it's been a while...

It's been a while since I've been here! It's been a very tough year, my toughest so far. I've learnt a lot of things this past year and have grown a lot as a person. I have been in a very dark place and am now starting to come out the other side. It's a process and one that I have been working very hard on but I really feel proud to say that the world is starting to look a lot brighter to me these days.

I struggled with myself for a long time before I admitted that I needed help but when I finally found a good GP and confided in her I can honestly say that my healing began. She started me on anti depressants (another thing I swore I would never 'give in' to - as if being on them was somehow admitting defeat!) and I have also been seeing a fantastic Psychologist who has helped me challenge a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs and accept a new reality for myself and my family.

I have been making an effort to get out there and have a social life - both with the kids and on my own and I think we are all happier for it. I have also realized that my belief that I should be able to 'do it all on my own' is neither helpful or true. I often worry too much about what others think of me and have had the impression before that people think that 'she had all those kids, she should be able to handle it all on her own and not need any help' I have come to realize with the help of my counsellor that I should not be worrying so much about what other people think and should be concentrating on looking after myself so that I can look after my family the way I want to and the way they deserve! Everyone has their own 'issues' and often others opinions of me and my family are a direct reflection of their own problems.

The in-home care thing didn't really work out for us but I have now got the little three in daycare two days a week at different family day care homes. They seem to love it and are more than happy to go and play with other little kids and it gives me a chance to do all those Drs appointments, kids appointments and various errands as well as all the housework that is always waiting... and yes... even spend a little guilt free time for myself!

Now that I am underway in the process of caring for my mind... it's time I started thinking about my body. For the last year I have been trying to eat away my feelings. I feel sad.. I eat! I feel trapped in my life... I eat! I feel fat... I eat! clearly, it's not really working for me. I have gained 10 kilos and now it's time to shift it again and start to feel better on the outside and the inside. I have hired a treadmill again and I am determined to attempt at least 30 mins of exercise every day. I have also signed up for weight watchers online in an attempt to track what I am eating and keep myself honest. I will also try to update here on a weekly basis as another method to keep me on track!


So here we go...onward and upward from here!

M.
xx