t-shirts and shoes!! Today when the postie arrived she bought with her a delivery that Cody has been waiting on for ages... He desperately wanted a pair of Red Converse Chuck Taylors and today they arrived..... He's going to be so happy when he gets home from school :)

Contigo cups!!

2011-07-27T17:04:00.003+08:00

Now I am the first to admit that I love to buy things!! Lately I have been on a mission to find the kids good drinking bottles for school and weekend activities.. I am sick of them breaking as soon as I buy them from places like KMart and Target!!

I think I have found the perfect drink bottles/cups!! They are called Contigo cups and they are awesome!! I ordered 6 of them to begin with and am already loving them :) They have an autoseal technology where the only way you can make the liquid come out is to squeeze the large button near the neck of the cup. Between sips it seals off again and there are no spills and no leaks. It means that when the kids drop their bottles on the floor of the car it will no longer pour out everywhere all over the vinyl! I will also no longer have to deal with the inevitable soggy schoolbag/books and contents!

I ordered a 'Trekker' kids cup for Isla in Purple, Two stainless kids cups in Orange/Yellow and Green/Blue for Max and Blake, and three 'Swish' bottles in Red, Blue and Pink for the older three. The only complaint so far is that the smaller three bottles are really quite small and I am having to refill them quite frequently (not such a big deal) so I am thinking that I will keep those stainless ones at home and order Max and Blake (and maybe myself) another 'Swish' bottle for school use :)

Anyhow.. that is my little review and rant about our new Contigo cups - I am loving them!!

underway!

2011-07-15T14:49:00.003+08:00

OK, so I am underway! I have resisted any junk food or carb laden food for a few days now and am actually feeling good. I have begun keeping a food diary to be accountable for my food intake and have decided to totally abstain from wine for just a little while to get me on track! After I have some new habits set up I will introduce a few glasses here and there but for this weekend I am best off staying right away from it!

I have also started using my treadmill. I realized that there was no point in waiting till the kids go back to school. I need to stop making excuses and start making it happen. (cliche I know, but it's the truth!)

I got Niamh to take some 'BEFORE' photos of me in my bathers....EEEEEK! Those shots won't be making an appearance anywhere soon but at least I have them to refer to and they really have helped me to see that I can't kid myself any more. People try to be kind and tell me I look fine or that I must 'hide it well' because they can't see that I need to lose 20 kilos. Well... let me tell you! There is no hiding anything in these photos!! LOL!

All in all I am feeling very motivated. I just need to realize that this is going to take a long time and won't be something I can do in a week.

In other news....

We are one week in to the school holidays and so far it hasn't been too bad. The kids are enjoying a PJ day today and have just been hanging out at home playing on the Wii and watching TV and movies. Yesterday we went to the foreshore and I bought them fish and chips for lunch, they day before that we played with some friends at their house and Tuesday was another day at the foreshore with a different set of friends (this time Neevie's school friends!)

My house looks like a bomb has gone off with this many kids around all day long but I have decided not to worry about it! I can't really control it and if I try to I will just go mental so best to let it go and deal with it in another week ;)

It's friday today so I am looking forward to spending some time with Dan over the next few days. We have nothing planned for tomorrow at all so might go out somewhere as a family. We can't really afford to do anything with an entry fee this week but we might just go for a picnic if the weather plays nice! On Sunday Lachlan and Cody are signed up for a Rookie Development Day at the Kart Club (Cody is now racing too! We bought Lachlan a new larger Kart and Cody is going to take over Lachlan's older smaller one!) Since they will both get a go on Sunday I might see if I can pop out there for a while and take some Video of Cody having a drive! Then Sunday night we are going to Wendy and Matt's for dinner with the whole family so I can't wait for that - should be great!!

So there you have it... All is good in the Horton household this week :)

M
xx

The ugly truth

2011-07-12T07:42:00.002+08:00

OK - I can't avoid it any longer... I need to face up to the ugly truth and start to deal with it!!! I have always been bothered by my weight but never have I felt this bad about my body. Since taking the AD's I have steadily gained weight till I am now at the biggest point I have ever been in my life. There's no denying it! I feel fat. I look fat. My clothes don't fit me and I am extremely unfit as a result.... time to put my words into action!

I have about 20kilos to lose (OMG!! Even saying it out loud it sounds so hideous!!) It's time to stop making excuses and start doing!! I am planning on following CK again and just recently Dan and I bought a schmicko treadmill that is sitting in our toy room - ready and waiting!! We decided that since we have hired three times before at about $500 a pop we were better off to actually buy one and keep it :) It means that I will be more able to find time to exercise but I am still going to have to MAKE the time. I will need to get out of bed earlier in the mornings before the kids get up if I want to be uninterrupted. That means I will have to go to bed earlier at night times. I will also have to be more organised and plan better when it comes to meals and food. It's going to take practice and I am going to stuff up occasionally but I need to make myself remember that this time it's not all or nothing... it's a journey and if I stray occasionally the trick will be to get back on the right path ASAP instead of throwing in the towel and declaring the 'diet ruined'.

So there you have it. Short and sweet. That is my plan. There's no point going on about it - I just need to get on with it!

Marnie

A good weekend :)

2011-07-03T22:05:00.002+08:00

It's Sunday night and we have just had a great weekend :)

Friday night we took the kids out to Dinner (just at Hungry Jacks) and then to the movies to see Cars 2! Cody has been busting to see it for 6 months now since he first heard it was being released so he was very very excited!! The kids all had a great time and loved the movie even though the little three got a little bored in the last half an hour (it was quite a long movie with a complicated plot for a kids story!)

Saturday I took the 4 youngest with me to Niamh's ballet class and Dan took the two older boys to Wagin for a dirt Kart meet. Lachlan as always was very happy for the chance to get back on the track and this time Cody actually got an opportunity to have a go too! They had a special day where unlicensed drivers could have a drive on the track so he was more than happy to give it a whirl!! Dan said he really loved it so that was good for him!

Today we spent the day filling up a huge skip bin at the Baldivis house. We still have a lot of stuff there that we never shifted out and have decided it's time to get serious and totally empty it all out. We need to clean up and spruce it up (a bit more paint and fresh garden beds etc..) and then we just HAVE to get rid of it and move on! I am so sick of living in limbo while it is for sale and the housing market is just SO dead at the moment :( It's a bad time to be selling but we are stuck where we are so we just really need to suck it up and get on with it!

half way through the Day the kids were getting really restless so I bought the little 4 home and left Dan, Lach and Cody there. We came home and baked cookies together and then miss Isla had a sleep and I even fell asleep on the couch too <3 aaaahhh.. bliss!!!

So there you have it!! Our full weekend and not a day of crying or screaming in sight :) I am feeling a lot better these last few weeks. I have upped my meds again and am starting to feel a lot more in control. I think I need to just accept that I can't come off these tablets just yet... maybe not till the kids are all at school even :( I had tried to reduce them myself (Dr said it was ok) but it turns out that it's not a good idea for me. It sent me into a spiral of depression and anger that I couldn't control. I don't like taking them but I don't like living the way I was much either so that is my choice!

I am also planning to begin exercising again from tomorrow. I have organised a treadmill so that I can fit it into my day and I want to start the couch to 5 k running program again soon. I have gained so much weight this last year that it's time to stop and reverse the trend! I think my medication makes it a bit harder but I have to do something and at least the exercise should help with my moods and attitude, if nothing else!

Well, it's now 10 o'clock and my baby girl has finally decided she will stay in her bed so it's time for me to go to bed also. Thanks to those that are still reading my blog and offering their support <3 it is much appreciated!! xx

M.
xx

more of the same...

2011-06-17T12:04:00.002+08:00

I still have a thumping headache...

I have still been yelling at the kids all morning

they have still been screaming screeching and totally ignoring everything I say to them....

Sometimes I truly think that these are not children I am raising but wild animals....

*sigh* at least it's the weekend and come 5 o'clock there will be two sets of hands on duty. Bring on the weekend and a good stiff drink!

A bit better today...

2011-06-16T12:11:00.003+08:00

Thankyou to my gorgeous family members who were concerned about me.. I seriously didn't think anyone read this blog any more - oops! I have had a long phone conversation with my cousin (who is more like a sister to me) and I feel ok. I am not better but I am going to be ok so don't worry peeps ;) I promise I won't do anything stupid and I will struggle on until life gets easier... it has to one day soon..... right?? (LOL, I've kind of been saying that for four years now - one day it will come true!)

There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I can't do anything to fix and I think that is the most frustrating part. Top that off with the stress I feel all the time and I am bound to have some down days... I'll be ok.

I am worried about the kids and I feel like I am not doing a good enough job with them but I am doing my best and will continue to do my best for them as long as I am their mum.. that's all I can do.

I'm a bit surprised by the emotional week I have had.. I really thought I had it all under control and I was on the up, but I guess it all just snuck up on me again... I will keep taking my medications and I promise that if I don't improve I will make another Dr appointment before it gets out of hand again ;)

Thanks again, I do know I have family that love and care for me.. I just feel like I am doing a two person (at least) job all alone and it's a bit tricky at times, once again... I'll be ok! xxx

A really bad day :(

2011-06-15T16:03:00.003+08:00

The words to Katy Perry's song Firework have been going through my head all day "Do you ever feel, already buried deep, 6 feet under, scream but no one seems to hear a thing?"

I feel like all I ever do online is whinge and complain but the truth of the matter is that no one is listening! I doubt anyone is even reading my blog any more... so here I go because if I don't get this out it just might eat me alive! It might be irrational and emotional and it might not even make any sense in parts but it is how I am feeling and right now that is scary :(

I don't like my life at all at the moment. In fact I go so far as to say I hate my life. I feel like a failure at parenting because I have an extremely short fuse and spend all my time screaming profanities at my children. I am one of 'those' mothers. I hate who I have become and today I have even been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I get so mad that I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins and I can hardly control my temper. Often I am driving at the time and thoughts flash through my mind of driving into the nearest tree with me and whatever kids are on board the bus at the time.

The level of stress that I live with is unbelievable. If I don't die from a heart attack or stress related disease before I am 40 I will be really really surprised. That means that the kids also live with that stress. There is so much screaming and fighting and threats of abuse in our house it's not funny and this is not once in a while... this is a daily occurrence... more than daily... all day long actually! It is not healthy for anyone and I hate the way the kids are growing up with it . They are becoming angry aggressive screaming little balls of stress.

I am so ashamed that this is the kind of mum that I have become. I am failing my family and especially my kids on so many levels :( I am embarrassed to admit that I feel like I made a huge mistake. I had too many kids and I can't physically or emotionally handle parenting them all. There is just not enough of me to go around. I am impatient, cranky and angry instead of the loving kind and nurturing mother that I always thought I would be. They all have their own unique problems and issues that need my attention and I feel like I just can't give them what they need. That kills me inside, almost as much as knowing that they are growing up and will remember that their mum constantly says that she hates being their mother, that she hates her life and that she wants to run away and never come back... how bad is that? I am truly damaging them forever right now and I just don't know how to stop it.

Our stress is totally added to by the financial issues are are facing. We are STILL trying to sell our Baldivis house and we just don't have enough money to make ends meet at the moment. We can't even afford to pay the bills and living expenses let alone any money for me to get some help with cleaning or the kids (daycare or nanny etc..) or for me to spend on exercise activities for myself to try and get my mind in the right place. SO I feel like we have made another mistake by shifting here and stretching ourselves so badly. We have now backed ourselves into a corner because we can't sell either place (the market is so bad) and we are stuck here hoping for a miracle :(

Of course I still feel lonely. Funny how a mother of 6 can feel lonely... but I do. I am all alone. I have no one to talk to and no one that really gives a crap (except Dan but he is busy trying to tread water just like me). I miss my Mum. If she were here I know she would care and I know she would try to help me out - truth is if she were here I probably wouldn't be like this.

So there you have it... the ugly truth! Now I will hop back into my shell and plaster on my brave face so I can face the world again tomorrow and try to pretend like everything is fine. I am sure I will feel better again in a few days.. not totally fixed because these issues have been plagueing me for the last 4 years but I will bounce back enough to carry on - I have to! I am Mum. (for what that's worth).

A quiet day at home...

2011-06-12T12:04:00.002+08:00

Today I am spending a quiet day at home with the four youngest while Dan is with Lachlan at Go Karting and Cody has gone along to watch for the day. So far it's midday and all I have managed is to have a shower and get dressed...ooops! LOL! There is a lot of housework to be done but I am procrastinating and spending time on the computer so thought I would do a quick blog post before actually achieving anything today :)

I've had a busy weekend so far! Friday night I went out to Carousel with some girlfriends for Dinner and a few drinks so that made a nice change - it was great to go out and let my hair down a bit! Got home around midnight so not too late but still managed to drink a nice amount of white wine and feel it's effects the next morning ;)

Saturday I got up and took Niamh to Ballet (Isla came with me) then rushed to the shops for presents, wrapping paper and a few essentials. Back to Ballet to pick up Niamh and then straight to her little friend Katie's house for a birthday party. After the party finished we went to Rockingham City as I didn't have any clothes to wear Saturday night for Taylah's Confirmation. Home after shopping and got ready to go out to church. Niamh came with me in the evening and after Mass we went back to Kim and Tom's for supper and to give Taylah her presents. Finally got back home around midnight again!!

So all in all nothing too exciting but still a busy weekend.... story of my life really!

I've been feeling really uncomfortable with myself lately so I am also sitting here reflecting. I need to lose weight. Plain and simple!! I am the biggest I have ever been at the moment and I hate it!! I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel and I am just not happy! I know I can do something about it but my main issue is that when I am trying to lose weight I am most motivated when I can exercise aswell. I am finding that with a lack of funds for gym memberships or hiring equipment that is almost impossible :( Winter weather is here and I am always with the kids so there is no other real way of getting anything done and when I don't exercise my mind just isn't in the right place... unfortunately I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person.

Another thing that has been bothering me is finances.... We are having a real tough time at the moment for the first time in about 10 years and it's not a nice feeling. We have had our Baldivis house on the market for about 7 months and it is just not selling. We have now dropped the price three times and we are at the lowest point we can possibly sell it for... I am just praying that it sells soon :( I love living on our 5 acres but there are so many things that I want to change about the house.. unfortunately for now that is just a Lotto dream and I don't ever see us being able to do those things unless life changes drastically. Right now I would settle with being able to pay bills and occasionally having enough money to go somewhere on the weekends with my husband and kids.

I know I shouldn't complain though... I am blessed with a healthy happy family and that is all that really matters. We have what we need... a roof over our heads and food on the table. Clothes on our backs and love for each other <3 I am sure that things will change financially for us... we just have to hang in there and stick it out.

Oh well... I've got a little girl here who is desperate for me to do puzzles and board games with her so I had better go and do the mummy thing. Next time I will try to add some more photos of our 'new' house and the kids.

M
xx

A quick photo from the weekend :)

2011-06-08T18:12:00.002+08:00

It's almost the middle of the year! Ooops!

2011-06-08T16:47:00.002+08:00

I know I said I would be back and update... but here we are in June and I haven't kept my promise! I doubt anybody still reads my blog anyway but I like to be able to look back on it myself and see how far we have come and how things have changed!

SO what have we been up to?

The twins have settled right in to Kindy and are loving being at school. They do every Tuesday and every Thursday and then every alternate Friday. At the moment they are still very demanding and I find myself more often than not wondering when they are going to grow up. I know that sounds horrible and I am not wishing their childhood away, rather their insane need to throw a tantrum over the smallest irrational things.... climbing into car seats on their own... getting the right colour cup or bowl... having their sandwiches cut in whichever manner they deem necessary on that particular day... you know the kind of thing I am talking about - it's enough to drive anyone mental!!

Isla is now two and a half and no longer a little baby. She is a big girl and hardly ever uses a pram any more. She sleeps in a big bed and sits on a proper kids dining chair... no more babies for me! It's a weird feeling.. I have done babies so intensely for so many years that I am nervous about what lies ahead. Isla is turning into a gorgeous little girl though <3 She is totally obsessed with 'the Fairies' and dressing up as a fairy. All she wears all day long are various fairy dresses and wings and watches 'The Fairies' DVD's on continuous loop when I let her! She has started doing 'Fairy Dancing' at the local fairies shop in Rockingham and is LOVING every minute of it - so cute!! She is a pretty easy going kid and doesn't require a lot of attention but at the same time she surely lets you know when she is not happy or she wants something, LOL!

Niamh is in Pre Primary and going well. She is enjoying school and does Dancing twice a week at Betty Bentley Dance Academy in Port Kennedy, which she really really enjoys! Lachlan and Cody are also doing really well. They are year 4 and year 2 respectively. Lachlan is still struggling academically but we are working hard to build up his self esteem and help him adjust his attitude to school. He is still go karting on the weekends and lives for it! Cody is a natural at school and doesn't even need to try.... though I am sure that if he would try he would of course do even better! He tends to cruise along quite easily so sometimes I think I don't actually pay enough attention... but he can also be a little bit...dare I say... lazy? and does the bare minimum to get through (even though it is usually easy for him!)

As a family : Last weekend we went to Kalgoorlie for Dana's 30th birthday. It was a nice weekend and the kids loved catching up with their little cousins! We stayed at Rod and Dana's and just spent a few chilled out days with them before making the 600k (odd) journey home again. The kids were surprisingly well behaved in the car on the way there and we only made one stop. The drive home was a little more painful but they were still pretty good. The twins did a fair bit of screaming and whinging until the last 100k's or so when we sat Lach between them and had him hold my iPad so they could watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

All in all we have just been busy with life. I will post some photos of the kids as soon as I get a chance... I need to go get the troops dinner ready now but I will be back to play some more soon....

2011 - The year of ME!!

2011-01-06T14:02:00.002+08:00

I am back!! :D It's been ages since I have posted and so much has happened. I won't go into great detail except to say that We have now shifted to our new house in Wellard on 5 acres and it was the best decision we could have made for ourselves. I feel at home here and the kids absolutely love all of the space! They can kick balls, ride bikes, run around and play on the trampoline etc..

We also got a puppy dog just before christmas - a gorgeous little black Lab called Vada. She is such a cutie and has been so well behaved. She is already such a huge part of our family and I couldn't imagine living here and not having her, we all adore her!

I am still taking my Lexapro but I am finally ok with that! I feel like I am coping well with life and although I will always miss Mum, and although Dan and I have been through a hell of a few years it is now time to start looking forward as best we can. I am ok with taking the tablets at the moment because I know that they are supporting me and just helping me to be a better mum to the kids. Without them I was a grumpy, miserable, screaming mess but now I am much more balanced and feeling positive for the first time in a long time (probably a combination of time healing some wounds, and the Lexapro)

So... here we are the beginning of 2011 and I am feeling ready to face the world! I have decided that this is going to be the year of ME. It is time I start putting my own needs and wants first (something I haven't done for a long time!) I need to focus on getting healthier and eating better and also on exercising and feeling better about myself.I need to lose about 15 kilos so I intend on doing that this year with the aid of Weight Watchers and their new Pro Points program.

Max and Blake go off to Kindy this year (hard to believe that when I started this blog I was just pregnant with them!!) It will be a bittersweet moment for me. I am SO looking forward to having just Isla at home with me and FINALLY being able to have some sort of a normal life for at least two or three days a week!! On the flipside I feel like they are still very 'young' and I'm not sure how they will go - but they are very excited and I am keen to see how they adapt to school life :)

I also plan on spending a little bit of time finding a hobby that I can enjoy.. maybe some scrapbooking or sewing again.. It's been so long since I have done anything like that just for the joy of it - it will feel weird but I think this last 4 years I have earned it!

*sigh* oh well... school holidays at the moment I have the kids whinging at me for food and drinks so I had better go! I promise to keep updating through the year and document my 'year of me'.

M
xx

woe is me..... (again)

2010-07-09T11:42:00.002+08:00

Be warned... this post is likely to turn into a full blown pity party!

It has been 13 days since I hurt my ankle and in that time I have spent 95% of each day with my butt firmly planted in the same position on the couch!! To say I am over it is an understatement!!

Since my last post I have been to see the Orthopedic Surgeon at Murdoch and the good news is that he says there is a 90% chance that I will recover fine and not need surgery. My ankle is a lovely array of blues blacks and greens (now beginning to turn to yellows) from my toes to mid calf and it is still extremely painful to move or place any weight upon. The cast has now been removed and I have had a 'boot' fitted. The boot is like a massive plastic brace that covers my lower leg to my knee. It has a rocking base on the bottom that is supposed to allow me to learn to walk on it. I have affectionately named it 'robo-boot' and it looks like something out of transformers or star wars! LOL!

As I kind of expected, the help is drying up. My friends were fantastic in the first week when I hurt myself but it's school holidays now and everyone has their own kids to deal with too. My Dad would do anything to help me but he is away in the UK visiting Darrin at the moment so it's just us! I am beginning to think that the universe is trying to teach me something about survival and dealing with adversity alone :(

I DO count myself lucky that I have been able to get the in home daycare help back for at least 6 weeks. I contacted them last week saying I didn't know what I was going to do and they have been very helpful. Even though I am able to get up on my crutches and move around a little bit now, I am still finding it incredibly difficult to do anything. I can't pick up the kids, I can't make them lunch, I can't make myself any food or even carry a cup of coffee... basically I am stuck :(

I have started seeing a physio yesterday and he was nice enough, though BRUTAL!! I am still wincing from the pain and the worst thing is I have to go back again today and again tomorrow (and then half a week after that) I think I will be seeing him for quite a few sessions. He said that he didn't usually get excited by ankles, but that I had done a really good job and had a whole shopping list of things I had done to it. There are three torn ligaments and the broken bone and although the bone is what is causing a lot of pain, the one ligament that will cause the most trouble is the one holding the tibia and fibula together above my ankle. Somehow I managed to tear that one and that might mean that down the track my ankle will stiffen and loose range of motion again as an ongoing problem :( Hello expensive physio bills!!! :(

Now, to get to these physio appointments I need someone to drive me. It seems that there is no one so guess what?!?? although it's pouring with rain and thunder and lightning outside I am attempting to hobble my way into the drivers seat and drive myself there! (also have a psych appointment today, I could cancel it but I think I need it!) I am sure I will be fine. I *can* manage it.. but it's far from ideal and far from comfortable and easy :(

SO.. there you have it! I am sitting here feeling totally miserable. Fed up of feeling the pain, fed up of taking a million tablets, having to listen to daycare ladies look after my kids in ways that I don't do things (and to be honest, quite frequently only two or three of them are being looked after while the others are left to wander the house and fend for themselves!!!!) I am sick of everything being a challenge and I feel like I just want to burst into tears :'( I know I will be fine, I know this will pass and I will heal and everything will return to 'normal' but for now I am indulging my self pity!!

oh nooooooo!

