more of the same...

I still have a thumping headache...

I have still been yelling at the kids all morning

they have still been screaming screeching and totally ignoring everything I say to them....

Sometimes I truly think that these are not children I am raising but wild animals....

*sigh* at least it's the weekend and come 5 o'clock there will be two sets of hands on duty. Bring on the weekend and a good stiff drink!

A bit better today...

Thankyou to my gorgeous family members who were concerned about me.. I seriously didn't think anyone read this blog any more - oops! I have had a long phone conversation with my cousin (who is more like a sister to me) and I feel ok. I am not better but I am going to be ok so don't worry peeps ;) I promise I won't do anything stupid and I will struggle on until life gets easier... it has to one day soon..... right?? (LOL, I've kind of been saying that for four years now - one day it will come true!)

There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I can't do anything to fix and I think that is the most frustrating part. Top that off with the stress I feel all the time and I am bound to have some down days... I'll be ok.

I am worried about the kids and I feel like I am not doing a good enough job with them but I am doing my best and will continue to do my best for them as long as I am their mum.. that's all I can do.

I'm a bit surprised by the emotional week I have had.. I really thought I had it all under control and I was on the up, but I guess it all just snuck up on me again... I will keep taking my medications and I promise that if I don't improve I will make another Dr appointment before it gets out of hand again ;)

Thanks again, I do know I have family that love and care for me.. I just feel like I am doing a two person (at least) job all alone and it's a bit tricky at times, once again... I'll be ok! xxx

A really bad day :(

The words to Katy Perry's song Firework have been going through my head all day "Do you ever feel, already buried deep, 6 feet under, scream but no one seems to hear a thing?"

I feel like all I ever do online is whinge and complain but the truth of the matter is that no one is listening! I doubt anyone is even reading my blog any more... so here I go because if I don't get this out it just might eat me alive! It might be irrational and emotional and it might not even make any sense in parts but it is how I am feeling and right now that is scary :(

I don't like my life at all at the moment. In fact I go so far as to say I hate my life. I feel like a failure at parenting because I have an extremely short fuse and spend all my time screaming profanities at my children. I am one of 'those' mothers. I hate who I have become and today I have even been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I get so mad that I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins and I can hardly control my temper. Often I am driving at the time and thoughts flash through my mind of driving into the nearest tree with me and whatever kids are on board the bus at the time.

The level of stress that I live with is unbelievable. If I don't die from a heart attack or stress related disease before I am 40 I will be really really surprised. That means that the kids also live with that stress. There is so much screaming and fighting and threats of abuse in our house it's not funny and this is not once in a while... this is a daily occurrence... more than daily... all day long actually! It is not healthy for anyone and I hate the way the kids are growing up with it . They are becoming angry aggressive screaming little balls of stress.

I am so ashamed that this is the kind of mum that I have become. I am failing my family and especially my kids on so many levels :( I am embarrassed to admit that I feel like I made a huge mistake. I had too many kids and I can't physically or emotionally handle parenting them all. There is just not enough of me to go around. I am impatient, cranky and angry instead of the loving kind and nurturing mother that I always thought I would be. They all have their own unique problems and issues that need my attention and I feel like I just can't give them what they need. That kills me inside, almost as much as knowing that they are growing up and will remember that their mum constantly says that she hates being their mother, that she hates her life and that she wants to run away and never come back... how bad is that? I am truly damaging them forever right now and I just don't know how to stop it.

Our stress is totally added to by the financial issues are are facing. We are STILL trying to sell our Baldivis house and we just don't have enough money to make ends meet at the moment. We can't even afford to pay the bills and living expenses let alone any money for me to get some help with cleaning or the kids (daycare or nanny etc..) or for me to spend on exercise activities for myself to try and get my mind in the right place. SO I feel like we have made another mistake by shifting here and stretching ourselves so badly. We have now backed ourselves into a corner because we can't sell either place (the market is so bad) and we are stuck here hoping for a miracle :(

Of course I still feel lonely. Funny how a mother of 6 can feel lonely... but I do. I am all alone. I have no one to talk to and no one that really gives a crap (except Dan but he is busy trying to tread water just like me). I miss my Mum. If she were here I know she would care and I know she would try to help me out - truth is if she were here I probably wouldn't be like this.

So there you have it... the ugly truth! Now I will hop back into my shell and plaster on my brave face so I can face the world again tomorrow and try to pretend like everything is fine. I am sure I will feel better again in a few days.. not totally fixed because these issues have been plagueing me for the last 4 years but I will bounce back enough to carry on - I have to! I am Mum. (for what that's worth).

A quiet day at home...

