As I sit here late at night (Yes, I should be in bed!!) my mind once again drifts to my Mum and how much I miss her. I am left wondering... does it ever get easier? It's been two years now and I guess in a way it is easier.. I no longer feel like I am in denial about her being gone... nor am I begging the universe to do me a deal and bring her back... but it hurts. It hurts every time I think about her. Every time my kids do something amazing, or funny, or they are sick or hurt themselves... the first thing I think of is... I want to pick up the phone and call Mum! She was really my best friend. She was the one I turned to every time anything at all happened in my life. She was my main support but more than that she was my friend. I cared about all the little details of what was going on with her and I know she cared about all the same things in my life.. unconditionally! I feel like as time goes on I am forgetting the little things.. what she smelled like, all the tiny details, what it felt like to hug her.... I remember in the last month or so of her life when I was still in a bit of denial and Mum stood in my kitchen with her arms around me supporting me and telling me that I was going to be ok!! I would give anything to feel that hug again :'(
It feels like 2 years on I shouldn't still be thinking these things. Like I shouldn't be expressing them because the world has moved on and the accepted 'period of mourning' is over. I don't feel like people really want to be reminded of such sad thoughts and so I just keep them to myself.... and occasionally when it gets too much I spill them out in a forum such as this.
M
xx
PS: I'll come back tomorrow and update with general news of our life when I am feeling a little more cheery!
2 comments:
Oh hun I cant begin to understand what its like not to be able to call your mum when something happens that you just want to let her know.
Im sure she is there when it happens even though its no comfort to you not having her in spirit is not the same as having her there.
I just wanted to send you some hugs. xoxoxox
Hey, cheer up, will ya!! You sound like my wife, chasing around, drug out, sleepy. ugh. Know how you feel. You got Roger here, cowboy in Tucson, Arizona. I can tell you, this will pass, things do get better. Had the same thing happen to me and ours. Girls now in their forties. Here's what you can expect (I think)...they want the keys to the car, borrow twenty bucks, gone on the w/ends, college, then bamo, they're gone. Haven't seen mind in two years. Now, you're in Australia, right? I visualize you living in something like Quigley down under, or Croc Dundee...I know, I know, I'm way off, right? House, kids, two cars, neighborhood watch. I dunno. I'm guessing. Go get some sleep,, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT.
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