2010-06-29T19:33:00.002+08:00

Well after my last upbeat blog post declaring my new health kick I thought it was time to pop back in and update on what's been happening!!

On Saturday night I went out to a party plan party down the road with a few girlfriends. Was having a nice night and had drunk about three glasses of wine when I decided to come back home for something. In quite a good mood, I broke into a jog just outside my house and thought I'd jog off the road and up the kerb and up the driveway......WRONG!! I changed levels from the road to the kerb and landed funny on the side of my foot. I went down HARD and felt a big crunch/tear/pop sound as I went down. OMG!!! I have never felt so much pain in my life :( I was in total agony!!

My friend Jo took me to the emergency department at Rockingham hospital and I was seen fairly quickly. They did an xray and no break was seen so I was told that I had most likely torn a ligament in my ankle. I was given a tubigrip bandage and told to get a pair of crutches from the chemist as I would be off my foot for about 6 weeks!!

I came home and put up with the pain all night long, getting no more than about 10 mins sleep at a time on the lounge chair. The whole of Sunday was much the same. I sat on the couch in tears all day and really wasn't coping too well at all. By the time Monday came around I was still suffering a lot and decided that I might have to go back to a Dr or emergency department if it didn't settle.

By monday night my toes were really starting to swell and go blue. The blood flow was really restricted by that tubigrip bandage and I didn't quite know what to do so Dad came over and took me up to Murdoch emergency department while Dan stayed home and put the kids to bed. I was seen fairly quickly at Murdoch and they gave me a larger tubigrip bandage and a referral for a CT scan to be done.

Today (Tuesday) I rang up and got an appointment at 10am for the CT scan. Dad drove me up to get it done and then we had to wait till 2.30 for the report to be ready. After wasting the day at Dad's we went back to get the report and it read that I had managed to tear 3 ligaments and fracture a small bone near the ankle joint too. Knowing what the report said I decided to call into the GP office that I usually go to and ask them to have a look at the report for me. Luckily they squeezed me in with a Dr and she took a look at the report. She then organized to put a half cast on my ankle and gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon! So that is where I am at now.. sitting at home with a big cast on my very sore ankle and I need to call tomorrow to make an appointment with a specialist. Needless to say I am not a very happy girl at the moment :(

Obviously the exercise plan is out the window at the moment as I can't even stand on two feet. I am on crutches and will be for a while yet. I have had a lot of great help from my friends and family over the last few days but I am aware that I will need help for a long time and I can't expect that they will continue at the level they have for as long as I need so I am not too sure how I will manage.

Oh well... I will find a way and I will update when I figure out what that way is and how I am going to get through this :(

M
xx

it's been a while...

2010-06-23T13:43:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I've been here! It's been a very tough year, my toughest so far. I've learnt a lot of things this past year and have grown a lot as a person. I have been in a very dark place and am now starting to come out the other side. It's a process and one that I have been working very hard on but I really feel proud to say that the world is starting to look a lot brighter to me these days.

I struggled with myself for a long time before I admitted that I needed help but when I finally found a good GP and confided in her I can honestly say that my healing began. She started me on anti depressants (another thing I swore I would never 'give in' to - as if being on them was somehow admitting defeat!) and I have also been seeing a fantastic Psychologist who has helped me challenge a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs and accept a new reality for myself and my family.

I have been making an effort to get out there and have a social life - both with the kids and on my own and I think we are all happier for it. I have also realized that my belief that I should be able to 'do it all on my own' is neither helpful or true. I often worry too much about what others think of me and have had the impression before that people think that 'she had all those kids, she should be able to handle it all on her own and not need any help' I have come to realize with the help of my counsellor that I should not be worrying so much about what other people think and should be concentrating on looking after myself so that I can look after my family the way I want to and the way they deserve! Everyone has their own 'issues' and often others opinions of me and my family are a direct reflection of their own problems.

The in-home care thing didn't really work out for us but I have now got the little three in daycare two days a week at different family day care homes. They seem to love it and are more than happy to go and play with other little kids and it gives me a chance to do all those Drs appointments, kids appointments and various errands as well as all the housework that is always waiting... and yes... even spend a little guilt free time for myself!

Now that I am underway in the process of caring for my mind... it's time I started thinking about my body. For the last year I have been trying to eat away my feelings. I feel sad.. I eat! I feel trapped in my life... I eat! I feel fat... I eat! clearly, it's not really working for me. I have gained 10 kilos and now it's time to shift it again and start to feel better on the outside and the inside. I have hired a treadmill again and I am determined to attempt at least 30 mins of exercise every day. I have also signed up for weight watchers online in an attempt to track what I am eating and keep myself honest. I will also try to update here on a weekly basis as another method to keep me on track!

So here we go...onward and upward from here!

M.
xx

things are looking up!

2010-03-17T11:33:00.002+08:00

Ok, After my last dismal post I thought it was time to come back in and update on where I am at. I have been feeling very low and not coping with life in general but after my lowest of lows a few weeks ago I realised that I cannot go on like this and so have begun to take some measures to help myself out of this rutt.

I decided that I need people. Plain and simple. I have always been a people person and I always will be. I crave the adult companionship and conversation and cannot stand only being exposed to endless episodes of playschool and 2 year old tantrums with nothing to break it up. It is with this in mind that I have decided to put in some more effort and get out there. When mum was around it was always her that I turned to. We were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends too! We enjoyed each others company and we spent a lot of time together each week. Since she has been gone I have had no one. I spend day after day on my own (well, surrounded by little kids) and it's not good for me.

I have decided that firstly I need more than the one day of daycare. I decided to call Karen, our old in-home care lady and see if she was free to come back on Tuesdays. She will be starting the week after next and having her here on Tuesdays will allow me to still see my kids on those days but make it possible for me to do whatever errands are needed, food shopping, cleaning etc.. and also another day to make any Dr. appointments or the like - just basically giving me a bit more freedom to move!

Mondays I have decided to get back together with my 'mums group' friends. These girls have been my friends since our firsts were born 8 years ago and we have formed some fantastic friendships. I have missed seeing them regularly and the little kids have missed out on 'mothers group' meetings so we are starting a regular monday meet again.

Wednesdays I am planning on doing a similar thing with Katie and Jules who I went to high school with. These girls have known me forever. They know everything about me and my family and I them. It's a very comfortable feeling and great to re-connect with them and their kids. We plan on doing a kind of 'portable' playgroup where we just meet at different locations decided the night before. Sometimes our houses, sometimes parks etc.. It should be great and the kids will love getting out and about with them too!

Thursdays are my 'free' day. The three bigger kids are at school and the three little ones go to family day care so it's my chance to do whatever I want for me! I can go shopping, take myself to the movies, come home and sleep - whatever! I want to try and keep this day free to be spontaneous and not booked up with things I HAVE to do - that way I hope it will be refreshing and relaxing - just all about me!

Fridays I am considering taking the 4 little ones to the library story time session. It's free, it's close to home and hopefully it will teach the kids about how they have to behave as they get ready for school next year. (wish me luck!)

So there you have it! Things are looking up! I have a plan :) It will still be hard work but I am feeling more positive and determined to get out there and live life instead of sitting at home feeling defeated.

Marnie

A sad state of affairs!

2010-02-24T17:06:00.002+08:00

I have recently come to realise a pretty sad truth.... I have forgotten how to be happy! It was at least two and a half years since the last time I was truly happy. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of hating my life. I am sick of every tiny task feeling like a huge battle. I am tired of being angry and abusive to my kids who don't deserve it. I am exhausted. I am alone. I see no end in sight!

I just had to get that out there.... tomorrow I will go back to getting on with it because I am 'mum', that is my job and there is no escaping that!

**disclaimer - PLEASE do not respond. I do not want a response. I do not want sympathy, that's not why I posted this.. I just needed to tell it to someone - even if that someone is no one!**

Enjoying doing nothing!

2010-01-05T23:34:00.003+08:00

We have had a quiet week of recovery around here! It's nice to not have to go anywhere or run to a timetable and I'll admit that a few days the kids have even stayed in their PJ's all day long. The days have been really hot (around the 40 degree mark) so that has made things a little harder as the kids can't really play outside in that heat. We haven't used the pool much either since it's been almost too hot in the middle of the day but we hope to get out there a bit in the next week as the weather cools to around the 30 mark.

So we have spent our days inside playing with all the cool new christmas presents and watching movies - bliss!! Niamh has been absolutely loving the Sylvanian Families house and play sets that she got from Santa. Max and Blake got Woody dolls (from Toy Story) and they love playing with those and the big boys got a tonne of Lego and a new TV/DVD for their bedroom which has well and truly kept them entertained!

Little miss Isla is getting really cheeky these days. Her new favorite game is to open all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and empty the contents onto the floor! GRRR! I remember every one of the other kids going through this stage and they all drove me crazy, LOL! I guess it's her turn! She is sure she is completely amusing though :P little rat bag! She adores her big brothers and sister.. it's really cute to see her crawling around the house following them and trying to join in their games. She's not quite walking yet but she is pulling herself up on all the furniture and cruising a bit so it won't be too long, I am sure!

We took three days over christmas to try potty training the twins but it just wasn't working out :( They didn't really seem to grasp the concept at all and after several billion wees on the floor we decided to put nappies back on them and wait a few months to try again. I am sure they will get it eventually but I feel a bit anxious about it since all the other kids were well and truly trained by two and a half. Oh well, I'm sure they'll figure it out.

Next week we start swimming lessons for Lachlan and Cody at the Rockingham outdoor pools. I am thinking at this stage that I will let the little ones play in the small babies pool while we are there every day but I reserve the right to change my mind on that one depending on how they behave ;) Hopefully it will all work out and they can cool off and have a good time while still listening to me and staying in control - fingers crossed!!

aaah well, I can hear my bed calling me! It's midnight again (oops, how did that happen??) and I have had waay too many late nights lately so I'd better get some sleep! I think I tend to stay up too late because I am enjoying the sound of silence and getting to actually watch a TV show and hear the words! It's nice to spend time without (what feels like) a hundred small arms and legs clamouring all over me. I end up paying for it in the morning when they are jumping on my bed at 5.30am though ;)

M.

Happy new year!

2010-01-01T15:08:00.002+08:00

Well, 2010 here we come!

2009 has been a hell of a year for us and I am glad to see the back of it. The pain that at brought us will never be forgotten but I am trying to be optimistic and look forward to a brighter year ahead.

The silly season is winding down now and the kids have had a ball. They got utterly spoilt as usual with a tonne of presents and we have had a heap of late nights and busy days. I am looking forward to taking a few weeks with the kids to have some quiet time and just chill out. Lach and Cody are booked in to swimming lessons for the second series at the Rockingham outdoor pools and while it's going to be an effort for me to get everyone there each day for two weeks I feel like I need to do it and prove to myself that I can manage on my own and do the things I need to do with the kids as a family.

Life is tricky with 6 little ones, trickier than most people would even begin to understand but I am really tired of everything being so negative. This year I want to try to change my attitude and just get out there and enjoy life a bit more. The kids are missing out while I am sitting around saying that everything is too difficult. The twins are finally old enough to walk most places holding onto the side of the pram and that makes a huge difference. It's time to get on with it! I feel a little bit sad that my babies are growing up and I no longer have a tiny bub but at the same time I am feeling a strange sense of change in the air and I can see a bit more freedom on the horizon!

So...bring on 2010 and with it a much different life for all of us!! :D

busy..busy..busy!

2009-10-10T13:17:00.002+08:00

We don't seem to have a moment to spare these days! We are always rushing to get somewhere or get something done. This morning we got everyone up and out of the house around 7am to go watch the boys first tee ball matches of the season. It was Cody's first ever game and Lachlan's third season and they had a great time. Both teams lost unfortunately but I think they are really going to enjoy it, even if they don't win most of the time ;)

Next Saturday dancing lessons start up again for term 4 so that means that I will have to take the 5 littlest with me to dancing and then head to tee ball after that in time to catch Lachlan's game. It means that I will always miss Cody's though :( and I can't leave any of the kids with Dan because he happens to be the coach so he's a bit busy, lol!

We rushed back home from Tee ball this morning so that Dan could get stuck into the back yard. He has been working on it every spare minute he gets and it is still a looong way from finished! Today he is hiring a dingo and a turf cutter and removing about a tonne of sand and grass from the yard to make room for the softfall rubber flooring to be poured.... I can't wait till it's all done and the kids can be free to play outside! I think they are going to have a great summer with this backyard completed.

Tomorrow we have a 5th birthday party to go to! James from my mothers group turns 5 and he's having a party at his house. The kids love going there since they live on a large block and have so much space to run around.... it should be fun!

The weather has finally changed and it's so nice to step outside and feel the sunshine. This past winter was the longest coldest most miserable winter I remember in a long time and I am sure that has to do with what we have been through as well as the actual weather. I am pleased to finally be able to focus on something a little more positive.

We are heading towards the most crazy time of year. I was looking on the calendar and in a few weeks time we will be at the point where there is a birthday on every weekend till christmas! I am just about to start my christmas shopping next week and I just know this last school term is going to fly by!

It's going to be a tough first christmas without mum and Janette there, but no matter how sad we might feel the kids will still be kids and it will all still happen. I know mum would want us to carry on as usual and make it a happy family time so that is what we will try to do

M.

an update....

2009-09-28T15:10:00.004+08:00

It's about time I popped in and posted an update on us and all we have been up to! Life has been pretty crazy this year but I think we are slowly starting to settle down and return to a new kind of normal..

Lachlan

Lachlan has been through a lot this year. On top of the losses we have had to deal with he has also been working hard on figuring out what is going on with him at school. After his test results have come back from dsf. we have gotten a formal diagnosis of inattentive type ADHD and also possibly another learning disability (yet to be diagnosed). We have started him on ADHD medication and he is adjusting really well. I am hopeful that he is going to be able to sort himself out now and focus better at school, in turn helping him to be able to catch up to an acceptable level and to fit in better with his peers.

Cody

Codes is going fantastically at school. He is already learning to read and write and just seems to really have a love of learning that I hope to be able to encourage through the years.

Niamh

Neevie is sooo ready to go to school! Just one more school term and she will be off to Kindy two days a week - she is going to love it! Until then I need to find something to keep her entertained at home, lol! Tormenting her younger siblings seems to be a favorite at the moment so I guess that will continue for a while yet ;)

Max and Blake

Are as cheeky as ever! They are almost two and a half and keep us entertained constantly. I am really starting to enjoy them a lot more as they get older. We had a rough start with them and things have been challenging ever since, but they are getting older and gaining little personalities that make me laugh so much lately. They are still very stressful when they both whinge and whine at me but I just keep reminding myself that it's not their fault they are two years old, that there's two of them and that they are babies 4 and 5 out of 6!

Isla

Is such a little poppet! She just makes me smile every time I look at that cheeky face and in a lot of ways she has been what has gotten me through the sad days. She has been such an angel and is now sleeping through the night most of the time. She is 10 months and not yet crawling properly (though she does this 'commando crawl' thing and certainly gets where she wants to be) I am finding myself thinking about planning her first birthday and that is a hard thing to think about.. I can't imagine going through all my kids birthdays and christmas this year without mum but it's going to have to happen..

And as for the day to day 'what we've been up to' news....

We are in the process of doing up the backyard for the kids. We have bought a massive fort/cubby/slide and it's going in near the pool, then we are doing a concrete 'race track' for the little kids bikes up the other end of the yard. It should look a bit like a daycare centre when it's done but I figure.. why fight it? we almost qualify as a day care centre anyway! Might as well make the most of the tiny amount of space we have and let the kids enjoy it since we are not moving anywhere now for 5 years or so. I'll post some photos when we get it all together.. at the moment it just looks like a bit of a mess.

It's the end of the long weekend here and we've had a nice time. The weather has finally broken and shown us a little taster of sunshine (very nice!) We went on a picnic to Whiteman Park with the Lacklisons yesterday and the kids had a great time (the photos above are from the picnic). I am looking forward to getting some more sunshine and enjoying some more fun times with my family - it's about time we got to smile :)

That's about it for now.. I'll try to post an update on the backyard soon :)

M.

2009-08-15T10:08:00.002+08:00

Well, it seems that all my posts are pretty miserable lately. I apologize for inflicting this on anyone who might be reading (if I haven't scared you all away with my negativity this year!??!)

Janette (MIL) lost her battle with cancer a few weeks ago :( About 6 weeks after mum's passing. I can't really say a whole lot, other than I think we have been through enough to last a lifetime now so if the bad luck fairy would please piss off and leave us alone I would be extremely grateful! I've had enough, Dan's had enough and the kids have definitely had enough!!

Other than surviving the drama of life, we have been pretty busy getting through the day to day stuff. Lachlan has been for his testing at the Dyslexia Speld Foundation so I am just waiting on the report to come back from the paediatric psych on that and we will see what we are dealing with and find a way to help him out.

Max and Blake went for their final neonatal follow up appointment and 2 year old assessments at King Edward and we got the fantastic reports back that they are both well within the normal range for everything and that in a lot of cases, they scored in the high average ranges! I am very pleased that this is our final follow up and it would appear that they have totally escaped any negative health effects from being premature!!

Niamh, Isla and Cody are doing great. Cody is going gangbusters at school and really achieving beyond his years, Niamh is enjoying the attention of Pattama, our day carer...but that is all going to end soon as we only have three weeks left with her :(

I have no idea how I am going to cope when I am back on my own with the kids. I am actually feeling very apprehensive about it. It's not that I can't handle my own kids - of course I can. But I don't really trust my moods and emotions at the moment. I am still so touchy and cranky (and generally miserable) that I worry that I won't be able to control myself when the kids get on my nerves. I think I will need a lot of time outs and deep breaths to deal with it and not loose my cool. oh well... fingers crossed!! The day was always going to come when the daycare ended, I'll just have to find a way to manage!

Miss Isla is growing so fast. I am sad that my last baby girl is now 8 months old and getting a personality of her own. I love that she is so funny and cheeky, and of course gorgeous! But I am sad that we are leaving our tiny baby days behind us. I am glad that I am nearing the end of sleepless nights and a day where nappies are no longer needed in this house is now in sight, but at the same time I am sad that we will never again get to experience that joy of growing a new life and bringing home a tiny little baby to join our family! Ultimately though, I know that I cannot take any more and that I have more than enough work ahead of me with the 6 kids that I have. It's time I enjoyed the kids I have and spend my time and energy on helping them to grow to be great people - I am looking forward from here!

Now... if only this crappy weather would change and the sun would come out! I hate winter and rainy cold days!! I need to see the sun so that I can change my attitude and lift my mood (and dry my washing, lol!) We have a busy weekend ahead with the boys going to a birthday party this afternoon and then Rod, Dana and the girls coming over for dinner. Then tomorrow is a big day of house cleaning and yard sorting - even if it's pouring with rain!! It's got to be done after 6 months of neglect! Wish us luck ;)

M.

stormy weather....

2009-06-29T21:57:00.002+08:00

I'm not having such a good day today, and I don't think this weather is really helping. It's bleak and windy and miserable! I am feeling very raw today for some reason... some days I think I have it under control and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and am very cranky and miserable. My poor kids don't know what they have done wrong and I am just no fun to be around... the hurt is too great and I wonder if I will forever walk around feeling like a huge part of me is missing? I wonder if there will come a day where an hour will pass that I don't think of calling mum for a chat about this or some advice about that... I wonder if I will ever stop feeling so incredibly alone and if I will make it out the other side of this fog I am living in. If I will some day answer people when they ask the usual old 'how are you?' with my standard "I'm good, thanks!" and it will actually be the truth? I know it's only been a few weeks but my gut feeling is that..no!...these things will not really change, that I will forever live in a different world now, without my best friend... without my mum....

M.

What's been going on??

2009-06-28T14:04:00.003+08:00

It has been THE most horrendous year on record for us. I thought it was about time that I checked back in and updated my blog though...

As I said in my last post, Mum was diagnosed with cancer at christmas time last year. We knew from the beginning that it wasn't likely to have a fairy tale ending, it was Melanoma - the same type of cancer she had when I was only 12 years old. The whole way through her illness mum was so brave and strong. I was constantly surprised by her positive attitude. She kept on saying that she would never have changed a single thing about her life and that she felt blessed. To be honest, I struggled to be so positive, I still do! but that was just mum's way, right to the end she was more worried about all of us and how we would handle her death than she was concerned for herself!

On the 29th of May, the day after the twins' 2nd birthday mum passed away at the Murdoch Community Hospice. I have spent every day since trying to learn to live without her. My heart still feels like there is a great gaping hole, I don't think that's ever going to go away but maybe I will learn to live with it... in time....

Then, as if that wasn't enough heartache, my MIL is also very very sick. It's not my place to talk freely about her personal situation on the WWW but the reality is that she is now in palliative care - anyone who knows cancer knows what that means...

