I'm not having such a good day today, and I don't think this weather is really helping. It's bleak and windy and miserable! I am feeling very raw today for some reason... some days I think I have it under control and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks. I burst into tears at the drop of a hat and am very cranky and miserable. My poor kids don't know what they have done wrong and I am just no fun to be around... the hurt is too great and I wonder if I will forever walk around feeling like a huge part of me is missing? I wonder if there will come a day where an hour will pass that I don't think of calling mum for a chat about this or some advice about that... I wonder if I will ever stop feeling so incredibly alone and if I will make it out the other side of this fog I am living in. If I will some day answer people when they ask the usual old 'how are you?' with my standard "I'm good, thanks!" and it will actually be the truth? I know it's only been a few weeks but my gut feeling is that..no!...these things will not really change, that I will forever live in a different world now, without my best friend... without my mum....
M.
Monday 29 June 2009
Sunday 28 June 2009
What's been going on??
It has been THE most horrendous year on record for us. I thought it was about time that I checked back in and updated my blog though...
As I said in my last post, Mum was diagnosed with cancer at christmas time last year. We knew from the beginning that it wasn't likely to have a fairy tale ending, it was Melanoma - the same type of cancer she had when I was only 12 years old. The whole way through her illness mum was so brave and strong. I was constantly surprised by her positive attitude. She kept on saying that she would never have changed a single thing about her life and that she felt blessed. To be honest, I struggled to be so positive, I still do! but that was just mum's way, right to the end she was more worried about all of us and how we would handle her death than she was concerned for herself!
On the 29th of May, the day after the twins' 2nd birthday mum passed away at the Murdoch Community Hospice. I have spent every day since trying to learn to live without her. My heart still feels like there is a great gaping hole, I don't think that's ever going to go away but maybe I will learn to live with it... in time....
Then, as if that wasn't enough heartache, my MIL is also very very sick. It's not my place to talk freely about her personal situation on the WWW but the reality is that she is now in palliative care - anyone who knows cancer knows what that means...
The reality of having 6 kids aged 7 and under has really hit us. I know that we would be handling things a whole lot better at the moment if we weren't under so much other stress, but life feels pretty sucky right now :( I thought things sucked when the twins were born, but at least that had a happy ending... right now I am just hoping that we can make our way out the other side of all this and still find something to smile about.
God... what a depressing post!! OK, just to lighten the mood a little...
The twins turned 2! They are such big boys now and getting so clever. They have a tonne of words and they are so funny to watch together! It never ceases to amaze me how aware of each other they are (don't get me wrong, they love to fight, but they ALWAYS know where the other one is and they are considerate of sharing with each other - if there is two of an item one will take them both and then run through the house calling "Maaaaax" or "Blaaaake" and looking for his twin to share - so so cute!)
Lachlan is trying really hard at school and we have taken him to a Paed. about his learning difficulties. He has a fantastic teacher this year that is helping us sort it out and we are now waiting for an appointment in September for some testing to determine exactly what his issues are.. at least we are on track! I am really hopeful that we will get this sorted this year and work towards helping him catch up to his peers in his school work!
Niamh is a funny little three year old, she has such an attitude at times but she is a lot like me as a kid, so I find that I tend to understand her more than a lot of people and accept her little quirks as being something that she just can't help. She is a sweet kid...very confident with herself, but also a little reserved in public situations and a bit of a 'ten tonne canary' at other times (just like mum and dad used to call me!)
Cody is a funny boy, he is doing really really well with his hearing aid and hasn't missed a beat! His school teachers are constantly telling me how bright he is and he is bringing home reading books that are beyond his age, by far! He is like a little sponge and loves to learn facts of all sorts. He is also quite confident and sure of himself - I hope he doesn't lose that quality as I know it will help him get far in life!
Isla is gorgeous! She is almost 7 months and just starting to babble "dadadadadadad" so cute! She has a gorgeous cheeky grin that she shares with anyone who will look at her. I call her my velcro baby as she has not really left my hip this past 6 months (for obvious reasons) but she is no trouble. She is not fussy or difficult and just seems to adapt to whatever is required of her!