Today I am spending a quiet day at home with the four youngest while Dan is with Lachlan at Go Karting and Cody has gone along to watch for the day. So far it's midday and all I have managed is to have a shower and get dressed...ooops! LOL! There is a lot of housework to be done but I am procrastinating and spending time on the computer so thought I would do a quick blog post before actually achieving anything today :)

I've had a busy weekend so far! Friday night I went out to Carousel with some girlfriends for Dinner and a few drinks so that made a nice change - it was great to go out and let my hair down a bit! Got home around midnight so not too late but still managed to drink a nice amount of white wine and feel it's effects the next morning ;)

Saturday I got up and took Niamh to Ballet (Isla came with me) then rushed to the shops for presents, wrapping paper and a few essentials. Back to Ballet to pick up Niamh and then straight to her little friend Katie's house for a birthday party. After the party finished we went to Rockingham City as I didn't have any clothes to wear Saturday night for Taylah's Confirmation. Home after shopping and got ready to go out to church. Niamh came with me in the evening and after Mass we went back to Kim and Tom's for supper and to give Taylah her presents. Finally got back home around midnight again!!

So all in all nothing too exciting but still a busy weekend.... story of my life really!

I've been feeling really uncomfortable with myself lately so I am also sitting here reflecting. I need to lose weight. Plain and simple!! I am the biggest I have ever been at the moment and I hate it!! I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel and I am just not happy! I know I can do something about it but my main issue is that when I am trying to lose weight I am most motivated when I can exercise aswell. I am finding that with a lack of funds for gym memberships or hiring equipment that is almost impossible :( Winter weather is here and I am always with the kids so there is no other real way of getting anything done and when I don't exercise my mind just isn't in the right place... unfortunately I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person.

Another thing that has been bothering me is finances.... We are having a real tough time at the moment for the first time in about 10 years and it's not a nice feeling. We have had our Baldivis house on the market for about 7 months and it is just not selling. We have now dropped the price three times and we are at the lowest point we can possibly sell it for... I am just praying that it sells soon :( I love living on our 5 acres but there are so many things that I want to change about the house.. unfortunately for now that is just a Lotto dream and I don't ever see us being able to do those things unless life changes drastically. Right now I would settle with being able to pay bills and occasionally having enough money to go somewhere on the weekends with my husband and kids.

I know I shouldn't complain though... I am blessed with a healthy happy family and that is all that really matters. We have what we need... a roof over our heads and food on the table. Clothes on our backs and love for each other <3 I am sure that things will change financially for us... we just have to hang in there and stick it out.

Oh well... I've got a little girl here who is desperate for me to do puzzles and board games with her so I had better go and do the mummy thing. Next time I will try to add some more photos of our 'new' house and the kids.

M
xx

A quick photo from the weekend :)

It's almost the middle of the year! Ooops!

I know I said I would be back and update... but here we are in June and I haven't kept my promise! I doubt anybody still reads my blog anyway but I like to be able to look back on it myself and see how far we have come and how things have changed!

SO what have we been up to?

The twins have settled right in to Kindy and are loving being at school. They do every Tuesday and every Thursday and then every alternate Friday. At the moment they are still very demanding and I find myself more often than not wondering when they are going to grow up. I know that sounds horrible and I am not wishing their childhood away, rather their insane need to throw a tantrum over the smallest irrational things.... climbing into car seats on their own... getting the right colour cup or bowl... having their sandwiches cut in whichever manner they deem necessary on that particular day... you know the kind of thing I am talking about - it's enough to drive anyone mental!!

Isla is now two and a half and no longer a little baby. She is a big girl and hardly ever uses a pram any more. She sleeps in a big bed and sits on a proper kids dining chair... no more babies for me! It's a weird feeling.. I have done babies so intensely for so many years that I am nervous about what lies ahead. Isla is turning into a gorgeous little girl though <3 She is totally obsessed with 'the Fairies' and dressing up as a fairy. All she wears all day long are various fairy dresses and wings and watches 'The Fairies' DVD's on continuous loop when I let her! She has started doing 'Fairy Dancing' at the local fairies shop in Rockingham and is LOVING every minute of it - so cute!! She is a pretty easy going kid and doesn't require a lot of attention but at the same time she surely lets you know when she is not happy or she wants something, LOL!

Niamh is in Pre Primary and going well. She is enjoying school and does Dancing twice a week at Betty Bentley Dance Academy in Port Kennedy, which she really really enjoys! Lachlan and Cody are also doing really well. They are year 4 and year 2 respectively. Lachlan is still struggling academically but we are working hard to build up his self esteem and help him adjust his attitude to school. He is still go karting on the weekends and lives for it! Cody is a natural at school and doesn't even need to try.... though I am sure that if he would try he would of course do even better! He tends to cruise along quite easily so sometimes I think I don't actually pay enough attention... but he can also be a little bit...dare I say... lazy? and does the bare minimum to get through (even though it is usually easy for him!)

As a family : Last weekend we went to Kalgoorlie for Dana's 30th birthday. It was a nice weekend and the kids loved catching up with their little cousins! We stayed at Rod and Dana's and just spent a few chilled out days with them before making the 600k (odd) journey home again. The kids were surprisingly well behaved in the car on the way there and we only made one stop. The drive home was a little more painful but they were still pretty good. The twins did a fair bit of screaming and whinging until the last 100k's or so when we sat Lach between them and had him hold my iPad so they could watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

All in all we have just been busy with life. I will post some photos of the kids as soon as I get a chance... I need to go get the troops dinner ready now but I will be back to play some more soon....