The reality of having 6 kids aged 7 and under has really hit us. I know that we would be handling things a whole lot better at the moment if we weren't under so much other stress, but life feels pretty sucky right now :( I thought things sucked when the twins were born, but at least that had a happy ending... right now I am just hoping that we can make our way out the other side of all this and still find something to smile about.

God... what a depressing post!! OK, just to lighten the mood a little...

The twins turned 2! They are such big boys now and getting so clever. They have a tonne of words and they are so funny to watch together! It never ceases to amaze me how aware of each other they are (don't get me wrong, they love to fight, but they ALWAYS know where the other one is and they are considerate of sharing with each other - if there is two of an item one will take them both and then run through the house calling "Maaaaax" or "Blaaaake" and looking for his twin to share - so so cute!)

Lachlan is trying really hard at school and we have taken him to a Paed. about his learning difficulties. He has a fantastic teacher this year that is helping us sort it out and we are now waiting for an appointment in September for some testing to determine exactly what his issues are.. at least we are on track! I am really hopeful that we will get this sorted this year and work towards helping him catch up to his peers in his school work!

Niamh is a funny little three year old, she has such an attitude at times but she is a lot like me as a kid, so I find that I tend to understand her more than a lot of people and accept her little quirks as being something that she just can't help. She is a sweet kid...very confident with herself, but also a little reserved in public situations and a bit of a 'ten tonne canary' at other times (just like mum and dad used to call me!)

Cody is a funny boy, he is doing really really well with his hearing aid and hasn't missed a beat! His school teachers are constantly telling me how bright he is and he is bringing home reading books that are beyond his age, by far! He is like a little sponge and loves to learn facts of all sorts. He is also quite confident and sure of himself - I hope he doesn't lose that quality as I know it will help him get far in life!

Isla is gorgeous! She is almost 7 months and just starting to babble "dadadadadadad" so cute! She has a gorgeous cheeky grin that she shares with anyone who will look at her. I call her my velcro baby as she has not really left my hip this past 6 months (for obvious reasons) but she is no trouble. She is not fussy or difficult and just seems to adapt to whatever is required of her!

We are also planning (again) on moving in with Dad and building on that block that we have had for ages now! The plans went out the window when mum got sick, but in her final weeks she asked me several times if I would still consider going ahead after she is gone. At first I didn't want to think about it, but now I know that she was really happy for us to do it, and I know it would help both Me and Dad out a lot to be there for each other over the next year or so. I am also really looking forward to being able to build the house that we have dreamed about on the block big enough for our large family - maybe that's the thing I can look forward to in the future!

Anyway.. this could go on forever but that's generally what has been happening around here. I will get back in and update with some more photos in the next few weeks - the kids have changed a lot so it must be long overdue!

M.

About time....

2009-03-20T21:02:00.002+09:00

It's been another month and a half - oops!

My world is pretty upside down at the moment. Without going into too much detail on the good old WWW it's suffice to say that things are pretty sh*tty :( My beautiful mum has been diagnosed with cancer just a few weeks after christmas. In a cruel twist of fate, this is not the only cancer diagnosis we are coming to terms with at the moment. Dan's Mum also received the bad news that she has cancer just a week or so before christmas.

Since the new year has begun, we seem to have had one blow after another. I am busy trying to sort the big boys out as we struggle to figure out what is going on with Lachlan. He has had me worried for at least a year now but his teacher confirmed my worries and let me know that he is way behind his peers at school and seems to have some learning/concentration issues - who knows what's going on there?? We have a Paed. appointment for him in June to watch this space

We have also been following up on something that was picked up for Cody last school year - he has a moderate hearing loss in his right ear and after several different appointments to specialists and audiologists today I took him to have a hearing aid fitted. Now the poor little boy is complaining that everything is loud... he'll just have to give it a chance to get used to it and see if it helps him at all.

Since we found out about our mums I have had a pretty hard time myself. It's hard for me to admit but I have really fallen in a bit of a heap and have arranged to get some in home child care for the little ones while I wade my way through my issues. We've had the carer here for two weeks now (for three days a week) and I qualify for 13 weeks fully paid for by centrelink (so 11 to go!) In a way it's good to have the help and it frees me up to look after myself a little more, but on the other hand I am finding it a bit difficult as I can't hide behind the craziness of everyday business and it leaves me time to be in my own head, which I'm not liking too much at the moment :(

Anyhow... it's all a bit miserable at the moment so I won't bore you all with any more of my sob story... hopefully I can come back soon with a bit more cheery news!

Marns
xx

Almost three months....ooops!

2009-02-04T21:58:00.003+09:00

It's been almost three months since my last post... sooooo much has changed!

I don't even know where to begin. We welcomed our second daughter Isla Jayde Horton into our family on the 3rd of December and she is an absolute delight. We all love her so much and she has just fit right in.

Christmas was nice. Darrin and Cameron came home and Rod and Dana were here so for once we were all together! Of course the time went too quick and after a few weeks they returned back to the UK.

The school holidays have been and gone. The kids have now returned to school and are settling into the new school year. Cody is in Pre primary and Lachlan is now in grade 2! They both seem happy with their classes and I am hopeful that they will have a good year.

We have had some really terrible news with some health issues in our extended family since Christmas and without going into it in detail, things are tough :( I've typed this paragraph three times (in different ways) and then deleted it again! I think I will leave it at that for now. I'll update some more down the track...

We still have the block in Wellard though we are now pretty uncertain about what we are doing! The house has been pulled off the market for the time being - I just couldn't cope with all the stress so we'll give it a few more months and then re-evaluate and make a decision.

The dynamic duo are still keeping us on our toes and as cheeky as ever. I am dealing with a lot of anger and frustration from them at the moment and am not really sure what to do with all the hitting, pushing, hair pulling and agro that they are displaying towards one another - I am just crossing my fingers and hoping that they outgrow it - SOON!

I think that's about it for us... so now I am updated I will try to keep up and post more regularly ;)

M.

So much has happened

2008-11-03T21:30:00.005+09:00

since my last post! firstly the twins are finally walking!! Yay!! They are so cute the way they toddle around the house and seem so much happier now that they are a little more self sufficient. They have also been teething (with those yucky eye teeth) so that has been fun for all (NOT!!) but they seem to have settled down a bit this last week so fingers crossed they will be happier for a little while now.

I have had them both at the skin specialist last week for their discoid excema and I am so glad we have finally had it seen to! It was getting to the point where they looked all manky and scabby all over and were super irritable all the time from it. I felt so sorry for them but nothing I was doing was helping to clear it up and it was driving us all insane!! Now they have been prescribed a MUCH stronger steroid cream and I can see a huge difference in just a matter of days. We are taking them back in two weeks so the Dr can see the improvement and decide where to go from there but finally we have a definitive diagnosis and a treatment that works.

We took delivery of our new car a few weeks ago. It's a Toyota Hiace commuter and although I can't say I am in love with it (after all - I never dreamed I would become a bus driver!!) it certainly makes life easier. The kids are really comfy in it and have heaps of room. We can take extras in the car now and the boot is really massive so serves all our needs and I am slowly getting used to driving and parking it. It's actually not too bad to drive - It's just the getting used to where it starts and ends when parking it that I am still nervous about but I am sure I will get there soon.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant and trying very hard to remain positive. I need to keep reminding myself that although I am 'over it' bubs is far better off in than out even at this point and there is a reason people are pregnant for 40 weeks. This will be my last pregnancy and although I am ready for the next stage of our lives there will always be a part of me that misses the miracle of making a whole new person and creating life so I am trying my hardest to cherish these last few weeks and remember it all - soon it will just be a distant memory!

The big kids are getting very excited now about the impending arrival of their baby sister! Niamh in particular is looking forward to being my little helper - she is such a little mummy!! I think she will drive me batty but she will love being a big sister :)

It's Niamh's 3rd birthday this Sunday too! I can't believe how fast she is growing up. We are planning on a simple one this year for her - just a sausage sizzle at home for the family and a cake - not sure which cake yet but as long as it is pink she is happy! I will make sure I get back and post some pics of the birthday girl after the event.

M.

After our relaxing break in Busselton....

2008-09-22T12:35:00.005+08:00

I need a holiday, ha ha ha!

The kids had a great time though! We stayed at the Mercure apartments right on the beach front and although the weather was pretty dodgy the whole time we were there (Thurs, Fri, Sat nights) we still managed to get out and about and do enough to keep the kids entertained. The twins were little delights though.... they really don't seem to enjoy car rides or sitting in the pram and they made sure we knew about it at every possible opportunity!

We took the older ones in the indoor pool/spa a few times and we watched DVD's, played board games and hung around in the apartment as well as a few little bike rides between the rain showers! We went out to Dunsborough and Margaret River one day and did the whole chocolate factory/Simmos ice cream thing so the kids were pretty happy with that :)

But.. all good things must come to an end and we are back to the daily grind now! Lachlan is off at school for his last week of term 3 (can you believe how fast that has gone??) and I am back to doing a tonne of washing and cleaning and trying desperately to sort this house out!

On the house front - we are at a standstill at the moment! We are still trying to patch and paint and clean so that we can put this place on the market but we have signed up for the new house with RedInk (subject to sale of this place) so we are slowly moving in the right direction! The block should settle tomorrow (was supposed to be a few weeks ago but the sellers weren't ready yet!) Once we settle on the block we can take a look at the shed and see if it's any good for storage and we can start thinking about our next move. I am feeling really overwhelmed at the thought of trying to sell this house (actually, of trying to keep it clean and presentable for sale) while going through the life changing events of adding baby number 6 to our family but I guess we will manage - somehow!

I am now almost 30 weeks pregnant - not long to go in the scheme of things now. I am trying really hard not to think about this pregnancy too much as I don't want the end to drag on. I have a feeling I am not going to find this last 10 weeks as easy as I have found the beginning. Max and Blake are really hard work at the moment - they are just such heavy lumps and are not walking yet so they require me to lift and lugg them everywhere. They are also into absolutely everything all the time and the only way I can keep my sanity is to keep them in the playpen as much as possible. I feel a bit bad about that and I know I can't keep them in there forever but at the moment I just don't feel like I am physically capable of keeping up with them if they have the freedom of the house. I need to be a bit more careful though - just last week I nearly did a repeat performance of my last pregnancy when I was carrying Max and stepping over the playpen. I tripped and stumbled - kind of throwing him out in the air and was so lucky that I managed to regain my footing before dropping him and myself to the floor! I must have scared him (poor little guy, cried a bit!) and I know I scared myself so note to self : be more careful!

I am still trying to focus on getting ready for christmas and the kids birthdays so that should take up a lot of my time and energy over the next few weeks! I have started my Xmas shopping but I am nowhere near finished yet so that is the challenge for now - to get it all done before I am incapable of doing it!

Tomorrow is Cody's sports day at school and he is very excited that I will be there to watch him! I hope the twins are as excited to sit in their pram all morning ;) I'm going to need a lot of snacks and bribes to survive this one! I'll try to come back with some photos of him over the next few days!

M.

What a healthy bunch we are!

2008-08-22T09:53:00.002+08:00

Well, after my post last week things kept going downhill! Blake's rash just got worse and worse and he looked terrible. He had the crusty scabby patches all over his back and chest and then developed a fine sandpaper like rash between the big blotches that covered him pretty much from head to toe! We ended up at the Drs and after taking one look at it he declared that it was a bad eczema flare up with an infection on top of it! Poor little man was so itchy and so miserable! We have now been prescribed an antibiotic for the infection and a cortisone cream for the rash and I am to take him back on mon to see how he is going and decide if we need a referral to a skin specialist. I must admit that after two days of the treatment he is looking a lot better already. The bad patches are much less red and although he still feels terrible all over he is starting to look a bit clearer.

I also ended up going downhill! I had that major headache and it still hasn't really gone away yet. I went to the Drs and was told it was a sinus infection so I am on AB's too and it is slowly improving. I'm on my 8th or 9th day now with this headache but thankfully is is now at a tolerable level so I am just trying to ignore it!

As a result of being sick the house looks like a tip site! I have been unable to bend down and pick stuff up or hang washing out so I have sooooooo much catching up to do this weekend :( To top it off, I was supposed to be working my way through sorting this house out this weekend so we could get onto painting and patching the walls in preparation for putting it on the market! Now thanks to having been sick I guess that is postponed for another week! Grrr!!

On a more positive note I can report some good news :) Rod and Dana had their second bubby yesterday morning in Kalgoorlie! A beautiful little girl named Grace Lillian! Welcome to the world little girl and congratulations to Rod, Dana and big sister Caitlin! We can't wait to meet her and have a cuddle!!

M.

I like to sing...La La Laaa Laaa Laaaaaa!

2008-08-18T20:23:00.002+08:00

Yep - you guessed it! We went to the Justine Clark concert today! We ended up taking all 5 kids since Max and Blake were free if they sat on our knees and to my surprise the babies really really enjoyed themselves! They sat and watched the whole thing clapped and cheered and waved their arms around and Max even had a little sing along on my knee "Laaa Laaaa Laaaaaaaaah!" So cute!! The other kids really enjoyed it too. Neevie happily danced and sang away through the whole thing. Lachlan and Cody were a little more reserved at first (I think Lachie might have thought he was too cool to sing in the beginning but it got the better of him by the end!) They all chatted about it all afternoon long so I am pretty sure they had a good time!

Other than that we are still dealing with illness in this house! I am really really tired of it! I have personally been battling a head cold for weeks now and it just won't quit. I have had a headache for four days in a row now and it is really quite debilitating! I have been unable to do much at all as bending over to hang washing/pick up toys/even pick up kids makes my head thump! It hasn't helped that I have a tickly cough and every time I cough I have to hold my head and wince in pain! I really hope it is better by tomorrow - otherwise I think a Drs. visit is on the cards for me later in the week!

Cody has has asthma issues for a few years now but never clearly diagnosed. He was always wheezy in winter as a baby and now in childhood he is pretty bad following a cold every winter. He has major coughing fits that almost cause him to throw up and render him useless on the couch when he is really bad. Thankfully I took him the the Dr last week and we ended up getting a proper diagnosis and a prescription for a new tablet called Singulair that is taken one a day as a preventer. So far he has been taking it and it has really made a difference I think/ We have gone to only needing Ventolin a few times a week (usually still after running or playing outside) as opposed to needing it every day without fail before!

Blake has had a really nasty rash on his back, sides and chest for four days now. I have no idea what it is any more. Initially I thought it was eczema, then I thought it might be ringworm given it's patchiness but the antifungal cream is not really working on it and it looks almost as bad today as it did the day it came up (Friday). He is really aggro and itchy and as soon as you give him the chance he is scratching at it till it bleeds on his chest (so he has had to wear those bodysuit singlets every day and has really quick baths while we hold his hands down). The only think I can think is that he already had eczema (mild) on his body and the day before it came up bad I had given him some 100% orange juice, which in hindsight was a bad idea. I have a Drs appointment for him on Thursday so we will see what the Dr says. I have no idea what to do for him now so I am hoping the Dr gives us a solution - fast!

Max has a few small patches on his back but nothing like Blake so who knows if it's contagious or a skin allergy or what...

Now... for other news....

Just in case I didn't have enough to do at the moment what with having five kids under 7 and being 25 weeks pregnant we have bought a block of land in the last few weeks! It's something we have been umming and aahing over since easter but we finally bit the bullet and did it! The block is in Wellard (in Homestead Ridge) and it's a half acre so we should have enough room to build a nice big house and still give the kids lots of room to run and play as they grow up! So now begins the process of sorting, cleaning and patching our house and putting it on the market. Then we will need to figure out where we are going to live while we build (should be real easy renting with 6 kids - NOT!) and it's pretty unsettling to think that I really want to start thinking about this baby and setting up for her arrival but I have to push it out of my mind since I don't even know where we will be living and where 'home' will be when we bring her home!!! Talk about crazy stuff!

Aaaah, Life is never dull in a large family!

M.

rain rain go away....

2008-08-03T08:44:00.002+08:00

I am soooo over winter! It seems we have been sick in this house for a few months solid now and I am so tired of it :( I wish winter would just go away and the kids would get rid of all the bugs and germs they are sharing so freely amongst each other!

The twins are still sick - it seems to have lasted the longest in them. Thankfully the gastro is long gone but they have pretty horrible colds at the moment and so as a result this last week was a shocker for sleep. Not too good when I am 23 weeks pregnant and starting to get uncomfortable as it is, and then my husband is getting up at 5am every day to go to work - working till at least 4.30pm and then on days like thursday he went back to work once the kids were in bed and came home at about 11.45pm. He has also gone into work for a few hours on both Saturday and Sunday mornings this weekend!! It seems like he is always working at the moment!! I shouldn't complain as I know he has to do it and it's all for us in the long run but man, I am tired!!

There are a few other things going on here at the moment but I will write about them when they are more set in concrete. We should be getting the new car in a few months time so that will be exciting and everyone is looking forward to our new baby girl joining our family.

It's both Dan's and my 30th Birthdays this year (Dan in July and me in August) so we are doing a combined birthday party/dinner next weekend for our families. I have a bit of work to do this week cleaning and preparing for that but am now looking forward to celebrating that (I didn't want to do anything initially but now am glad that we are doing a 'small' family event.) It's still going to be a big enough crowd with all our lot here, LOL!

Ok, well... kids are screaming and it's all falling apart here so I'd better go sort them out!

M.

Almost over now...

2008-07-18T08:12:00.002+08:00

School holidays that is! I will be glad in a sense because Cody is so bored but sad in another because it's back to the daily dramas of getting everyone out of the house each morning!

We have had a pretty uneventful school holidays with lots of good intentions but everything falling through due to various sicknesses! Today we were supposed to be going to see our friends (from the mums group when Lachlan was born actually!) but yesterday afternoon Blake and Lachlan both had high fevers and were miserable so I cancelled that. Today Blake seems a lot better and Lachlan is still asleep so I really don't know how he is going yet. He seemed to have a terrible headache last night and that made him throw up but after that settled down he came good again. Doesn't explain the fever though?!!

I have sooooooo much washing to do around here that if I don't get onto it we are in real danger of disappearing beneath the massive piles mounting on the lounge chair! I HATE washing :( I especially hate folding it and putting it away hence the massive piles of clean washing!! I do hope to be able to sort this house out a little bit in the next week or so and once I get into that I will be shifting the babies to the front room and taking over their room as a 'wardrobe room' or 'laundry room' so that I can actually store all the kids clothes in the one room and have a designated place to fold and put washing away. I am hoping that it will make it easier to achieve this mammoth task and I'll be more inclined to keep on top of it... wish me luck!

*sigh* I'd better get going and referee yet another fight that has broken out...

M.

It's another...........

2008-07-13T20:21:00.002+08:00

GIRL!!!!!

Just a quick update as I am soooo tired and need to get to bed! I had my 'big' scan on Friday and we are so pleased to say that everything looks great at this point and we are adding another girl to our family :)

So much for school holiday fun! We have been struck down with bugs galore in this house and we all seem to be sharing them back and forth - GRRRR! I have had kids spewing and pooping all over the place and now tonight miss Neevie is not looking well at all, poor little poppet! She has had a fever all day (though panadol brings it down) but that is a different symptom to what we have all had all week so maybe she is brewing up something new for us all for the second week of holidays!! YIPPEE!!

The twins have their 12 month developmental appointment at PMH this Thursday so I am really hoping that they are all better before then because I really want to go and get that over with! I suspect that all will be well there but it will be great to hear it from the Drs!

Well, I'd best be off and get some rest. I will try and get Dan to take a belly shot of me soon - I guess it's about time now I have well and truly popped out!

M.

School holidays.... YIPPEE!!!

2008-07-06T20:14:00.005+08:00

I think I love the school holidays now as a mum more than I ever did as a kid at school! I think that must be because it is 2 weeks where I don't have to stress and rush and yell at everyone every morning..."hurry up... get dressed....eat your breakfast...brush your teeth....have you brushed your teeth yet?...where are your shoes?...hurry up, we are going to be late....Lachlan, you need socks too!....have you packed your lunch yet?.....I don't know where your library bag is, where did you have it last?......" you get the picture! Lots of fun ;) I love not HAVING to be out the door at 8.30am with 5 kids (soon to be 6!) all dressed, fed, ready for the day.

We spent the day around the house today just doing some things that needed to be done (washing, tidying etc..) and Dan got onto a job he has been meaning to get to for a while - the shadecloth from the patio to the fence line to create a privacy screen. It's looking pretty good! Next weekend he is going to try and get to do the cafe blinds around the pool and hopefully I will be able to spend the weekend next week sorting the front room and shuffling the kids bedrooms around to make room for our new little bubba.

I have my 'big' scan booked for next Friday and I can't wait! I am really nervous for some reason and just want to get it over with. I know it's irrational but I kind of feel like we are pushing our luck asking for 6 happy and healthy babies. I know we went through a lot with Max and Blake but they turned out just fine (thank god) and I just feel really grateful for what we have and hope our good luck continues for our last little one.

Last but not least I will leave you with some photos of the YUMMO cookies we cooked today :) the kids helped me out and we had a great time. It's a massive batch so hopefully it will last at least a few days (being school holidays and the fact that the kids are always 'starving' all day long, I don't really think they will last long!)

Still here!

2008-06-20T09:42:00.003+08:00

Sorry.... it's been ages again! I know!!