We are also planning (again) on moving in with Dad and building on that block that we have had for ages now! The plans went out the window when mum got sick, but in her final weeks she asked me several times if I would still consider going ahead after she is gone. At first I didn't want to think about it, but now I know that she was really happy for us to do it, and I know it would help both Me and Dad out a lot to be there for each other over the next year or so. I am also really looking forward to being able to build the house that we have dreamed about on the block big enough for our large family - maybe that's the thing I can look forward to in the future!
Anyway.. this could go on forever but that's generally what has been happening around here. I will get back in and update with some more photos in the next few weeks - the kids have changed a lot so it must be long overdue!
M.
As I said in my last post, Mum was diagnosed with cancer at christmas time last year. We knew from the beginning that it wasn't likely to have a fairy tale ending, it was Melanoma - the same type of cancer she had when I was only 12 years old. The whole way through her illness mum was so brave and strong. I was constantly surprised by her positive attitude. She kept on saying that she would never have changed a single thing about her life and that she felt blessed. To be honest, I struggled to be so positive, I still do! but that was just mum's way, right to the end she was more worried about all of us and how we would handle her death than she was concerned for herself!
On the 29th of May, the day after the twins' 2nd birthday mum passed away at the Murdoch Community Hospice. I have spent every day since trying to learn to live without her. My heart still feels like there is a great gaping hole, I don't think that's ever going to go away but maybe I will learn to live with it... in time....
Then, as if that wasn't enough heartache, my MIL is also very very sick. It's not my place to talk freely about her personal situation on the WWW but the reality is that she is now in palliative care - anyone who knows cancer knows what that means...
The reality of having 6 kids aged 7 and under has really hit us. I know that we would be handling things a whole lot better at the moment if we weren't under so much other stress, but life feels pretty sucky right now :( I thought things sucked when the twins were born, but at least that had a happy ending... right now I am just hoping that we can make our way out the other side of all this and still find something to smile about.
God... what a depressing post!! OK, just to lighten the mood a little...
The twins turned 2! They are such big boys now and getting so clever. They have a tonne of words and they are so funny to watch together! It never ceases to amaze me how aware of each other they are (don't get me wrong, they love to fight, but they ALWAYS know where the other one is and they are considerate of sharing with each other - if there is two of an item one will take them both and then run through the house calling "Maaaaax" or "Blaaaake" and looking for his twin to share - so so cute!)
Lachlan is trying really hard at school and we have taken him to a Paed. about his learning difficulties. He has a fantastic teacher this year that is helping us sort it out and we are now waiting for an appointment in September for some testing to determine exactly what his issues are.. at least we are on track! I am really hopeful that we will get this sorted this year and work towards helping him catch up to his peers in his school work!
Niamh is a funny little three year old, she has such an attitude at times but she is a lot like me as a kid, so I find that I tend to understand her more than a lot of people and accept her little quirks as being something that she just can't help. She is a sweet kid...very confident with herself, but also a little reserved in public situations and a bit of a 'ten tonne canary' at other times (just like mum and dad used to call me!)
Cody is a funny boy, he is doing really really well with his hearing aid and hasn't missed a beat! His school teachers are constantly telling me how bright he is and he is bringing home reading books that are beyond his age, by far! He is like a little sponge and loves to learn facts of all sorts. He is also quite confident and sure of himself - I hope he doesn't lose that quality as I know it will help him get far in life!
Isla is gorgeous! She is almost 7 months and just starting to babble "dadadadadadad" so cute! She has a gorgeous cheeky grin that she shares with anyone who will look at her. I call her my velcro baby as she has not really left my hip this past 6 months (for obvious reasons) but she is no trouble. She is not fussy or difficult and just seems to adapt to whatever is required of her!
We are also planning (again) on moving in with Dad and building on that block that we have had for ages now! The plans went out the window when mum got sick, but in her final weeks she asked me several times if I would still consider going ahead after she is gone. At first I didn't want to think about it, but now I know that she was really happy for us to do it, and I know it would help both Me and Dad out a lot to be there for each other over the next year or so. I am also really looking forward to being able to build the house that we have dreamed about on the block big enough for our large family - maybe that's the thing I can look forward to in the future!
Anyway.. this could go on forever but that's generally what has been happening around here. I will get back in and update with some more photos in the next few weeks - the kids have changed a lot so it must be long overdue!
M.
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