You wouldn't believe the dramas we have had lately trying to figure out what car we can get that will accommodate 6 kids and 2 adults safely! I am so sick of thinking about it that I can't even go into the details now. It has taken me about two weeks of researching, asking questions, calling engineering places who do car modifications, reading reviews looking at cars and trying to figure out how the hell we can legally and safely add enough anchor bolts to a car. We have looked at just about every model of van and car out there and in the end I think we are almost at a solution. So far it's looking like a Toyota Hiace, modified to be a 12 seater so it can be driven on a normal license and adding 5 anchor points (the max. number we can get in the car) - not my ideal solution but the ONLY one out there for us! It appears that car manufacturers simply don't cater for families with so many young children (I guess just one more area of our lives where we are not 'normal')

The kids are all well at the moment (touch wood!) and doing well. The twins are really coming along with their pulling up and standing but nowhere near ready to walk yet.. I think they will be a few months off that yet! They still manage to get into everything though - grrr! I think I need to child proof a bit better around here because I just can't keep up with the two of them, especially when they head off in different directions to seek and destroy! They are really funny to watch but they are convinced they are just the funniest little things on earth and will laugh hysterically at you if you tell them 'no' or 'don't touch' - it's like you have just issued them a challenge and they are going to see who can do the naughty thing the fastest - LOL! As you can imagie they spend an awful lot of their day in the highchairs and the playpen - not so great for their walking development, hee hee!

They have a developmental appointment at PMH next month and this is the big one. It should tell us their developmental age now and if there is any problems or early intervention that might be needed. I have no specific concerns so I think they should do fine :)

I am travelling along ok too :) I am 16 and a half weeks now and have my big scan booked for the 11th July. We will most likely find out the sex of bubs since we have for all the others but I honestly feel at this point like I have no preference one way or the other. Of course I would like Niamh to have a sister but really there is no guarantee that they would grow up best of friends anyway and she is so close to all the boys now that I really feel it would make no difference. I will be happy to see the bub again though. I haven't felt any kicks yet and although it's early I would have expected to seeing as it's the 6th baby. I know I have an anterior placenta though so that would be making some difference. My belly is clearly growing though so I am not too concerned ;)

*sigh* oh well, I'd better go and do about 100 loads of washing... I will check back in when something exciting happens.

Marns
xx

Happy birthday to my gorgeous baby boys!

2008-05-26T13:40:00.003+08:00

I can't believe it has been a year this week that my tiny little boys made their way into this world and turned our lives upside down! We celebrated their first birthday with a party yesterday (even though it's not officially their birthday till Wed the 28th!) and I am pretty sure they had a great day :)

It is a strange time at the moment for me... I can't help but reflect on the past year and everything we have been through. The changes the twins have brought to our house and the challenges that they had to face and overcome in those early days. I relive those first few days in my mind like they were yesterday and I am taken back to all those fears and scary feelings that we experienced, but then I look at them now - robust, cheeky and extremely healthy one year old little boys and I am so thankful for having them in my life, for all my beautiful children in fact!

Anyway... enough dribble from me, I will share some photos with you and leave it at that for today. Oh, but just one quick update on me and the pregnancy - we had our 12 week scan the other day and I am so pleased to report we saw one very healthy looking wriggly little bub in there! Dan has decided that we will call 'him' Fin - as in FINISHED! Ha ha ha ha!!

I was doing so well.......

2008-05-07T09:36:00.002+08:00

*********WARNING - MAY BE TMI FOR SOME!**************

Please don't read this if you are squeaminsh! I was doing so well! I was really proud of myself because despite the fact that I have felt nauseous almost all day every day I had managed to fight the rising vomit ..... until today that is :( Where the hell does it come from? One second I feel fine and am getting the kids ready for school. We're rushing around packing bags, eating breakfast and me doing the usual ranting about brushing of teeth/hair etc.. then out of nowhere a baby crawls past me with that familiar poo smell about him (teething poos at the moment so they are extra special - and the joys of twins means twice the poo!) and suddenly I am lunging for the kitchen sink and madly tossing the dirty dishes out of it as I can feel the chuck coming - GROSS!

So here I am standing in the middle of the kitchen vomiting with an audience gathering around me (thanks kids!) tears streaming down my face (I am such a baby when I'm sick!) Lachlan was concerned about me, poor little thing! I ended up calling Dan to come home from work and take him to school - I just didn't trust myself to get in the car and drive after that.... aaah - almost too much excitement for one morning!

I guess I didn't do too bad - I made it to 10 weeks without chucking so that's something! Hopefully I won't get to do it again either ;)

Oh well... I'd better go... I have a 4 year old who is clutching a book that he has been desperately trying to get me to read to him all morning and a 2 year old who wants to watch Nemo on DVD... oh and a baby just crawled past me with that lovely familiar smell about him again *sigh* I guess it's Blake's turn!

Wish me luck!

Marnie

Thankyou.... you know who you are :)

2008-04-28T09:51:00.002+08:00

After sitting on my previous post for a few days I realise that it sounds a little harsh! (I've had a lot of people contacting me and asking if I am ok, oops!) I am fine, truely... I was just venting a pet peeve of mine. It's an ongoing thing I have a few issues with but I should add that by no means was it the response I received from everybody in our lives.

Thanks so much to all the wonderful family and friends that have responded to us in a supportive way. I know that the people who care about us have shown us nothing but love and support and shared in our excitement so for that I am thankful, and I really wasn't referring to you in my last post - honest!

Time to move on and ignore the morons! I've just been a bit grumpy because I feel so crappy all day every day at the moment and I am still trying to come to terms with our surprise bubba but I know I will get there and soon will feel a whole lot better, so I promise... positive thoughts from now on!

M.

as I should have expected.....

2008-04-24T18:49:00.002+08:00

ok, I don't know if anyone even reads this (probably not) so I am going to use it to vent away!!

without naming any names....

1) We are not choosing to have 6 children so that everyone in our families has to go broke buying presents for them.. We DO NOT EXPECT anything from ANYONE and I really really resent people inferring that my children are a financial burden to them - please just don't buy us presents! We have enough love and fun in our beautiful family and consider that to be of far greater importance than any material posessions or 'gifts' we might be in line to receive!

2) OK, so it might be all very 'funny' (to you maybe) but please put yourself in my shoes... I am not a 'breeding machine' this baby will not just fall out of me if I sneeze and believe it or not we do have TV's and we can 'say no'. I am young, I am fit, I enjoy my children and my body has not suffered irrepairable damage from carrying and nurturing them. It is truely none of your business how many children we have and if we can handle it then it should have no impact whatsoever on you - so please keep those really 'funny' comments to yourself - I am not amused

3) this one's to all those strangers in the shops (can't wait till I have an obvious pregnant belly!) PLEASE stop jumping out in front of my pram to count my children out loud and then make some stupid comment just for the sake of talking. NO SH*T I have my 'hands full' (If I hear that one more time I may just strangle the observant person) No I am not a 'glutton for punishment' and just because as you so aptly put it you couldn't "handle any more than your two" does not mean that no one else should have a large family. And finally my biggest gripe - STOP telling me that you 'feel sorry for me" this one is getting especially hard to explain to my 6 year old when you walk away and I am left with him asking me "why did that lady say that mummy?" There is no way to explain it other than you are a fu*king idiot (and we all know that is not an appropriate explaination!)

Now... as I said no one will probably read this anyway, but on the off chance you do I really hope it makes you think a little before you comment on someone else's life. Don't say dumb unsupportive things... after all, if you can't say anything nice.....

M.

An open letter to our family and friends....

2008-04-23T21:21:00.001+08:00

Dear Family and Friends
Have you ever cleaned your pocket
And discovered a ten dollar bill ?
You really weren't expecting it,
But it gave your heart a thrill !
Have you ever opened the door
And there before your eyes
You saw the flower man standing
With an arm full of surprise ?
Well a surprise is exactly what's happened
As our bio clock ticks away
Now life has been gracious and perfectly good
By sending baby 6 our way!
We could have told you in person
But it's very important you see
That we only see thought and reactions
Of happiness, smiles and glee !
So once you've had time to digest it
And been able to ponder it all
When you have a nice word about all that you've heard,
Feel free to give us a call !

2008-04-15T20:56:00.002+08:00

Half way through week one of the holidays already!! Noooooooooooo!!! I really hate school days - it is so much easier for me to keep the kids home and not have to rush out of the house in a panic every morning. It's so much more stress free in the holidays.

Having said that though, I think the kids are getting cabin fever at the moment. I really must think of a few fun things to do with them over the holidays so they don't think they have done nothing. Lachlan and Cody would love to go to the movies so I might do that one day ( I think they would love Horton hears a who! )

Dana has been down from Kal this week so we have spent a fair bit of time with them. I went with her to her 19 week ultrasound today so I have officially seen our new little niece/nephew first!! So cute!! She/He was a real little wrigglepot though and the sonographer had all sorts of trouble getting good shots (hence the she/he issue, LOL!) Still, it all looks great so fingers crossed for another 20 weeks of uneventful pregnancy for them before the new little one joins us.

Tomorrow the termite man is coming at about 1.30 so we will need to leave the house then and stay away for about 4 hours... great!! I guess I will take the kids to mums and hide out there till it's safe to come back. It might be take away night tomorrow night then... I don't see me getting home at 6pm and then trying to figure out what to cook.

oh well... I guess i'd better get some sleep since it sounds like the troops are down for the night. Being a mum to five is great fun but it's damned tiring too!

M.

end of term one already!

2008-04-10T12:31:00.002+08:00

I can't believe how fast the year is flying by! I never seem to get any spare time to get on here and update! Just as well no one reads it any more...ha ha ha! They'd all be bored to death waiting for news!

I have missed out on updating heaps of stuff lately. We went on our week away to Busselton with Mum and Dad and that passed far too quickly. The kids had a ball and although it was really just the same work in a different location for us adults - we all had a good time.

My bubbies are now well and truly crawling! They get around the house at amazing speed if you turn your back on them so it's good fun! They need to be locked in the playpen if I am going for a shower or to hang washing out etc.. otherwise I come back to find them in the toilet (or somewhere equally as gross!)

I really must start thinking about a first birthday party for the twins too.. I have no idea what I will do - most likely a BBQ in the backyard and cross my fingers that it doesn't rain or isn't too cold.

Lachlan signed up for football yesterday so he is very excited about that. He came home and tried his new footy shorts and socks on and can't wait for their first game (the second saturday of the school holidays).

Cody and Niamh are doing well at the moment too. Cody is loving kindy with a passion. He is such a social little kid and thrives on the environment at school (wish his big brother was the same!!) Niamh is happy pottering around the house playing 'titchens' and mums and dad's with her dollies! Too cute!

Marnie.

OUCH!

2008-03-02T23:42:00.006+09:00

We have got so much going on at the moment! It makes a change to our usual routine but it is exhausting with so many things on the calendar!

Last night we went to see Ben Lee in concert in Kings Park - he was UNREAL!!! We had the best night and the concert was so good! Ben was really amazing and truly entertaining both while singing and between songs :) I think he's my new favorite!! We managed to get a spot right up the front near the stage so the view was awesome and I am so glad we went - I would definitely do it again.

I have spent the last week in a fair amount of pain from an injury I sustained while taking my new pram out of the boot during a routine school drop off. As I lifted the Phil & Teds sport out of my boot I allowed it to flick open and my fingers were unfortunately in the wrong position (where the pram hinges open) I swear to god I have never felt as much pain in my life! I said some really colourful words (NOT appropriate for a kindy carpark) then the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop and pull myself together. The pain was so intense I went into shock and started shaking pretty bad. Poor little Lachlan had to go off to his classroom with another mum from the carpark while I managed to drive myself off to the doctors. (I was going to go to mums first to assess the damage but pretty soon realised I needed to go straight to the doctors!) I had called Mum and Dad and asked them to meet me down at the doctors so I knew they were on their way to take care of the kids. In hindsight I shouldn't have driven with the kids in the car because by the time I got to the doctors I felt like I was about to pass out. The receptionists came out to the car and fetched the kids in and I went down to the treatment area. After Mum and Dad arrived and they had given me a shot of morphine and treated me for shock I was finally able to pull it together enough to think straight and Mum and Dad took the kids home to their house while I waited to get an x-ray. It turns out that I broke the fingertip off and crushed the bone into lots of little bits - no wonder it hurt like a b*tch!!

So, now I am dealing with a really sore finger and 5 kids while we are trying to get ready to pack for a week away! We are off to Busselton next Sunday for a week (not before Anthony & Leah's wedding on Sat!!) so I have soooo much to organise!

The kids and Dan are in the wedding party so this week will be spent getting all the last minute things together - socks, stockings, hair clip for Niamh, Niamh's dress needs to be fixed so it fits her properly, I need a haircut, wedding present needs to be organised etc.... Oh the fun!!

Aside from the crazy business, everyone is really well :) The twins are not quite crawling but not too far off. they are a lot of fun but a lot of hard work at the moment. Lachlan is settled into grade one and Cody is loving every minute of kindy. Niamh is growing up so much and she is an independent little miss - so cute though ;)

Well, I guess I should get some rest as it's getting late.

M.

Not much to report

2008-01-22T22:37:00.000+09:00

we are all just plodding along here - enjoying the school holidays and not having to get organised early in the morning every day! Lachlan has been doing Vacswim swimming lessons at the Kwinana Req and seems to be enjoying it. It's a bit of a pain because his lesson is at 11.55 every day so that means we are spending the major part of the day out of the house (by the time I have dropped the babes at Mum's and then gone back to collect them, had lunch etc...) Niamh is missing out on her sleep during the day because of it and it is making for one very grumpy little girl!

I am feeling really motivated to do some sewing lately. I have been reading some fantastic blogs from my EB 'newbies sewing' group and I am inspired! I need to get the footplate of Nanna Yates' old Bernina fixed because it is playing up at the moment so I will see if Dad can have a look at it for me but in the meantime I have just 'inherited' Nanna W's old Singer from SIL Dana since she said she wasn't using it and didn't have a need for it. I am really pleased that I have this 'new' machine now because I never ended up with anything of Nan's after she passed away and for sentimental reasons if nothing else, I will cherish it! Hopefully I will get a chance over the next few days to figure out my next move and settle on a project to try.....watch this space, LOL!

I'd better go get off this computer and get some sleep now though, it is late and I had a major migraine type headache yesterday (which I am still feeling the after-effects from!) I don't want to find myself waking up with another one tomorrow!

Night all.

M.

First Aid Course

2008-01-10T17:10:00.000+09:00

Just a bit of a plug here for anyone that might be interested...

I am organising to run a child-specific first aid course from my house. It is something I have been meaning to get around to for a long time and I keep thinking "what if I don't and something bad happens..." so I have called a guy who runs these courses and temporarily booked one in.

It will be :

Wed 30th Aug and Wed 6th Feb from 7pm till 10pm
Cost: $60 per person (includes all notes and manuals)
it's called 'save a child' (not sure if I'm allowed to link to it?)

If anyone is interested in attending let me know! I need at least 8 people to run it so feel free to ask your friends, neighbours, family etc..

M.

My Neevie cracks me up!

2008-01-08T15:15:00.001+09:00

Niamh is so funny! We made some brownies this afternoon to try and placate the kids and stop the constant fighting and whinging. Well, as you can see miss N. loves to cook - if it was up to her there would be nothing actually going into the oven (although in this case we may as well not have bothered anyway as I massively undercooked them so they were a soggy gooey mess - oh well, better luck next time.) Just picture this little girl between licks of the spatula saying "mmmm chock-lit, fave-rit!" She's a girl after my own heart :)

Happy new year!

2008-01-07T10:02:00.001+09:00

OK, so I know I am a bit slow but as my first post for the new year I had to say it!

We had such a great Christmas and New years here! It was crazy and chaotic but heaps of fun and the kids all got so spoilt! The jolly old man in the big red suit was certainly very generous to them this year!

We had a full on week over Christmas with lots of family, friends and way too much food. There was a whole lot of swimming in the pool and the kids and I made the most of Dan being on holidays. I think he actually had a hard time going back to work after all the playing we did at home. Now things are finally starting to settle down again and I am doing my best to get the kids a little bit of rest before they need to start the school year. Cody will be going into kindergarten and Lachlan will be grade one!

The babes are doing really well too. They now both have two bottom teeth and can both roll from back to front as soon as they are put onto the carpet. I need to make an appointment to go and get them weighed but they are doing great and are very healthy! They have begun eating solids too. At the moment it is just one meal a day but they seem to be tolerating it well and soon I will move to breakfast and dinner. They sleep wonderfully well - consistently doing 12 hours at night time so we really can't complain about that at all :)

I guess I had better get going and get ready to go out. I am off to the dentist this morning so wish me luck! I hadn't been to the dentist at all for 15 years and finally plucked up the courage a few weeks ago. Today I am going to get a filling and an extraction done - arrrgggh! I hate the dentist! call me crazy but I would rather the pain of childbirth any day!!!

2007-12-20T21:32:00.000+09:00

Two peas in a pod!

2007-12-20T21:03:00.000+09:00

Well it's official! My little guys are genetically identical according to the DNA testing that was done in the 'tooth emergence and oral health in twins and their families' study that we are enrolled in.

The results specifically say that the boys share 20 of the 20 Alleles tested in common. The 20 alleles tested cover 10 loci with one allele coming from mum and one from dad. Of the 10 loci tested Max and Blake have all 10 loci exactly the same. The likelihood of Max and Blake sharing all 20 alleles at these loci by chance and being different at other loci (being non-identical) is extremely low - less than 1 in 10,000 Billion in the case of our twins!

So there you go! I can't say I am really surprised as some days even I struggle to tell who is who but in general I can see differences between the boys. If they are side by side I can tell you fairly accurately which one is which.

PMH developmental appointment

2007-11-28T22:12:00.000+09:00

Today we had the twins' 4 month developmental appointment at PMH. It seriously couldn't have gone better and I am one happy mumma :)

We were told that they seem to be at the level of about 5 month olds - which is fantastic considering their corrected age is 4 months! They are doing everything right and I feel like it's safe to say that their prematurity hasn't left either of them with any negative health issues. Even though we already suspected they were fine it is such a relief to be told by a paed.I am so proud of my clever little men!

Just yesterday and today Max has learned a new party trick. Whenever he is placed down on his back he immediately rolls over onto his tummy (and then proceeds to whinge - LOL!)

Oh - and I knew they were a 'healthy' weight but get this.... Max weighs 8.53 kilos and Blake weighs 8.54 kilos, little chubbas!!

photos

2007-11-22T21:41:00.001+09:00

Silly season continues!

2007-11-21T17:31:00.000+09:00

You should see our family calendar for the rest of this year!! Talk about crazy busy!! It's only 5 sleeps till Lachlan's 6th birthday (as he keeps reminding us, hee hee!) and I have got about a tonne of house cleaning and organising to do before then.

Things here have been good. Max and Blake seem to be finally getting over the horrible cold that was bothering them for so long. It was obviously just a cold because it is now settling but it lasted for weeks and we had them up at the GP after hours (at the hospital) three times just to make sure. They are still a little wheezy but thankfully not choking any more at night time and their nasty coughs seem to have calmed down.

They are such good little babes really! They never ask for anything - just lie there happy most of the time and only cry when they are ready for food or sleep! They are still not rolling at all but I don't think it will be too long now. They are also starting to pay a lot of attention to us when we eat in front of them so not too much longer and I think they might be ready to try solids too (I will try to wait till they are 6 months corrected but we'll see how we go!) We have an appointment next week at PMH to follow up on their development so it should be interesting to see what they say there (I bet they will wonder if we even brought the right babies with us, LOL!)

The other kids are going great too - all very excited about the end of year, christmas and birthdays! They are constantly talking about the presents they want (hmm, I think a little education on the meaning of christmas is required in this house, LOL!) and I know the big boys are aware that there are things hidden in my walk in robe as they tend to have a rather increased interest in that area of my bedroom - GRRR! I might have to tell them that santa will see if they snoop in the wardrobe and he will return all their presents to the north pole!!

well, I was going to post a bigger update but as usual I am being screamed at by a few kids so I'd better go! I will be back later to add some photos!

M.

Silly season kicks off!

2007-11-07T11:43:00.000+09:00

I am just about to embark on the crazy silly season that is November/December in our house! It is Niamh's birthday on Friday so I am busy preparing for her party on Sunday - after that we have Lachlan's birthday then Cody's birthday then of course Christmas! The kids are all soooo wound up about it and can't wait - I, on the other hand, am a little afraid - LOL!

I have been busy lately doing all the christmas/birthday shopping with the help of my wonderful mum! It is so exhausting trying to achieve massive amounts of shopping while keeping two whingy toddlers and two babies happy. I am pleased to say that it is all but finished now and I should only need to go out one more (well planned) time and I will be done. I must also get onto the wrapping as I don't want to be stuck wrapping hundreds of presents on christmas eve this year!

The kids are all doing really well. Max and Blake have had really awful colds and horrible choking coughs this week but I am really hoping that they will start coming out the other side of it soon. other than that they are doing well - they weigh about 7kilos at last weigh in so that is huge! They have come so far since those early days that it is almost hard to believe they went through what they did. I am so proud of what strong little fighters they are :) I think they are actually starting to get a little bit bored when they are awake now. It's not safe for me to put them on the floor (Niamh 'loves' them a little rough!) so I think they are almost ready for their activity centre thingies (my friend Julie bought one for us when the boys were born and we already had one from Niamh!) Maybe just a few more weeks and they will have better torso control - then they will really enjoy them.

Lachlan is almost at the end of his school year - then my baby will be moving up into the big school and be a big year one boy! I can't believe how fast he's growing too. I am really noticing his attitude changing a lot lately - he is wanting a little bit of independence and becoming much more aware of what is 'cool' amongst his peers. I must remember to give him lots of extra cuddles because I know it will be all too soon that he decides he is too big for that too :(

Cody is..... well..... Cody is Cody! he is a ratbag but he keeps us amused all the time. He will be off to kindy two days a week next year and I think it will be great for him. He seems to be bored at home and when he is bored he makes his own entertainment by tormenting his siter (and his mother!) I think he's going to really love school - he already adores his 'kindy' (a three year old program he attends for three ours every Thursday) and he is such a chatty social little guy that I know he won't have any problems making friends and fitting in.

Niamh is my gorgeous baby girl who is now TWO!! I can't believe how fast she is changing too - she is a real little mummy and loves to follow me around the house playing with her babies (dolls) and doing all the things that I do. I have bought her the most gorgeous little play kitchen for her birthday and I really hope she likes it! I can see her getting lots of use out of it for many years to come and it is the most adorable chunky wood in pastel girly colours - really cute!! (sounds like I want to play with it huh?)

Well, I had better get going and do some things but I promise to come back and post some birthday photos next week!

Marnie

Week two of the holidays...

2007-10-12T07:49:00.000+08:00

I can't believe how busy we have been lately! Things should start to settle down now but I am left in a HUGE mess and this house looks like a disaster zone.

Last weekend was Wendy and Matt's wedding. We had a wonderful day - the weather turned out nice for us and Wendy looked absolutely gorgeous! the venue was beautiful (Burswood on the Swan) and the reception was great fun - I think everyone there had a fantastic night :) I know I had a great time as did the other bridesmaids ;) (and contrary to popular belief we weren't THAT drunk - just cheery and as anyone who knows me and Wendy would know, a little bit silly :D) The kids spent the night at my parents in law's house and seemed to have a good time, the babies came with us.

This last week has been a bit of a blur but I know we spent a fair bit of time with Darrin and Claire who were over from England for the wedding and a quick visit. It was great to see them again (It had been three years since I last saw my brother!) and really nice to see the kids getting to know them and spend some time with them - it's a little bit sad that they are gone again now :(

We all went to the zoo on Wed (Mum, Dad, Kim, Haydn, Emily, Taylah, Darrin, Claire, Me, Lachie, Cody, Niamh, Max and Blake) and we got rained on all day long! It was a bit soggy but the kids didn't care - it just adds to the adventure for them. Lots of the animals seemed to be hiding from the rain (or maybe they were just hiding from our noisy bunch, LOL!) but we all left the zoo at 5pm having had a big day and enjoying ourselves.

Last night Lachlan had his first tee ball training session and he is so excited! Last year he played pee wees but this year he is in juniors and I believe they actually play fixtured games this season (should be interesting, LOL!) Cody is playing pee wees this year too so looks like my Saturday mornings are going to be devoted to the local tee ball oval for the summer months! (fun with three babies in tow, huh?) Dan is going to have to start working Saturdays again so I am on my own :( They have both picked up their uniforms now and they are breaking their necks to get to wear them, they keep trying to sneak out the back yard with them on, ha ha ha!

Max and Blake have been going really well. They are getting so big (must get them weighed again soon!) and to me, they look like regular three month olds now. I can't believe we have come so far in such a short time. For the most part they eat, sleep, wake for a short while then repeat the process all day long. They are realy starting to interact with us a lot more and if we try we can even get giggles out of them now (so cute!)

I am really finding 5 kids a struggle a lot of the time and as a result have been a bit of a grump lately - I really desperately need to get some organisation in this house as I know that will help us out a lot. Dan is about to start 12 hour days again and pick up Saturdays so I will be alone a lot more than I even am now, therefore will need to gain a bit more control of the housework and kids behaviours in order to keep my sanity - I'll let you know how I go, LOL! (I don't hold out a whole lot of hope for the sanity - I think it was on it's way out the door a while back!)

Marnie

Yippee for school holidays!

2007-10-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

Two full weeks of not having to get five kids organised for the morning school run!

Actually today Lachlan and Cody went to the Perth Royal Show with Mum and Dad, Darrin and Claire so my day was quite peaceful - I only had three kids to look after, LOL! The big boys have just come home now and by the sounds of it they had a fantastic day. Lachlan was sound asleep when they got in but my little chatterbox Cody was bright eyed and full of stories about their day. I love how he gets so animated when he is talking about stuff he loves, so cute!

Dan worked a long day today and didn't get in till about 8.30 tonight. He then ate dinner and went straight to bed so I have pretty much been on my own all day. It's not always a good thing to spend so much time alone as I begin to think about stuff too much.

I have been dwelling on the past a fair bit lately, I just can't seem to shake the bad feelings that the twins birth and subsequent start to life brought us :( I am trying really hard to get over it and if I don't have time to stop and think about it all I can handle it but then something will happen to make all those feelings resurface and I get very teary and emotional about it all over again (like that telethon add that keeps flashing up the tiny baby on CPAP). I re-read my blog entries tonight and I am amazed at how far these little guys have come but It still feels so raw to me (though to look at them now you would never even know) I am aware that I have been so very lucky and that we seem to have no long standing medical issues so I even feel a little guilty having 'issues' about all of this but I feel such a deep sense of loss surrounding the circumstances of their first few weeks and what should have been a joyous time.

part of me thinks that I just need to get over it and move on - so why do I keep on having these thoughts? why dwell on it when everything is fine now? who knows? maybe it's a natural part of being able to process everything that happened so that I can move on... up until now I haven't really had the time to stop and reflect so maybe that's all it is.

Anyhow, Everything is great - all the kids are healthy and although I am sometimes a little bit down because I am so tired I am also counting my blessings and trying to remember to enjoy this time while all the kids are so young as I know it will be gone in the blink of an eye. The bigger kids all adore their little brothers and love to make them smile and 'talk' to them. There is nothing nicer than to watch them all interact with the babies and to see that love between them - those are the times that I am reminded that all the sleeplessness and craziness is worth it!

Above are some gorgeous photos taken the other day by my sister, Kim.

M.

General update.

2007-09-22T17:38:00.000+08:00

It's a quiet house here today so i thought I would take the opportunity to update my blog!

Lachlan and Cody have gone with their Nanna and Poppy to Narrogin speedway for the afternoon so we have had a nice quiet day with the three littlies. All three babies had a sleep at the same time and I did nothing (not that I had nothing to do, LOL!)

Now we have just been for a walk around the estate here and I am feeling pretty good for it! I have been on a major weight loss campaign here in an attempt to loose some post baby belly and get ready for my cousin Wendy's wedding on the 6th Oct (I am chief bridesmaid) So far I have lost 4.5kg but I would love to loose about another 5kilos. Obviously I won't make that goal before the wedding but I'll see what I can manage. I am determined to keep on exercising too. Most of the time I can't be bothered but when I do make the time for it I feel so much happier with myself.

Things around here have been good. The babies now weigh a hefty 5.5kg and are doing great. We trialled coming off the antacid medicaton this week - what a mistake that was!! We have now gone back on it and we're waiting for it to kick in and take effect so that these whinging miserable babes can be replaced with my usual placid and non-demanding babies! The poor little men have been spewing sooooo much and screaming with the pain of reflux :( Other than that they have been really well though. I have been surprised at how tough they have been since coming home from hospital actually - they had a cold a week ago and I was sure it would develop into some sort of infection for them but both came through the other side of it fairly quickly with no further complications - I think we have some pretty tough little guys here.

Cody has been driving me batty. He is my most challenging child by far at the moment! I love him to pieces but sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with him - he is like a little ball of energy most of the time and he can't control himself, he just has far too much fun tormenting his siblings and making them yell! I think a lot of it might be to do with boredom so I am hoping that once he gets to kindy next year he might become a little more manageable. I am actually thinking af attending a triple P program to see if I can brush up on any strategies to help deal with him a little better. I am so sick of screaming at the kids all the time and I know that there are better (more effective) ways of dealing with them. *sigh* why can't they stay little babies forever - at least then they don't develop attitudes and talk back LOL!

Lachlan is doing school swimming lessons at the moment. He seems to be really enjoying it! He asked me to come down to the pools and watch but it is so hard to get out and do things like that. I did manage to have the four littlies looked after by Kim the other day so I could go and watch and he was so pleased that I was there - i feel guilty for not being able to give him the time that some of his friends mum's can give their kids :( I might have to see if I can manage it again this week at least once, even if I have to take all the kids with me and make them sit in the pram (although I can just see how well it will go down to take Cody and Niamh to the pool and not let them swim!!)

Oh well, I'd better get going and figure out what's for tea in this house - I promise to try and update a little more often!

M.

2007-08-24T17:33:00.000+08:00

Things here have been pretty hectic - but nothing out of the ordinary :)

The twins are growing so fast now, I can't believe how small they once were. They are now 12 (nearly 13) weeks old and I'm not too sure how much they weigh. I am getting them weighed on Mon so I will know then but I am guessing over 4 kilo each now? The last few days they have been quite unsettled and chucky so I am hoping that it's just a stage they are going through

We had our friends over today and it was crazy but fun :) between the five of us we had 11 kids here (and that was with all the older siblings at school, LOL!) They all had a great day and my little ones enjoyed catching up with some other kids and having a play - sometimes I think they are going a little stir-crazy when I try to stay at home all the time (the effort required to load everyone up in the car and go out often outweighs the benefit of actually going!)

I am drowning in washing and struggling to get out of my PJ's most days but in general I am loving being the mum to five kids! I love the craziness and the noise, I love the playing and the fun, I love the fighting to a much lesser degree - but hey! You can't have everything :) I am finding that there are a lot of people out there prepared to pass judgement and make rude comments about our choice to have 5 kids but I am greatful for the few people I hear make comments like "double the joy" or congratulate me on my beautiful kids. I try to ignore those who make rude unnecessary comments - I tend to think they must be a little jealous! At least I will never be lonely or bored LOL! My friend had a great comeback today that I must remember - next time someone says "geez, you have too many kids" (like the rude lady in Target the other day) I should say back very loudly -" I guess one is too many for some people!" (with a tone that infers - I MEAN YOU!) I know I will never regret having any of my kids but if I hadn't gone ahead and had that fourth (and fifth) one I may very well have had regrets! Life is crazy, I am tired but I am HAPPY :)

Still here!

2007-08-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

Gosh! where is the time disappearing to? The boys are now 10 weeks old and going great guns :) I had them weighed the other day and they were 3.6 and 3.8 kilos ( Blake being slightly bigger now) They are really filling out and losing that newborn baby look by the day :( I am sad that they are changing as I want to remember every moment of how they are now, all precious and snuggly and small - but at the same time I am so proud of them and how they have come along! They have already shown us what strong little men they are and I have a feeling that nothing is going to stop them now!

The other kids are all going really well too at the moment. We have finally gotten rid of all the flu and cold bugs in this house now (they were all seriously sick for about 8 full weeks - it was wearing very thin!) Lachlan is acting so grown up these days too. He is proud of his big brother status and spends a lot of time trying to show me how grown up he can be - it's really cute to see! He is so gentle with the babies too and loves to give them cuddles and kisses. Cody is a little more full on (that's just his personality) but he is so funny! He says the cutest things and I love to see how his mind works. He comes out with quirky little facts all the time - like tonight we were just sitting there and he says " Owls have big wide eyes so they can see in the dark and they wake up at night time and sleep in the day time" I have no idea where he learned that from but that's so typical of him - I think he is a pretty clever little guy and he'll do really well at school next year. Niamh is my little miss with attitude at the moment - she's just lucky she's so darned cute! She's a bit of a bossy boots and she knows her mind but she has such personality too! Mum and Dad say she is a lot like me as a child - god help her, LOL!

At the moment our day to day life consists of feeding babies and changing their bums 24/7. I am still waiting to see a smile from the bubs but Kim says she got one yesterday from Max and Dana was here and saw the end of it! The sad thing is that I would love to catch a smile but I am never sitting down talking or playing with them. I am always so busy trying to hurry up so I can do the next thing on my list that I don't get the chance to enjoy them. I really must try to remember to take the time to enjoy them both as they are because I know how fast it will all change.

Some photos

2007-07-21T22:43:00.000+08:00

Just wanted to really quickly share some photos. We had a photo session with a really talented EB mum called Fiona who is setting up a photography business and was kind enough to do a "practice" photo shoot on my kids. These are just a few of the photos she has emailed me as a preview - I can't wait till we get all the images on a disk!! THANKYOU once again Fiona - the photos are fantastic and you are one talented mumma!!

My poor baby boy :(

2007-07-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

Just a quick update - I don't seem to have much time these days for anything that doesn't revolve around babies and feeding!

Well we have just spent the last two days up at PMH again. I had noticed last Sunday that Blake had a really swollen groin area. I rang Murdoch hospital and spoke to a midwife there who said that some swelling was not abnormal but that if we were concerned to call Dr Crompton (our Paed.) and make an appointment. We already had an appointment booked with Dr Crompton for Wednesday anyhow so we decided to leave it till then and mention it at the appointment.

So Wednesday rolled around and Dr Crompton took a look at it. As soon as he saw it he diagnosed an ingual hernia (the intestines are pushed down through the canals where the testes descend and bulge into the groin where they don't belong.) This is caused by weak muscles and happens in about 3% of baby boys. He told us we would need to go up to PMH and see a surgeon to have it fixed. We left the appointment at Murdoch and went straight to the emergency room at PMH. After being assessed the Drs there told us that because they were able to manually reduce it (push it back in) it was not an emergency, but that he would need to be operated on within 24-48 hours or else there was a risk of damage to the intestines.

We got a phone call the next day to say that the op would be done on Friday morning. We had to be up at the hospital at 7.00am and Blake was first on the list at 8.15am. The operation went well but the poor little man was so unhappy when he came out :( every time he moved he screamed in pain - very uncharacteristic of him! By the afternoon he had settled a lot more though and we were happy with him by the time we left him there in the evening. It was so weird to walk away from that hospital on Friday night with only Max in the pram. It was a sad feeling and I think it felt even more wrong to me than all those other times we walked away without babies. Perhaps it was because we were leaving only one baby behind on his own and I was worried he would be lonely and sad :(

After a strange night at home we woke up today and went to PMH to bring Blake home again. It took a little longer than expected to get the doctors to let us go home because they were concerned about the monitors picking up more desats but they were only happening when he was feeding and we were convinced that they were nothing more than what was happening weeks ago when we were discharged from ward 6b. After calling the neonates ward and asking about the history and calling Dr Crompton the Doctors on 5d were happy enough to let us go home but have told us that Dr Crompton wants to see us on Monday.

So - that has been the last few days for us. Hopefully that will be the last time we need to stay in hospital too!

Oh....my....god!!!!!

2007-07-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

I think I have found a new level of tired! Having had three children before you would think I would be familiar with the whole newborn/parental sleep deprivation situation but no..... having twins is much much worse! It's not twice as bad it feels about a hundred times worse and that just leaves me afraid because I know the worst is still to come! The babies are good babies and settle well between feeds at the moment, They are not really awake anough yet to have marathon screaming sessions but i am worried that we are yet to experience all of that :)

At the moment we are just struggling to get through the day (and night) with our sanity intact. Most of the day is taken up with feeding and changing the babies and trying to offer a little bit of attention to the other kids. The babies are taking about an hour and a half to feed and settle again and then I am still expressing after each feed. Through the night I then have less than an hour and a half to sleep before it all starts again. Dan and I are trying to do a shift each at night time and that is fine at the moment but next week he goes back to work - then things should get interesting!!

I don't want to sound like I am complaining though - I am really so very happy that my babies are here with me and I count my blessings each day that they are healthy and here, in our family where they belong.

I just wanted to take this opportunty to thank some people too. I have had soooo much support from my friends online and in real life so thankyou to everyone who sent me messages and emails and left messages on the blog. I may not have responded at the time but those messages of support really helped me through all of this drama. I'm not sure if they would ever read this or not but a HUGE thankyou to all of the medical staff that we have encountered through the last 8 weeks aswell! I can't begin to say how greatful I am to each and every one of the nurses and drs that we have seen and that have cared for our babies. Going through this experience has reminded us to be thankful that we live in this great country where such fantastic health care is available to us and in particular to these precious little babies born early. Finally my most MASSIVE THANKYOU goes to my wonderful family who have been there for not only me but Dan and our children aswell every step of the way. My parents have been a pillar of strength for me and basically moved in and cared for our children while we were unable to be there. Mum has wiped noses and bums, cleaned my house, cooked meals done my washing and supported us emotionally this whole time and I know I can count on her to continue to do so through the trying months ahead - so thankyou mum!!! (and Dad too, of course!!) To my Sister Kim, who despite having her own family commitments is also there for me whenever I need her and has helped out on countless occasions with the kids while I was occupied at the hospital. She and her family also continue to support us now that the boys are home so thankyou!!! Also to my beautiful friends and Family who have been there supporting and helping me along the way and who I appreciate so much - Aunty Jill, Wendy, Julie, Dana (who came and stayed for a week to help out :) )and Rod, Alan and Janette... there are just so many people that I really hope I didn't miss anyone out. You all know who you are and I just had to say a huge thanks to you all for caring.

OK, enough soppy rambling - I really NEED sleep now,LOL! I will try to update again soon but obviously posts are few and far between for me right now.

M.

a new chapter....

2007-07-09T22:38:00.000+08:00

Just a really quick post as I should be sleeping while I can....

I am so pleased to announce that Max and Blake are home with us where they belong!! :D

I can't begin to say how happy I am to have them home and be a "real" mum to them. I love to see them snuggled up together in their own cot and know that I get to cuddle and kiss them whenever I want to! I don't so much love the way it takes an hour and a half to feed them both and settle them, leaving only an hour or so until I need to wake them and start all over again but it's a small price to pay for having two such beautiful little men at home with us! I think I will be reminded each and every time I look at them, what a miracle they truly are and how lucky we are to be blessed with them - with all of our beautiful children actually :)

Anyhow, enough soppy-ness. I really need to sleep!

M.

Almost at the finish line!

2007-07-06T18:39:00.001+08:00

The next time I log in I could have the babies at home with me!! I have a thousand things to organise but I am very excited to report that the hospital has told us today that we can board there tomorrow night and the next night and then (all being well) bring the babies home on Monday!!

Aaaaarrrggghhhh! I have so much to organise here tonight because I will be out of the house early in the morning and won't be back for a few days - then I will be very very busy with two newborns to deal with!

Wish me luck!!

M.

PS - to those who know me IRL and might be interested in visiting to meet our little men, please note - we plan on doing a "meet Max and Blake" open day at our house about a week after we get them home. We will let you all know the date and times and we would love to see you there.

The first photo is Max, the second one Blake. Taken yesterday 5/7/07.

Progress report :)

2007-07-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

I haven't really updated where the boys are at for a few days now....

After things dragging on for so long up at PMH we have noticed a real difference now that the babies are at SJOG Murdoch. Since arriving there the other day they have been taken off of all monitoring - so that means although they may still be having small desats they are no longer being monitored. When we asked the Dr about why he said that they have to be taken off monitoring at some point and that they can see by watching them that these desats are nothing major as they don't cause a colour change or distress in the bubs. So that is good news! We can now cuddle them without any wires attached at all :) The only thing left is the NG tube and hopefully that won't be in too much longer either.

They have also been offering suck feeds at every feed and although they are very sleepy and tired they are managing to suck most feeds and have not had a tube feed for half a day now. Hopefully they will manage to get through by being woken for bottle/breast feeds every feed and then after a while they can have the tubes taken out. I can't wait to see their little faces without all that tape all over them for the first time - then we can see what they really look like!

The final change is that they have stopped the thickening of the milk in bottles. Up at PMH the Drs and Nurses had diagnosed them as having reflux (apparently very common in premmies anyway) and although they weren't throwing up their feeds you can see that they do seem to have "silent" relux where the feeds still come up and burn them. They make the little squeaky noises and coughing that seems to indicate the reflux. The PMH Drs decided to add thickener to the feeds but as Murdoch didn't have any thinckener and the bubs went without it for the first night, they decided they didn't need it. They didn't notice any difference in them either with or wothout the thickener so it makes no difference really! At this point that all seems fine and the bubs seem no worse without it so I am happy with that.

All in all pretty good progress I would say!! It really shouldn't be too long before we get told we can bring them home now and that actually makes me very nervous. I am scared that I won't be able to be a good mum to two babies at once. I am scared that I might not be able to look after them as well as they have been looked after in hospital. I am scared that they are more fragile than my other babies have ever been and that they might be more at risk for illness or SIDS. I am scared that I won't be able to feed them the way I want to and will have to give them formula. I am excited, I am just nervous!

M.

It's all good

2007-07-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

OK, I have to apologize for my last post. I was feeling very down and grumpy that night and had to stay away for a few days to recover but I report in today with some good news. Although we were expecting it to happen later in the week we got a phone call today at about lunch time from PMH saying that Max and Blake could be transferred this afternoon! We found out that the transfer was happening at 2.30pm and so we decided to go and meet them at St John of God, Murdoch when they arrived.

We spent the afternoon settling them into their new beds and giving them a feed before we came home to the other kids and relieved Grandma and Grandad! So all is good. The boys are one step closer to home and although I am still feeling pretty flat and miserable about it all I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and looking forward to the day we get to start our real (busy) family life.

M.

GRRRRRRR!

2007-07-01T17:43:00.000+08:00

I am really thoroughly and utterly pissed off! I am so sick of everything :(

Today we walked into the nursery at the hospital to be told by one of the nurses "I have just given them a bath" - WHAT THE HELL?? Blake has only ever had one bath and Max still hadn't had his first ever bath yet - I was waiting until I was allowed to do it!! I had stressed to the nurses the other day that I wanted to do his first bath but then this woman just goes ahead and does it without any thought to how the parents might feel! I am actually in tears again thinking about it and I know it sounds silly and that in the long run it is of no real consequence but I am just so disappointed :( Everything has been taken off me from the moment these boys were born and this is just one more "first" that I don't get to experience and there really was no reason that I couldn't have. I am sick of feeling so bloody useless there and not having control of my own babies. IT"S NOT FAIR!!!! They are stealing my memories :(

The other thing that we are majorly peeved about is how the left hand doesn't seem to know what the right hand is doing up there at that hospital. The nurses are generally fantastic and they work really hard but as parents it is so frustrating to be told different things by each nurse that starts a shift there. The trouble seems to stem from the fact that there are so many agency nurses and casual nurses that come in to do shifts. They haven't worked with neonates all that much and they all do things differently. The major frustration today was that although we were witnessing desats on the monitors the nurse looking after them was not recording them at all. When we queried this she told us that her 30 years of experience tell her that they mean nothing (as they are fleeting, and self resolving) and so she doesn't need to record them! Well that's fine but they are no different to the ones that were occurring the other day when the nurse on duty was recording every single one. Those charts are the only things that the Drs use to determine a course of action for these babies so if they are supposed to be recorded or not - I don't care but it would be nice if it was at least consistent.

My final gripe was with the stupid nurse that was on last night. She really must have been on another planet because she was told quite a few times that we were alternating tube and suck feeds yesterday afternoon. Blake was almost due for a tube when Dan and I went downstairs for a coffee and I told her as much when I left the room. When we walked back in what do I find but her sitting there with a bottle shoved in his mouth!! I don't mind if he is awake and looking for it but believe me - he wasn't! She ended up needing to tube the rest of it anyway as he just wasn't waking up for it!! I explained again that we are meant to be alternating tube and bottle feeds to give them a 6 hour break between having to work for their suck feeds as I was concerned that the desats might have been caused by tiredness. Anyway, this morning we check the charts to see that the comments box for every hour last night state "asleep" in each one but they were offered a bottle at each feed anyway - that means she woke them up every feed instead of letting them sleep for every second one!!! GRRRRR! How hard is it????

Anyhow - sorry for the negative post - I am just really fed up at the moment and I want my babies home :(

M.

Too good to be true.

2007-06-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

Just a quick update.

The transfer to Murdoch didn't happen today :( Max is still having quite frequent desats (and Blake has had a few again today too) and although there seems to be no infection in either of them they still can't be transferred back while they are so unstable.

I am really feeling a bit flat about it :( I know it makes sense but i just wish that we weren't told that the transfer would happen, only to have it taken away from us again!

M.

One month old today!

2007-06-28T21:09:00.000+08:00

and what a crazy first month of life it's been!

They are really pushing the boys ahead now, on one hand I am glad but at the same time I am worried that it will all be too much for them. When I arrived today I saw that they have now placed them both in a wire cot together! I was very glad to see them in there with each other - it was like they were finally where they belonged! The reason I am a little worried is that all along we have been told "we have to take it very slow" and "we can't rush them or they won't cope" and then all of a sudden everything is changing (particularly for Max) and they are rapidly placed on full feeds, out of isolettes and then almost immediately out of perspex cots and into open wire cots, being pushed to suck feed at every feed now (despite the charts saying "offer 2 suck feeds a day") etc..

We had been given the best news yet this afternoon - that all being well today they would be transferred back to SJOG Murdoch toorrow morning! It really is a step closer to home and it means that the Drs at PMH feel that they are stable and going really well now and that all they need is to learn to feed. Then from about lunch time on it all started going a little pear shaped! Max started having regular desats (like every few minutes!) and required stimulation to bring the oxygen levels back up a few times. Then later in the afternoon Blake decided to join in the fun and he had two fairly long ones that actually saw him going a bit blue in colour. I can't help but wonder if they are just not coping all that well with all the changes that have been forced on them in the last two days! Believe me, I want them to progress more than anyone else does but I really don't want them to be pushed too hard and to take a step backwards! The Dr came to look at them and ordered blood cultures and CRP (to test for the presence of infection). I have since rung to check on them and although Blake has settled down, Max is still having desats. The blood resuts are now back and they are all normal - so who knows what is going on?

Anyhow, some other good news we received was that an eye screen that they had done shows no problems at this point (bubs born prem have a much greater risk of eye problems) They will need a follow up screen done in 2 weeks at the clinic at PMH but it all looks good for now. A Dr also came and spoke to me and again assured me that there was nothing to be concerned about in the head scans any more and that they are not worried by them at all.

So now I am off to bed to wonder what tomorrow will bring. I am hoping that the transfer can still go ahead but at the same time I do not want them shifted to SJOG if they have unresolved health issues or are in any way unstable :( I guess I will toss and turn all night and then call early to see what is happening.

one step closer again!

2007-06-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

Hooray for little Max!! He has now graduated into an open cot like his brother :)

They shifted him into a perspex cot at about 4pm and when we left there tonight he had been holding his temp quite well. They are now also grading him up to 3 hourly feeds so hopefully (all going well) tomorrow night they will both be on full feeds every three hours. If Max continues going well with is temperatures we might be able to give him a bath in the next day or so too.

Something else I am really happy about is that once both boys show stability in the small perspex cots they will put them in together in a larger cot side by side!! I can't wait for them to be reunited but I think at this point it is probably more for my own benefit than theirs because they seem to have gotten quite used to being alone :( It makes me sad to think that they don't even know each other now because they have been forced to spend the first month of their lives apart - it should never have been like that and I sort of feel like something special has been taken off of them now, like that bond has already been broken a little! Maybe I'm just being silly but it makes me cry to think about it!

Blake had another breastfeed attempt tonight and he fed like a champ for about 10 mins. When he was finished he had a little chuck and overflowed a little bit so I am pretty confident that he got a full feed from me for the first time. Now he just needs to get a little stronger and be able to make more and more feeds suck feeds. Hopefully in the next few days Max will be allowed to attempt his first suck feed too!

We have been told that soon we will be able to transfer them back to Murdoch if we want to. We are just trying to figure out if we actually want to do that because there are some pretty significant costs associated with having the babies there (even after what HBF will pay out). I will make some phone calls tomorrow and see what I can figure out.

So all in all - GOOD NEWS!

M.

2007-06-26T14:05:00.000+08:00

More progress to report today :)

I spent most of yesterday at the hospital and got the chance to breastfeed Blake twice (they are only offering two suck feeds a day as it takes it out of him to have to work for his food). Both times we attempted he was better than the day before and the evening attempt resulted in him being attched and feeding properly for a good few minutes. I think that with a bit of practice he will catch on really well, it's just a matter of time so that he can build up his strength and be alert and able to suck all his feeds rather than being tube fed.

Max is still going well too and at last report he was on his way to 2 hourly feeds (should be there by this afternoons visit!)

The biggest and best news that we got yesterday was that they both had their 28 day head ultrasounds and the doctor came in to tell me that both boys scans looked a bit better than the last ones they had done and that they are very hopeful that those white patches will just disappear all together! It is such a relief to hear even that much - I am finding it much easier to be positive about it now. No babies come with guarantees of health but at least I now feel like my boys have as much chance as everyone else :)

Finally I need to share my warm fuzzy feelings with you :P After I finished the feed with Blake last night I got to sit and cuddle him for ages and this time I was able to actually slouch back in the chair and put him on my chest in a little suggled up ball! I put the blanket over him and we just sat there cuddling for the longest time - I finally felt like this was the way it was meant to be!! Words can't even describe how nice it felt to be allowed to have that experience with him! Now I just can't wait for his brother to join us.

M.

a first bath for Blake!

2007-06-24T20:01:00.000+08:00

Yep - today we got to give Blake his first ever bath!! He has been out of the isolette for long enough now and seems to be holding his temerature quite well so today we were allowed to bath him :) It was so nice to be able to do something normal with him and we caught it on Video and the digital camera. He actually quite liked the water and was happy to lie there for quite a while. It was also lovely to be able to take all the monitors off him (even if it was just for a little while) and hold him relatively wire free (only the NG tube)

After I had dressed him (the nurses insisted he wear the matching outfit to his brother - they did look very cute though!) He was due for another feed so I put him to the breast at the same time as his milk feed was put through his NG tube to try and teach him to associate boobies with a full belly! He was very tired by this stage (the bath had exhausted him, it doesn't take much when they are so little) but he had a few real attempts at sucking before giving up and falling asleep. We will try again tomorrow but it's all baby steps in the right direction.

Both boys had lost a little bit of weight again today so it was decided that they would add calories to my expressed breast milk to boost it up a little. They are not incredibly concerned about the weight loss but both boys graphs showed a downward trend for the last week or so, so I guess it is important not to let them loose too much weight.

Max is still just a day or so behind (probably due to the fact that he was the one that got the infections and was sick for a week!) He is still the larger of the twins at the moment but not by a while lot. They have left him on 14.5ml continuous milk feeds at the moment.

We took some more side by side shots today. They looked so gorgeous snuggled up together on my knee!

And finally - I just wanted to share. My mum sent me this verse that she found today and I thought it was just beautiful! Thankyou mum!!

A PERFECT CHOICE

Finally, God passes a name to an angel and smiles, 'Give her a premature child.'
The angel is curious. 'Why this one, God? She's so happy'
'Exactly,' smiles God. 'Could I give a premature child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.'
'But has she patience?' asks the angel.
'I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother.'
'But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you.'
God smiles. 'No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.'
The angel gasps, 'Selfishness? Is that a virtue?'
God nods. If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive.
Yes, there is a woman whom I will bless with a child in a less perfect way. She doesn't realise it yet, but she will be envied. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Mama' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it!
She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.'
'And what about her patron saint?' asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles. 'A mirror will suffice.'

Author Unknown

Woo Hoo!!

2007-06-23T19:50:00.000+08:00

I have some great news to report today :) Blake has been promoted from the isolette to a perspex cot - YIPPEE!! It is so great to see him out of that box and in a real baby bed. He is managing to maintain his temperature and is wearing a little five 0 romper that I took in from home. He needs to wear a hat all the time and is well wrapped and rugged up but he is doing great. The second piece of good news for Blake was that I have been told we can start to introduce him to breastfeeding. Today I put him to the boob for a few minutes when he was due for a tube feed but he didn't really know what to do. The idea is to introduce it slowly to him and see if I can get him interested at all so we will try again tomorrow - it is just exciting that he is at that point (finally!)

Max is now on full feeds (14ml) continuous and I think he will stay there for about 24 hours before they start to grade him up to two hourly feeds. They have also begun to wean him off the isolette by lowering the temperature in there by half a degree every hour. Hopefully he won't be too far behind his "little" brother

I feel so pleased by their progress tonight. I am sooooo anxious to get them home now! I am sick of that hospital and more than ready to be their mummy now.

On a negative note - Lachlan is really not well :( He has spent the last few hours with is head in a bucket (not actually being sick but choking when he coughs - yucko!) he is really warm and miserable as anything :( He really doesn't do "sick" very well, poor little guy. I just really hope he feels better tomorrow!

still sinking in....

2007-06-22T21:00:00.000+08:00

As I sat there at the hospital tonight looking at my new baby boys and they lie there staring back at me through the perspex I ran through the last 4 weeks in my head and I still can't believe how it has all unfolded. I feel saddened that we have had to experience their entry to the world in such a traumatic way, but at the same time I still can't quite get my head around just how damned lucky we are that we are now preparing to bring two babies home instead of preparing to bury one or even both of my babies. It's a morbid thought and one that I haven't dwelled on too much but on reflection I can't help thinking about just how close we may have come to that terrible outcome. I know for sure that when the heart trace was being done that afternoon of the 28th May, Max's heart rate was around 80bpm and dropping below that. I probably shouldn't have but I did a search on the net for "fetal heart rate 80" and found the following :

"Fetal Bradycardia
Fetal bradycardia is defined as a baseline heart rate less than 120 bpm. Bradycardia in the range of 100 to 120 bpm with normal variability is not associated with fetal acidosis. Bradycardia of this degree is common in post-date gestations and in fetuses with occiput posterior or transverse presentations.16 Bradycardia less than 100 bpm occurs in fetuses with congenital heart abnormalities or myocardial conduction defects, such as those occurring in conjunction with maternal collagen vascular disease.16 Moderate bradycardia of 80 to 100 bpm is a nonreassuring pattern. Severe prolonged bradycardia of less than 80 bpm that lasts for three minutes or longer is an ominous finding indicating severe hypoxia and is often a terminal event.4,11,16 Causes of prolonged severe bradycardia are listed in Table 6. If the cause cannot be identified and corrected, immediate delivery is recommended."

Those last three sentences really prove to me what I suspected was the case but was still having trouble believing - we were BLOODY LUCKY!

Anyhow - enough of the heavy stuff and an update on the little men....

Blake has lost a little bit more weight but still not a major concern. Today he weighs 1960g, a loss of 62g since yesterday. He is now on feeds every 2 hours of 28ml. It's so good to see him at this stage, it seems we have waited a long time to get here!

Max gained 48g from yesterday so now weighs 2206g. The best news for him tonight is that his drip tissued again so they turned it off and then decided that he didn't need it any more and they removed it! YAY FOR MAX!! No more nasty TPN drip!! It's so nice to see the needles being removed from them and each week less medicines and intervention - they almost look like normal little bubbies lying there now. The only things they have are the NG tubes in their noses and the probes on their feet for the oxygen saturation levels. Blake still had the wires on his chest and tummy tonight (respiration and heart rate monitors) but Max didn't have those (not too sure why, but hopefully it won't be long and they will be gone too!) Max is now up to 10ml per hour continuous feeds. He needs to make it to 14ml per hour to be a full feed amount so he is getting there!

The funniest thing is how happy I am that they are both pooing! We had been waiting for Max to start pooing on his own (without the help of the suppositories) and tonight while I was holding him I noticed that he was a bit stinky! When I put him back in the isolette I changed his nappy and as I wiped him he did a massive poo everywhere! It was so funny because I wasn't expecting it at all and I have no idea how someone so small can poo so much!! It really is great news though because it tells us that he is finally digesting the feeds properly. We also found out when we read the charts that earlier today Blake's whole incubator had to be changed for a clean one because he did exactly the same thing at a nappy change except he managed to spraypaint the perspex box, LOL! Typical boys already!! Gross!

I took some more really cute photos tonight too! I will try to upload them tomorrow when I get a chance. I have no idea what we are up to this weekend. Lachlan has come crashing down with some sort of bug this afternoon and has a raging fever and aches and pains. He also has a cough and stinging glassy lookig eyes - great! I just hope it is short lived and none of the other kids get it. I also really hope Dan and I don't catch it because that would mean no visits to the babies till we are over it again (they are far too little and vulnerable at the moment and we can't risk getting any more infections!) Oh well, hopefully it won't come to that and Lachie will wake up tomorrow feeling better (fingers crossed.)

M.

more good news :)

2007-06-21T21:59:00.000+08:00

Today the bubs are still on the right track :) Every time I go up to the hospital I find myself walking into that room and holding my breath until I am told that they are still doing the right things! I feel like I am waiting for the bad news again but I have everything crossed that we are past that stage now.

Blake is now being slowly switched to two hourly feeds. They have stopped the continuous infusion and instead feed him through the NG tube on the hour, but different amounts each hour. The idea is that one hour he might get a little less than half and the next a little more and gradually the amounts will change so that in the end he is receiving the full feed every 2 hours and nothing on the odd hour. Once he has achieved that and is tolerating it he will switch in the same way from two hourly to three hourly feeds. Once on three hourly feeds he will be where it is considered "normal" and we will be able to think about breastfeeding and teaching him how to suck feed.

Blake is also slowly being adapted to room temperature so that they can be sure he is capable of maintaining his own body temp and he can come out of the humidicrib - YIPPEE!! I can't wait to get him out of that horrible box he has had to live in for almost 4 weeks now. I am pretty sure that once he goes into a perspex cot I am allowed to pick him up and give him lots more cuddles too - I am really looking forward to that :)

Little Max is still lagging behind a little with his feeds but they are pushing on. He is now on 8ml per hour continuous and seems to be tolerating it ok. His tummy is not too distended and looks ok, but he is still not having dirty nappies on his own so he really needs to start doing that so we can be sure his digestive system is working. Until he reaches full feed amounts he still has the drip for the TPN but I am hopeful that he will reach that point in the next few days. I can't wait to see that nasty needle out of his arms and legs - his little hands and feet are literally black from bruising so it must be painful. He is still having the eye drops for that eye infection but that seems to be all clearing up now and I am hoping that the only reason he is a little slower is because he did get sick and had to fight off infections and now that is all cleared up he will catch up too.

I am finding myself getting increasingly frustrated this week. I can see good progress in the bubs but it is making me anxious to get them home! While they were sick it was really scary and I was petrified of what was going to happen next, but I also knew that I couldn't take care of them and that they were in the best possible place. Now that they are seemingly healthy I just keep thinking "I want them home! I am sick of the freeway, sick of that hospital and sick of our lives being turned upside down!". The kids at home have had enough too and I just want some form of "normal" to return to our house (whatever that new "normal" might be! I just want to start learning how to deal with everything and to get on with it!!!) I have never been very good at waiting for anything so this is really testing me, LOL!

aaaah well, I'd better go to bed so I can get up and face it all again tomorrow!

looking good!

2007-06-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

Blake is going really well and now on full feed amounts (though still on continuous). He will stay at 14 mls for a few days and then we will start the process of switching him to two hourly feeds. Today was the second day in a row that he lost weight but no one has said anything to me about it so I guess it's no real issue. He is now pooing and weeing like he should so YIPPEE!!

Max is still not really digesting all that well but they are pushing him a little now. They have decided to stop aspirating and just keep a close eye on him. He is on 4ml per hour continuous and going up to 5ml during the night tonight. They have been giving him suppositories to make sure that he doesn't get bloated from being "backed up" and they are just watching his tummy to make sure it doesn't get distended. Fingers crossed for him! We are hoping he can catch up to his brother over the next few days.

This photo was taken tonight. It is only the third time we have had them out together and the first photo we have of all four of us together :)

Happy 3 weeks old boys!!

2007-06-18T21:47:00.000+08:00

These photos were taken tonight Mon 18th June. The first shot is Max and the second Blake.

Another day on the right track! Both boys seem to be doing well (although Blake is charging ahead with his feed tolerance issues at the moment and leaving his brother behind a bit!)

Blake is now on 12ml/hr continuous milk feeds which is almost a full feed (should be 13 and a bit!) so today they decided to leave his TPN drip off! YIPPEE!! No more nasty horrible drip hanging out of his poor little bruised hands and feet :) It's such a small thing but a huge achievement for him (and us!) The Dr explained that now they need to get him to a full feed amount and leave him there for about 48 hours and then once that is stable they will start to slowly switch him to feeds every 2 hours rather than continuous and see if his tummy can tolerate that. Once we are at that point we are looking at real progress!!

Blake's weight today was 2072g so down 12g from yesterday but I don't think that's an issue really.

Max is still not doing so well with his feeds. They have upped it to 3ml per hour continuous even though they are still getting large aspirates back. The idea is that they keep pushing on a little bit in the hopes that he will just kick into action eventually and start digesting it. He needs to have some in his belly in order to learn to digest it but not so much as it causes him a problem.

Max's weight today was 2042g, up 42g since yesterday. He still has his TPN drip, that will stay until he gets up around the full feed amount too.

Both boys had their hearing tests today which they passed without an issue. They also had the head ultrasounds and according to the Dr, the bright patches are still present on both scans in the white matter of the brain but weather that has a consequence we are yet to see! They will repeat scans periodically and keep an eye on it but at the moment it is pretty inconclusive and there are no real answers about what (if anything) that might mean for the future. We have been reassured that there is still every chance that it might just dissappear still - fingers crossed!

Cautiously optimistic

2007-06-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

I am so dead tired and it's 11.30pm so just a quick update from me!

Tonight we are feeling hopeful that the boys are on the right track now. We have just got back from the hospital where we found that Blake is now taking 8ml per hour continuous milk feeds through his NG tube and Max is still on 2ml per hour continuous (but at least they haven't stopped him again!) Max seems to be progressing a little slower and they are still getting aspirates back, but not huge ones and they have decided to put the partly digested milk back in through the tube after the aspirates (sounds gross huh!) because as one of the Drs said, if we are not feeding him he will never learn to digest it!

Today Blake weighs 2084g (up 52g since yesterday) and Max weighs 2000g (up 58g from yesterday) I am really happy with these weights as it is the heaviest they have been and you can actually see their little cheeks getting chubbier :) Both boys have a head circumference of 30cm now too!

We took the big boys up to the hospital today to see Max and Blake before we went off to the movies (Shrek the third - a good movie for those who might be interested! The kids loved it!!) Lachlan was so gorgeous to watch while he interacted with his baby brothers :) He can't wait to be allowed to have a cuddle but right now they are too vulnerable for that - hopefully it won't be long though. For now he just reaches through the ports in the incubators and strokes their legs and arms. He talks so gently to them and it's really sweet to watch. Unfortunately my camera batteries were dead but we got some really good video footage of them. Cody loved to have a chat with them too (hey, when doesn't Cody love a chat ;) LOL!) and he was dragging the foot stools up to the incubators so he could get a good look in.

I will try to add some more photos tomorrow night after I get some new batteries!

Just eat already!!!

2007-06-15T21:16:00.000+08:00

Max started the day on half ml per hour feeds and had worked his way up to one ml again by this afternoon when we went in for a visit. While we were there they took another large aspirate from him (9ml) so again they decided to stop his feeds for a while and they will start again some time tonight. I guess we will see tomorrow how they are going!

Blake is still on 2ml per hour continuous feeds and seems to be digesting it at this point. Yesterday he actually gained a fair bit of weight too. He now weight 2024g so he is up 112g since yesterday. He has cracked the 2kg mark and he is now heavier than his birth weight. Max weighs 1894g, up 8g since yesterday and he is also just over his birth weight now.

Max had a swab done on his eye and the results came back that the bug in it was actually one that can cause eye problems. An eye Dr was called to look at him and thankfully they don't think it has caused any problems for him. It was caught early and the IV antibiotics he was already on for the infection from the IV was also one that would cover the eye bug! They have changed him from the Chlorsig cream to some more effective eye drops though - poor little man :(

Blakes foot looks a little less sore today and his heart rate seems to have settled down. It looks like he may not be getting an infection after all so that is some good news. It still looks pretty nasty though! They had a little dressing on the burn today and a splint to stop him from bending his ankle too much where the burn is.

They had tried to do the long lines on both boys again today and were not successful with either of them so I think they have decided to abandon that idea for now. They are going to stick with the peripheral drips but I noticed today that they now have one in Blakes forearm rather than the back of his hand - I guess the veins on the back of his hands have really had enough now and they just don't work any more.

Finally - the head ultrasounds that we were waiting on today have not been done yet. They forms have been written up for them and they have been requested but they just never got around to it today, so now we have to wait till next week :( It's not like the ultrasounds will change the outcome but It is still horrible to know that we have to wait even longer now before we get any sort of answers!

well, I am too tired tonight to type any more so I am off to bed. My kids have all been feral tonight and I think they are really feeling the effects of the confusion at home. Tonight they just seemed to tag team each other on the crying and tantrum front but I have to try to let it stress me. I know they are just trying to figure it all out too. We will get there in the end!

M.

2007-06-14T18:34:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling really peeved off and angry tonight and I really don't know why! I think I am just going through a stage of feeling sorry for myself and feeling quite ripped off with the whole situation and our experience of welcoming these two little men into our lives. Mostly I feel angry for what they have to endure. It's not fair that these two gorgeous little guys have to put up with the constant poking and prodding. The blood tests and the monitoring. staring at the world through the walls of those horrible plastic boxes and not getting the comfort of cuddles from their mummy and daddy. They don't deserve to have all those bruises on their hands and feet and Blake shouldn't have that horrible painful looking burn on his ankle that will most likely scar and leave a reminder of this sh**ty time :(

OK, enough of that and onto the factual stuff...

The boys were on 1ml hourly continuous feeds when I last posted. At about 9pm last night they aspirated Max and got 15ml back out! That is a huge amount considering the tiny amounts that were going in so they stopped his feeds overnight and recommenced this morning at the puny amount of half a ml per hour continuous!!! I am sure we can't get any lower now!!

Blake had a few desats today (Oxygen levels dropping) and his heart rate was a little low and doing funny things (Bradys) so the drs were still suspecting that he might be brewing an infection. They ordered blood tests to check for infection and they decided to start him on antibiotics too, just as a precaution at the moment. They were commenting that the burn on his foot looks red and swollen and quite sore so they are concerned that he is really prone to infection at that site. The bloods should be back tomorrow but in the mean time he is on antibiotics anyway just in case.

Both boys were supposed to still be getting long lines put in tonight but I am not too sure if they have succeeded with those yet? Dan has gone up to the hospital again tonight so when he gets home I will know if they have managed to get that done. At least if they get those in I will know that they won't need to have the drips changed from hand to foot every few days - I think their little veins there have had enough and they are running out of hands and feet!

I am pretty sure that Blake is still on the 1ml per hour continuous feeds and tolerating that for the time being.

When the Drs were doing their rounds today they stopped to speak to me about their progress. The paed said that it is frustratingly slow but not outside the realms of normal just yet. If they continue to not tolerate their feeds for too much longer they might look into further testing to make sure that they don't have any further gut or bowel problems but at the moment they are still just considering that they have immature systems that are just slow to kick into gear and get working. I was reminded again that they are just not meant to be born yet and that we just need to wait for them to catch up. The head ultrasounds are going to be done tomorrow. I am sure I won't sleep all that well tonight :(

update 13/6/07

2007-06-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

Today things are looking pretty good. Max and Blake have both been placed on continuous feeds (at the rate of one ml every hour) and seem to be tolerating that tiny amount at the moment. I think tomorrow it will go up to two ml every hour. Max is going ok on the antibiotics and seems to be much better in himself (although he does seem very "yellow" to me tonight, I won't be surprised if he is back under lights again soon!) Max also has a gunky eye but is being given Chlorsig cream and it seems to be sorting itself out.

Poor little Blake has had a bit of a mishap overnight with the IV in his foot :( The fluid they put in through this drip is called TPN and it is quite nasty stuff. It has all the fluids and calories that they need but it must be quite acidic. The point where the needle is put into their little arms and feet often gets red and sore and they need to remove them and put them back in a different position every few days. Last night Blakes vein in his foot where the drip was inserted packed it in and the TPN fluid seeped out into the surrounding tissues in his foot. Some also leaked onto his skin and today he has a very swollen and red little foot and ankle and also a little burn about half a cm in diameter on the top of his foot. It looks really nasty and the skin there is all dead (it will come off like a scab eventually and will probably scar.) The nurses actually told us that it is not such a bad one and that often bubs need to have plastic surgery and a little skin graft when they happen :O OMG!!! I am really nervous that it is going to happen again to the poor little buggers!!

To try and fix this problem (because the boys seem to be needing the drips a lot longer than the Drs thought they woud be needing them) they are going to try and put PIC lines or long lines into both of them. These are catheters (tubes) that are inserted into a vein in the arm or leg and fed right up and into a main vein in the chest. They did try to do one in Blake tonight but the Dr was unsuccessfull and gave up for the day. He is going to try again tomorrow and also try to get Max's done too.

ok - now I am ready to update my post from Monday and fill you in on what has been happening with those tests I was talking about. I don't want to be dramatic and I want to stress that at this point we still know nothing and don't want to jump to any conclusions... OK, here is what I originally typed on monday :

"Now for both of them - Today the doctor came up to me and asked if he could give me an update on the twins. After explaining the other feeding issues and Max's illness he then went on to explain to me that the boys had routine head utrasounds on day one and day seven. The scans from day one showed a small white patch in the cerebral cortex for Blake and fairly normal for Max, but by the day 7 scan both boys were showing these white patches on the scans. I was told that this is called cerebral odema and it may or may not mean anything of consequence. Basically they will repeat the scan in another week and then we will have some sort of idea about what we might be dealing with. It is possible that this will just disappear all together, or it may be that it indicates some damage to the nerve fibres in that part of the brain. The consequences of that scenario are still pretty unclear to me, except that I know that is the part of the brain that deals with motor skills (movement) and the dr hinted at the chance of something like a weakness down one side of the body etc.. I really don't want to speculate about this right now and I can't even really talk about how I feel for fear that I might fall apart.... it is easier just to try not to think about it at this point, especially seeing as we won't really get any answers until after the next scan anyway :("

Emotionally today has been a real mix. On the one hand I keep feeling sorry for myself - like when I am reminiscing about the births of my older three kids and remembering those first few weeks (or hours even) when we got all the photos and cuddles I wanted and I have those memories of those first newborn days, then I think about the twins and their entry to the world. I didn't hold them at all for three days and the only photos I have from the first moments are in the isolettes with the oxy-domes over their heads and their little chests looking all collapsed in as they struggled to breath. They weren't being held by me or their daddy and they have barely been held since. I feel like I have had the first few months effectively taken off of me and I can never regain that time.

On the other hand I know how greatful I need to be that I even have two babies that I will eventually get to take home and cuddle. It came so very close to being a tragedy for one or even both of my boys and I have to be greatful for the way it has turned out.

let's try again!

2007-06-12T19:19:00.000+08:00

OK, here we go again. Both boys have been re-started on their tube feeds at a rate of 2ml each every two hours for twelve hours and then they might slowly start increasing them again (by about a ml every 12 hours!) I think the aim is to get them both to about 20ml every two hours so we still have a long road ahead of us. I am almost too scared to say that we are going well and heading in the right direction but for now that seems the case!

I am feeling a little brighter today about the previous test results that I mentioned. Dan came up to the hospital with me this morning and we asked the doctor in duty to explain it all to us again. After hearing it the second time it didn't seem quite so scary and I am trying to just focus on getting the boys moving in the right direction with regards to their feeds and getting out of those isolettes before I worry about what may or may not happen in the future! For now it all looks good so that is all I can worry about today :)

The photos at the top of this post are

1) Max in his isolette. You can tell that he really wasn't feeling the best, poor little man :(

2) Grandma with her first ever cuddle of one of the twins (this was Blake) on the 11th June (the day Max was really sick!)

Stop the ride.... I wanna get off :(

2007-06-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

*sigh* It is 11pm and we have just got home from the hospital again. Today has brought a whole new set of issues and a whole lot more questions without answers.

I'll start with Max - this is the good news! He seems to have perked up a lot and is on the mend. The antibiotics seem to be doing the trick and his colour has returned to normal. He is squirming and fidgeting like normal and although still very sleepy seems to be breathing like normal. They found a bug in the blood cultures that would be responsible for this infection and apparently it is a very common bug that lives on the skin and would have gotten in through the IV in his leg or arm. He will need to remain on the antibiotics for about 7 days and is currently not being tube fed at all because sick little bubs don't digest their food all that well and to leave it sitting in his belly might cause other gut problems. I am hoping that tomorrow they will recommence his feeds (though at what quantity I don't know??)

Now for Blake - He has had a few episodes of vomiting after his feeds (not a lot, but enough to make them watch him more closely) they aspirated before a feed this afternoon and got 9ml back out of his tummy. It looked like pretty much undigested breastmilk and so they decided that rather than putting another 19ml back in they would return the aspirate back to his tummy and then make up the rest of the 19ml with new milk. They did this and then waited till the next feed to see what would happen. At the next feed he was still holding milk in his belly so they did another tummy x-ray and found no obstruction (good news!) but still it was a mystery as to why he had stopped tolerating feeds again! Then, this evening he was very tachycardic (fast heart beat, up around 200bpm) so they have now begun to suspect that he too may be brewing some sort of infection or illness that would be affecting his heart rate and also his ability to digest his feeds. They have witheld any more feeds till the morning and are taking bloods at midnight tonight to check it all out!

Now for both of them - They had some tests done a few days after they were born and the tests have shown a "possibility" of a few complications. We are still unsure at this point what it all means and really don't want to go into it right now, other than to say it's another spanner in the works and a little more stress we could have done without! Once we know a little more I will edit this post and add the details, until then it's all speculation anyway!

Sorry this is a little bit factual tonight but I really can't go into the emotional side of it now, I feel far too drained to even go there. I know this is a temporary hiccup but it is extremely frustrating at the same time.

Marnie

Looking a little brighter....

2007-06-11T08:13:00.000+08:00

Just a real quick one before we head back up to the hospital! Max seems a little better this morning (according to the nurse who we rang this morning!) Through the night the initial results of the lumbar puncture and urine test came back all clear (no nasties!) and he didn't have any more apneas, brady's or desats since we left him last night so that is great news. He is still lethargic but the antibiotics are being pumped into him and there's a good chance that they are already taking care of whatever the problem was! We are still wasiting for the full cultures results from the bloods and lumbar puncture but at least there seems to be nothing really terrible and no worse (so it looks like no CPAP or ventilation!!)

I will update again tonight when I get home - maybe some more photos of my cherubs again too

oh - and BTW! Blake is doing fine!! He is still increasing his feeds (I think he is almost up to full feed amounts now!) and slowly gaining weight too - Way to go little man!!

Marnie

10/6/07 More on Max!

2007-06-11T00:13:00.000+08:00

OK, I really need to get to bed! It's after midnight but we have just got back from the hospital and I wanted to update while everything was still in my head....

Tonight when we went back up to PMH Max was much the same, if not little worse. I noticed straight away that his colour was different - he was not his usual little pink self, but looked rather pasty and washed out. He was also still extremely lethargic and floppy! I had rung the nursery earlier in the afternoon and had been told that he had had a few more desats and that his heart rate had also dipped a few times so they had started a course of antibiotics as a precautionary measure. The blood results had come back at that point at a normal level (so not really indicating an infection) but they decided to start antibiotics anyway. Tonight he was still clearly struggling with his breathing and had several bouts of apnea (where he stopped breathing for a short amount of time) while we watched. at the same time as this was happening his blood oxygen levels were dropping and his heart rate was also dropping (bradycardia). This was clearly concerning the nurses and they had to stimulate him a few times to make him respond and take another breath (not to mention how much it was concerning his mummy, who was now sitting by the cot side staring at his little chest with tears streaming down my face!!)

The nurses called the doctor to review him at this point and a lovely young female doctor came in to have a look. She watched him for a bit and then spoke with the nurses who were caring for him before she decided what would be done. A new set of bloods was ordered as she was certain that there was in infection somewhere and she explained to us that it can often take a few hours for it to show in the blood. She also said that when those results come back with a higher level it will confirm that Max has a bug of some sort and they will then complete a "sepsis screen" which includes further testing of a urine sample and also to perform a lumbar puncture on him to find out the exact type of infection and where it is in his little body. She said that it is important to identify the infection so that they can be sure that the antibiotics will be the right ones and that he will be given them for the right length of time to really take care of it.

So we waited the required time (about and hour and a half) before the blood results came back - earlier in the day the level was normal at 7 - tonight it was 37! Clearly an infection somewhere!! The next step was to organise a Lumbar puncture (which they were setting up for before we left! We decided not to hang around for that as we were told it can be quite upsetting and we really could not take much more tonight) the nurse said that it is likely he will get worse before he gets better and that there is a good chance that he will be transferred out of the nursery and back into the main NICU before the morning. She also said that if his breathing gets any worse that they will look at putting the CPAP back on him or even at the very worst case needing to ventilate him again.

So that is it, and that is where we are at. My poor baby boy looks so miserable and sick lying there struggling to breathe. I almost wish that they would put the CPAP back on so I didn't have to see him try so hard - he just looks exhausted :( I know on a logical level that this is just a temporary setback but it is still so hard to take. The boys were both doing so well and now poor little Max has to put up with this - it's just not fair on him. No little bub should have to go through what he is at the moment! It was not meant to be this way!! I should still be pregnant (I would be 33 weeks now) and those sweet little boys should be snuggled up together protected by me - not fighting off bugs that their systems are too immature to handle and lying metres away from each other in plastic boxes

OK, enough feeling sorry for myself.... I am off to bed for a restless night of attempted sleep! Thankyou so much to those people who have passed on supportive messages and offers of help - you know who you are and I love you all :)

Marnie

10/6/07 AAARRRRGGGGHHH!

2007-06-10T14:48:00.000+08:00

It's not fair!!!! I am feeling really sorry for myself today but I'm especially sorry for my beautiful little men who are stuck up there at that hospital in those plastic boxes with horrible needles and tubes being stuck in them all day long :( Today has not been a good day!! Poor little Max does not look well at all! I noticed when I first got there that his breathing seemed really erratic and then after a while the alarms on his monitors kept going off and showing that his oxygen saturation levels were dropping quite frequently. I had also noted that he seemed very very quiet and lethargic compared to yesterday (yesterday he was wriggling all over the isolette and squirming a lot, today he just lies there, even when you touch him he doesn't move. He was having trouble opeining his eyes and it all just seemed like too much hard work for him today - he looked very unhappy!)

The paed. came in and was checking him over - listened to his heart and lungs and said they sounded fine, then he asked me what I though of him today? I said that I thought he was very quiet and he agreed. He then said that maybe he was brewing up an infection or something and that he would order bloods and check it out before putting him on some anti-biotics again if necessary. The blood results should be back this afternoon. In the mean time they are witholding his feeds and waiting to see how he goes.

To top it off the big kids are going feral at home :( They are really starting to fight and play up with each other and are totally ignoring Dan and I when they are asked to do anything. I know they are feeling the stress of the house but I don't know how much more I can take!! I really lost it at them this morning when I was being ignored for the 100th time (Lachlan and Cody refusing to get dressed into the clothes I had laid out for them) and Niamh was screaming at me wanting me to pick her up. I needed her to climb onto the couch because I can't pick her up yet but she was just screaming and carrying on at me and would not do as I asked!! I feel like I should have stayed in bed and cried that I was in pain for a few more weeks, at least then people might realise that things are not "back to normal". I get so defensive and frustrted when people ask about how things are going.. it's like they only really want to hear "yeah, good thanks!" and they only really want to know if the babies are ok? Well, if they were OK they would be at home with me, wouldn't they???

Sorry - I am just feeling the need to vent a little today :( I will check back later with more news on Max!

Marnie

update 8/6/07

2007-06-08T20:40:00.001+08:00

This first photo is of Dan holding Max, the second one is Max wide awake and looking around at Mummy and Daddy and the third one is Blake fast asleep in his isolette.

We have just got home from the hospital and the boys are doing pretty well :) They have been put into the nursery up at PMH now (so out of the main room of the ICU) They still have all the same monitors on them but they have now got one nurse between four babies so obviously require a little less constant care. They seem to finally be tolerating their feeds and although it is a very slow process we are getting there. Max is now on 8ml and Blake is on 10ml and they are both increasing by 1ml every 8hrs. Today Max has gained 60g from yesterday's weight and is now 1850g and Blake has gained 55g since yesterday and now weighs 1700g.

Murdoch has been calling PMH and asking when the boys are coming back but as the nurses said to us tonight, the last thing we want is to push them to digest more food than their little bellies are ready for and cause them a problem so that they have to be transferred back again - that would be devastating! I would much rather keep progressing at a slow rate and keep it stable (although I would love for them to be back at Murdoch! Only half the distance and a lot less stressful!)

*sigh* it's just soooo hard to not be able to pick up my babes and cuddle them whenever I want :( It breaks my heart when I have to walk out of that room every night and leave my babies behind. I was so unprepared for the emotional journey that having my babies at 31 weeks would bring. I do recognize how lucky we are though and I know it could have been a thousand times worse.

6/6/07 update

2007-06-06T18:54:00.000+08:00

Here we are still plodding along and waiting for these boys of ours to start really digesting the EBM they are getting! At the moment Max is on 4ml every 2hrs and increasing by 1ml every 12 hours and Blake is on 6ml every 2hrs increasing every 12 hours. Max was doing really well at one point and was up to 12ml but then his tummy started getting distended and they had to withold some feeds and start again! It seems so frustrating but there is nothing that we can do about it! I am fast learning that these babies are on their own schedule and nothing we do will change how long it takes. I asked the nurse today what they are working towards in order to leave the NICU and was told that they will probably be looking for them to be taking full feeds and digesting them well for about a week. I then asked what a "full feed" was and was told that it is calculated on body weight and for Max it would be about 80ml at a feed!! I was reassured that it sounds worse than it may be and that they could take off and start taking larger increases soon. It will most likely still be a few weeks though. Once they master that they can be transferred to Murdoch again and begin to work on fattening up and learning to suck feed. That in itself could take another three or four weeks :(

It is so hard not being able to take my babies home. I get so sad thinking about them lying there in the isolettes all alone under the bright lights of the NICU. They are hooked up to IV's and monitors all over their little bodies and are pricked and prodded on a regular basis so that their little arms and feet are covered in dried blood and bruises. They cry and squirm each time bloods are taken and they look so sad. I often wonder if they think about their twin and wonder where they are. Today was the first day that I think they even got to see each other! I was allowed another double cuddle and this time I held them on a pillow side by side. Blake was wide awake and kept looking over at Max. After a while they had both snuggled down to sleep and looked so sweet next to each other - they finally looked content and relaxed! Max had been very squirmy all afternoon and as soon as he was placed on the pillow in my arms and next to Blake he settled down and slept for the whole hour that we had a cuddle - It makes me think that they must be missing each other and that would add to their stress, poor little men :(

I got to change a nappy for each of them yesterday too! It was certainly different to my previous experiences of newborn nappy changes. I had to put an arm through each port of the isolette and change nappies around all the wires and tubes! Max actually did a big meconium poo while I was changing him - YIPPEE! That's my boy!! that's what we need to get that digestive system working. Never before have I been so happy about a pooey nappy, LOL!

some photos

2007-06-05T11:48:00.001+08:00

the first photo is one Dan took of Max on the first night after they were admitted to PMH. The mask is the CPAP mask that helps to force their airways open and keep their lungs a little bit inflated so they don't have to work too hard.

The second photo is Blake being held by me on the 3.6.07 I like this shot as it gives some idea of the size of his little head!

The third shot is a shot of Max and Blake together (max on Left, Blake on right) taken on the day we got our first double cuddle (I think it was Friday 1st June, 07.

Two steps forward, one step back!

2007-06-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

I feel like we are progressing but very very slowly! Max and Blake are now both off IV anti biotics and no longer under the phototherapy lights so that is a plus - but they are both still having a little trouble with the feeds at the moment. Yesterday Max was seeming to tolerate them well and was up to 8ml at a time but today that has changed. This morning they got quite large aspirates back out of his naso-gastric tube and then again at lunch time they got another 9ml back out (not too good when he had already dropped back to 4ml at a feed!) so they decided to withold two feeds in a row and then were starting him again this evening (on 3ml this time). Blake was already having a little trouble yesterday so they were only slowly introducing them back to him today and he is still only being given small amounts at each feed. I guess tomorrow morning we should have a clearer idea of how they are coping again and if we are heading forwards or backwards!

I can't believe how many tears I have cried this week. I am trying to be brave and feel like I am forever telling myself to pull it together and stop crying. I know in my brain that all is going to be ok and I am so very very grateful for that but I still feel so emotionally shattered. If I don't think about it too hard and no one asks me how I am going or is too kind to me I can manage to keep going and not fall apart at the seams! It is just so hard to see my babies lying there under the bright lights of the NICU and knowing that I can't do anything for them - not even give them cuddles whenever I want to :( It also plays on my mind how very close we came to a tradgedy a week ago and how lucky we are that the doctor was brave enough to take the actions that he did and deliver them (against that hospitals protocol) at that gestation. I have heard that the word aroun the hospital is "geez, that doctor's got balls!" and I know from the comments that I have heard regarding the urgency of the situation that he was fully expecting that it was a chance at least one of those babies could have stopped breathing at any moment. I also know that in theory he should have put us in an ambulance to King Edward Memorial Hospital and wiped his hands of us as that would have been the "right thing to do" but in hindsight his quick actions (although terrifying at the time!) could very well have saved my babies lives!

I have a headache and it's now midnight - I am off to bed!

Marnie.

What a week!!!

2007-06-03T15:45:00.000+08:00

OMG!! What a week we have had! I will cut and paste from my birth story so as not to re-type it. I apologize in advance as it is rather long but I really found it useful to type it all out, like it helped me to process what had happened to me and to come to terms with it all.... so here it is....

Birth story of Max and Blake
28th May 2007
Max Kenneth – 4lb 2oz
Blake Daniel – 3lb 14 oz

Marnie : It was Monday morning and I was 31weeks and 2days pregnant with twin boys. By this stage I had had enough and was feeling really cheesed off with the whole pregnancy gig! I was huge and tired and not sleeping all that well so I had spent the night previous in and out of restless sleep and wishing that the pregnancy was over – I didn't know how close I was to getting that stupid wish!!

I headed off the the indoor playground (funstation, Rockingham) with Cody and Niamh after dropping Lachlan at school. I was meeting some friends (Teresa from EB and Shelley from EB and school) so at least I was looking forward to taking my mind off feeling sorry for myself. We met at 9.30am and the kids played together for a while. I was feeling ok and glad I had bothered to go out. Niamh was being her usual cheeky self and decided to run off up the big padded ladder to the big kids area. I called out to her to stop and of course she climbed faster, I jumped off my seat and followed her half way up the ladder where I caught her and said “no! You will fall and hurt yourself!!” I turned her around and held her in one arm facing outwards, half on my hip and half on my belly and started to walk back down the ladder. I am not sure what happened but the gravity shift with Niamh and my big belly out the front was enough to make me loose my balance and somehow my upper half went down the ladder faster than the rest of me! I stumbled and my feet hit the floor before I went down. I remember landing hard on the carpet with Niamh underneath me. My belly did come into contact with the floor but poor little Niamh kind of softende my fall too!

Apart from being incredibly embarrassed and upset that I might have hurt Niamh I was ok. After checking her all over I realised she was just frightened but ok, then I dropped my bundle and began to cry. My belly hurt a little with the fall but any pain soon subsided so I ignored it and went on with our play date. I sat there for another hour or so with my friends but I was really distracted and slightly worried that I may have done some damage to the babies. I could still feel them moving but I was slightly concerned.

Once we left the fun station I decided to call mum and tell her what had happened. She was concerned and told me to come over to her house so off we went. Once I had a chat to mum she convinced me to call the Dr (my Obstetrician) and just see what he said about it all. I don't usually like to make a fuss but I decided that I shouldn't argue so I made the call to Dr Greenland's room and spoke to the receptionist there. She went off to ask the Dr and then called me back to say that Dr. Greenland thought that I should just come up to the ward at the hospital and get checked to make sure all was ok. I was convinced that it was all a waste of time and I would be fine but I wanted the peace of mind so went on into St Mary's ward with Mum, Cody and Niamh in tow. In the driveway before we left I rang Dan at work and told him what had happened but not to worry – I was sure it was all fine and I would see him tonight!

We arrived at the ward and were taken to a room where the CTG monitors were put on my belly to trace the baby's heart rates. After about 40 mins on the machine it became obvious that twin 1 was getting stressed. His heart rate was low and kept on dipping in a cyclical manner and I could tell that the midwives were a bit concerned about it (even though they never actually voiced their concerns.) I was told that they would have to get the Dr to come over and have a look because it was a little bit worrying so at this point I am thinking – “oh-oh! , maybe I am going to have to get admitted for a while to be watched!” - how naïve am I??

Dr Greenland came over and had a look at the trace. After a few minutes of “hmmm-ing” while he looked he sat on the couch next to me, patted my leg and said “it would appear that baby is a bit pissed off!, I think you are going to have to have these babies!” He explained to me that baby 1 was stressed out and that we needed to get them out so that we could do something to help them. He also mentioned that usually at 31 weeks gestation they would put me in an ambulance to KEMH but that he didn't really want to take that risk because if something were to go wrong during the transfer they wouldn't be able to do anything about it en route!

It was at about this point that the phone rang and it was Dan wanting to check that all was ok with me and the bubs. It must have come as a huge shock to him when he asked “everything ok?” and I said “umm, I'm not sure, I'll call you back”. Overhearing the conversation, the midwife told me that Dan should come straight away. Not really knowing why, I told Dan he needed to come, so he dropped everything at work and left for the hospital. The next 20 mins or so are a bit of a blur in my head but I know I was given a consent form to sign (I wasn't even sure what I was consenting too, LOL! At that point I was still wondering if they were going to induce me, ha ha!) I was given a gown and told “change into that, you have two minutes!” I was put on a bed and they shaved me (ok, so now I realised I was having a ceaser!! Panic stations!! I didn't want a ceaser, I was afraid of that!! I was having a nice natural delivery just like my last three kids!!) There were people running everywhere getting changed into scrubs and calling things out to each other. I heard one midwife say to another in a really quiet voice “make sure there is lots of intubation equipment – we are going to need it!” OMG!! My heart was jumping out of my mouth – this was not supposed to happen this way!!

I had left my poor distraught mum standing with my two littlest in a pram and wondering what the hell to do. From what I gather she called Dad and Kim and they both came up to the hospital (Dad had collected Lachlan from school for us first!) They put the sides up on my bed and wheeled me off the theatre in a great hurry. There were people rushing everywhere and a feeling of stress and urgency in the air. As we were going into theatre the midwife pointed out the anesthatist and said “this is the man you speak to about previous epidural problems” he responded back “nope! We're not having one of those!, No time!” OK GREAT!! Now I am also getting a general!! I was really freaking out by now. The Dr commented to me afterwards that he heard my heart rate on the monitors and it was up around 190bpm!

I shuffled across onto the theatre table and lie there completely vulnerable while people stuck things on my chest, needles in my arms and a urinary catheter was inserted (all at the same time, I might add!) I was trying so hard to be brave but I was terrified! I tried to hold it all together and as I lie there with the mask over my face the last words I heard were “the husband is here now, can he come in for 2 secs?” and the answer that came “No! No time now, he'll have to wait”. I drifted off to sleep with a single tear running down my cheek.

When I awoke I was first aware of the feeling of choking. The tube was still down my throat and I was fighting against it and trying like mad to swallow. It felt like forever before it came out and I could breathe freely again, even though I think I wasn't actually fully conscious at that point I must have been aware enough to feel the tube in my throat. I slowly came around and remember lying in recovery with hot towells wrapped around my head and bright lights above me. I wanted to speak but wasn't able to get it out for ages. I kept thinking “what about my babies?” and finally I managed to croak out the words “my babies?” I was told they were doing fine and had gone off to the nursery. The next question I asked “is my husband with them?” to which I was told he was so I relaxed and decided to succumb to the pain relief drugs they were giving me.

While I was in recovery Dan was in the nursery with the babies. I will let him say what happened during that time:
Dan : Each of the bubs were attended to by a midwife who put the babies into their own isolette. They had a heart rate monitor and oxygen analyser attached to them. They're little heads and torsoes were put under the oxy domes. This time a radiographer and a portable x-ray machine were brought in and a series of chest x-rays were taken of TW1 and TW2.

Marnie : After I had recovered enough they wheeled me back to a room but we went via the nursery on the way. I saw Dan and he was looking awfully stressed – kinda like a deer caught in headlights! We saw the babies and they were in isolettes in the nursery, They looked ok to me but I really wasn't able to pay much attention. I put my hand in and stroked them on the legs but that was all I was able to do – there were no post birth cuddles for us :( Once back in the room Dad and Kim had arrived and Mum was still there with my kids. I couldn't really talk much and was a little doped out for the rest of the night.

After speaking to my three big kids for a little while in my room Mum and Dad took them home and Kim left Dan and I in the room for the night. The babies were in the nursery at Murdoch

Dan: The bubs were born at 3pm and i guess it was about 6pm when Dr Greenland came to see Marnz. He looked a little blank and apologised to Marnie, but explained that he didn't have a choice and was not prepared to leave the bubs in for a second longer than he had to. He said the peadiatrician that was in at the delivery, Dr Charlie Crompton, was assessing the bubs and there was a possiblilty that they would need to be tranfered to PMH. If they were transferred Marnie would have to stay at Murdoch. About half an hour later Dr Crompton came around and explained that TW2 was struggling to breath due to his immature lungs and he had called the WANTS (Western Australian Neonatal Transport Service) team to come and take TW2 to PMH. The WANTS team comprised of one ambulance, 2 ambos, one specialist doctor and two nurses. While they were here they would also assess TW1, who was doing marginally better, and decide if he also needed to be tranferred. By 7pm we were informed that the WANTS team had arrived and they would be quite a while assessing the bubs and preparing them for transport to PMH. Marnie's midwife for the night took me into see the bubs while the WANTS team was working on them. They didn't let me see too much but I spoke the doctor attending them and she explained that both the bubs would be tranferred that night. By 10pm we were told that they were leaving, so they wheeled Marnie's bed out into the coridor to see the bubs. Her view was very limited as the twins were in a specially designed stretcher and Marnie was very sore from the C-section. Time was critical and the bubs were taken away. After sitting with Marnz for another half hour or so I decided to head up to PMH to put both of our minds at some sort of ease. From Murdoch I headed home (20 min south) and grabbed Marnie's hospital suit case before heading up to PMH (40 min north from home). I arrived at PMH at about midmight and made my way to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), by now the bubs were on seperate resuss tables and both had a tubes down their throats and were on ventilators. Over the next half hour or so, another set of x-rays were taken as well as a heap of blood tests and other drips and tubes were attached/inserted. I had managed to take some photos of the bubs to take back to Marnz. One of the midwives asked if I wanted to go for a coffee as they were about to put the surfectant into TW2 and it was something I wouldn't want to see. I felt torn and wanted to get back to Marnz so I left then, which was about 12:45am.

Marnie : That whole first night was a blur to me. I don't really remember specifics. I know the WANTS team came, that the babies were assessed and taken and that at some point Dan went up to PMH to see them but I really don't remember the night at all. I think I was dozing most of the night and had the help of self administered pain relief (push the button when you want more drugs!) to stay relaxed!

On Tuesday morning Dan decided to go back into work to tie up a few loose ends and let them know what was going on. He left me at about 6.45am and headed off for a few hours. While he was gone the midwife came in and removed my catheter, PCA (the self administered drugs!), the drip and bung and then she helped me to get up and have a shower. I was very sore and stiff but glad to be out of the bed. They then asked me if I wanted to be shifted to a double bed room and that was organised. By the time Dan had been into work and then back to PMH to check on the boys I was settled into my new room and waiting on news of their progress. Both boys had been taken off the ventilators and were on the CPAP machines but were both breathing air only. They seemed to be doing quite well considering the rough start they had been given.

Wednesday I was feeling up to making a trip to PMH myself to see my babies properly for the first time. I got up and showered early and we prepared to leave. The Dr came in on his rounds again and we had a little chat and went over the same things – the fact that it was unfortunate but necessary, that we will never know if the fall was the cause of the distress or even if it was a lucky coincidence that I did fall over because a problem was brewing that we were unaware of (the Dr seems to think this is highly likely!) I shuffled off slowly downstairs and Dan fetched the car. I was trying to be really brave and hold it together but it was all very overwhelming and when we entered the NICU for the first time I was feeling very emotional. I started crying and dropped my bundle for a little bit! The nurses got me a wheelchair to sit in and once I had calmed down a little we went around to where the babies were. Seeing them for the first time was very surreal. I remember feeling like they didn't really belong to me, I didn't know them. There were these two tiny little babies lying there with tubes and drips all over them and it was not meant to be this way – they were still meant to be in my belly and this nightmare was not meant to be happening!!

We stayed for a while and I reached in and stroked their arms and legs a few times but that was all the contact I had with them that day. I felt very disconnected and extremely stressed. The rest of that afternoon was spent back at Murdoch hospital. The trip in the morning really took it out of me and I needed to rest. Dan went home for a shower and a shave and he picked Lachlan up from school. After collecting Lachie Dan came back up the hospital and Mum and Kim came in with Niamh and Cody for a visit (I hadn't seen them since Monday, and I wasn't really with it then!) The kids seemed to be coping really well staying with mum and dad and it was nice to see them but the noise levels always rise when they come to visit, as do my stress levels so they didn't stay for too long. Kim, Mum and Dan had arranged to take the kids up to the hospital to meet their little brothers for the first time so everyone left my room to go to PMH and take shifts in taking the kids in to see the bubs. That was also the day we decided to name the babies (we thought it was about time, LOL!) We decided that Twin 1 would be named Max (it was later decided he would be Max Kenneth) and that Twin 2 would be Blake Daniel.

Thursday morning Dan and I got ready and went off to PMH again to see our little boys. This was the first day that I actually got to hold them (individually) and the first time that I started to feel a real connection to them. It is so hard to feel involved when you can't touch and kiss your babies, you are not responsible for feeding them or changing them.....none of their basic care is in your hands and I had really been feeling like they weren't mine. I held Max first and Dan took lots of photos and video, then after a while we switched over and I also got to hold Blake. Once they were in my arms I realised just how small they are and how different they felt to my other babies when they were born, but I also felt like they “belonged”. They were my babies and they really felt like ours.

Thursday night was Alan and Janettes turn (MIL and FIL) to meet the babies so after the afternoon was spent resting at the hospital Alan and Janette popped in to see me before Dan took them up to PMH.

Friday I was feeling like I hadn't had a chance to even speak to my mum yet! She had stepped up and taken care of the kids pretty much constantly since Monday afternoon on her own and I am so greatful for how much she has done for us. She was bound to be feeling tired by now and I know how much she would have liked the chance to talk to me and kind of de-brief about all that had happened (I also really needed that myself! I am really close to mum and share everything with her so I really needed her too that day!) Dan arranged to take over the care of the kids for that day so Mum took Lachie to school and then Dan went to Mums house to pick up Cody and Niamh and take Cody to his swimming lessons. That left mum and dad free to come in and spend some time with me. Since they couldn't get here early Kim came and sat with me for the morning and it was nice to have her there as I was feeling really really emotional! My milk had started to come in and I was just feeling very teary and sorry for myself. I think the whole experience was finally starting to hit me and I was still trying to process the events of the past few days. Mum and Dad came up by about 10.30 and we all sat and chatted for a while in my room. After a while we started to talk about the need for a breast pump as I will be pumping and taking milk to the babies at PMH and then finally back to Murdoch when they are able to be transferred again. We researched the options for a while and decided that it was better in the long run to actually buy a new pump ($507 later!) and have it to use for as long as I like and then be able to sell it at a later date second hand. Some phone calls were made and we found the pump I was after at the chemist at Gateways so I got them to hold it for me and we finally had that issue sorted out!

By about 1.00pm Mum, Dad and I were ready to head up to PMH to see the babies (Dad hadn't seen them yet) So we parted ways with Kim and Dad fetched the car for me. This was my really low day and I was in tears for practically the whole day!! From the time we arrived at PMH to the time I went to sleep that night I don't think there was a minute that my eyes weren't leaking tears!! The babies had gone a little backwards as they were not tolerating their feeds very well and it was upsetting their tummies. The nurses said there was no point in pushing it as sometimes if they are pushed they can actually develop other problems (sometimes requiring surgeries etc..) On the plus side they were spending more time off the CPAP than on. All in all they were doing well and still progressing, it's just a very slow process and there is no timetable for it – it's all up to the babies and how they respond.

I spent a teary afternoon back in my room in the company of mum and dad (who were looking like they could do with a good cry themselves at this point!) but I know mum was really worried about me and she managed to talk me into getting Dan to change his plans for the night and come back in to be with me. The original plan was that Dan would spend some time with the kids and let them watch the big brother friday night games that they love! They like to sleep in the lounge and eat popcorn so we thought that it would be nice for them to do that with Dan since the poor little buggers had hardly seen him all week! Still... I was an emotional wreck and it was decided that I really needed him here with me so Mum and Dad arranged to sleep at our house and Dan would set the kids up and spend some time with them as planned before coming in to see me. Kim and Tom and their three kids came in to keep me company while I was waiting for Dan and it really helped to keep my mind off the misery I was feeling. When Dan came in later that night it was so nice just to know that I was not alone and that he was going to be there with me. We had a talk and a cry together and shared how we were feeling, we ate chocolate to cheer ourselves up then both fell into an exhausted sleep while watching a DVD together!

Saturday morning – we went back up to PMH early to see how the boys were getting on. I was feeling much brighter and more positive and to my delight was told that I would be able to have a double cuddle for the first time :) After the nurses sorted a few things and the Drs did their rounds we were set up in a comfy chair and the bubs were handed to me, first Max in one arm and then Blake! It was so nice to finally see what it felt like to hold them both and to have them together. Dan again took lots of photos and video and I relaxed back in the chair and enjoyed my cuddle. After a while I surrendered them to Dan and he had a turn but eventually they had to go back under the lights for their jaundice so after a few quick photos were taken of them side by side we handed them back to the nurses and then headed downstairs for a chat and something to drink. We went back up to say goodbye to Blake and Max before we left and the nurse told us that they would be trying them on milk again from the afternoon and see how they go. We rang that night to check on them and were told that Blake was on 2ml every three hours and was going really well, they were going to increase it to 4ml at the next feed! Max was still going ok on 2ml but they had not yet decided to increase his feeds.

So that brings us to now! I am very happy at the latest news of the feeding progress and am feeling very tired but quite relaxed. I have decided to go home tomorrow morning so we will be checking out of Hotel Murdoch by 10am tomorrow and then back off to PMH to see my little cherubs once more before going home to see my big babies (who I have missed incredibly, and am looking forward to being reunited with!)

3/6/07

Today I was discharged from SJOGH Murdoch. We got up early and packed up my room so that as soon as the midwife had seen me one final time we could leave. We headed into PMH before coming home and sat with the babies till about lunch time. Max and Blake aredoing quite well now. They are both stable off the CPAP and breathing well on their own. They have also started feeding them again and Max seems to be tolerating it well so he was going up to 4 ml every 3 hours this afternoon. Blake doesn't seem to be digesting his quite so well for some reason so they stopped feeding him for a little while and ordered some tummy x-rays. The X-rays came back and didn't actually show any reaso why he might have been having troubles so they were going to leave it 4 hours and then try 2mls again this afternoon. We got to have a cuddle of Blake but Max was under lights and the nurses were too busy at the time so we never got to hold little Max. It's so hard to believe that tomorrow my babies will be a week old and I have only held Max twice and Blake three times for a total of about 20 mins. It makes me feel sad when I think about them lying there in that hospital with so many strangers around them and they are not even in the same cot together. They must wonder where their brother has gone! I have also noticed that whenever I am by their bedside and I speak they seem to open their eyes and look for me – maybe my voice is familiar to them? I like to think it might give them some sort of comfort anyway.

ETA: The photos at the top of this post are:
1) Marnie having the first double cuddle 2.6.07
2) Blake
3) Max
4) Blake
5) Max
6) Blake

my latest scrap LO

2007-05-04T20:41:00.000+08:00

I finally got around to doing some more scrapping! I have seriously done NOTHING in over 12 months and I have missed it!! I am determined to do some regular scrapping from now on and catch up on some of my older photos - it will also help to take my mind off my pregnancy and stop me from feeling sorry for myself!

This layout was done using some old photos of Cody, he was about one at the time. I love how cheeky and cute he looks in them - they are so true of Cody! He is my free spirited child and at times is hard to manage but I love his cheeky personality and the way he cannot be suppressed in his enthusiasm for life - I hope he always keeps that spunk!

how much longer??

2007-05-04T20:34:00.000+08:00

I am really starting to suffer with this pregnancy now. I am trying to keep a positive mindset but these last two days have been difficult! By the evening my belly is so sore and tight and I literally feel like I am about to split open. I am pretty sure that my abdominal muscles are seperating because the pain that I feel around my belly button can best be described as a tender sore spot that feels like it is tearing or pulling beneath the skin but it hurts from the outside - it's really weird!! I know it will all be worth it when I finally have these babies in my arms but for now I need to try and focus on the positives and cook these bubbas for another 10 weeks! I'll have to do another belly shot very soon too. I am 28 weeks tomorrow and Dan thinks that my belly is now larger than it was with Lachlan (my largest belly so far!!) Aaaah the joys!!

The nursery nears completion

2007-04-29T11:34:00.000+08:00

Here are the latest photos taken of the babies room. We have almost finished decorating it - the only things left are a valance and side curtains for the window (If we can find the right material!!) We have ordered the pram, an Adventure Buggy "Everest twin" with a double toddler seat on top (should be leaving the factory in New Zealand on Monday) so we are looking forward to seeing that! I have washed all the cloth newborn nappies (photos to come! promise!!) and still have to wash all the baby clothes but otherwise I feel like I am slowly getting organised. It's an exciting time but I try not to let myself get too caught up in the whole "how will I manage" thoughts... I am going to have to try and take it one day at a time I think, :)

Plodding along

2007-04-29T11:21:00.000+08:00

Well, here I am at 27 weeks pregnant with Twins - feeling absolutely huge and knowing that I have sooooo far to go! It feels like I can't focus on anything at the moment as my brain flits from one thing to another - doctors appointments, babies, nurseries, cloth nappies, what I still have to buy, things I need to do around the house.... the list goes on! We will get there in the end I am sure but right now everything is a bit of a shambles!

Here is the last belly shot I had taken at 25 weeks and one day - I really need to do another one becasuse I think I have grown even more since then!