oh nooooooo!

Well after my last upbeat blog post declaring my new health kick I thought it was time to pop back in and update on what's been happening!!

On Saturday night I went out to a party plan party down the road with a few girlfriends. Was having a nice night and had drunk about three glasses of wine when I decided to come back home for something. In quite a good mood, I broke into a jog just outside my house and thought I'd jog off the road and up the kerb and up the driveway......WRONG!! I changed levels from the road to the kerb and landed funny on the side of my foot. I went down HARD and felt a big crunch/tear/pop sound as I went down. OMG!!! I have never felt so much pain in my life :( I was in total agony!!

My friend Jo took me to the emergency department at Rockingham hospital and I was seen fairly quickly. They did an xray and no break was seen so I was told that I had most likely torn a ligament in my ankle. I was given a tubigrip bandage and told to get a pair of crutches from the chemist as I would be off my foot for about 6 weeks!!

I came home and put up with the pain all night long, getting no more than about 10 mins sleep at a time on the lounge chair. The whole of Sunday was much the same. I sat on the couch in tears all day and really wasn't coping too well at all. By the time Monday came around I was still suffering a lot and decided that I might have to go back to a Dr or emergency department if it didn't settle.

By monday night my toes were really starting to swell and go blue. The blood flow was really restricted by that tubigrip bandage and I didn't quite know what to do so Dad came over and took me up to Murdoch emergency department while Dan stayed home and put the kids to bed. I was seen fairly quickly at Murdoch and they gave me a larger tubigrip bandage and a referral for a CT scan to be done.

Today (Tuesday) I rang up and got an appointment at 10am for the CT scan. Dad drove me up to get it done and then we had to wait till 2.30 for the report to be ready. After wasting the day at Dad's we went back to get the report and it read that I had managed to tear 3 ligaments and fracture a small bone near the ankle joint too. Knowing what the report said I decided to call into the GP office that I usually go to and ask them to have a look at the report for me. Luckily they squeezed me in with a Dr and she took a look at the report. She then organized to put a half cast on my ankle and gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon! So that is where I am at now.. sitting at home with a big cast on my very sore ankle and I need to call tomorrow to make an appointment with a specialist. Needless to say I am not a very happy girl at the moment :(

Obviously the exercise plan is out the window at the moment as I can't even stand on two feet. I am on crutches and will be for a while yet. I have had a lot of great help from my friends and family over the last few days but I am aware that I will need help for a long time and I can't expect that they will continue at the level they have for as long as I need so I am not too sure how I will manage.

Oh well... I will find a way and I will update when I figure out what that way is and how I am going to get through this :(

M
xx

it's been a while...

It's been a while since I've been here! It's been a very tough year, my toughest so far. I've learnt a lot of things this past year and have grown a lot as a person. I have been in a very dark place and am now starting to come out the other side. It's a process and one that I have been working very hard on but I really feel proud to say that the world is starting to look a lot brighter to me these days.

I struggled with myself for a long time before I admitted that I needed help but when I finally found a good GP and confided in her I can honestly say that my healing began. She started me on anti depressants (another thing I swore I would never 'give in' to - as if being on them was somehow admitting defeat!) and I have also been seeing a fantastic Psychologist who has helped me challenge a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs and accept a new reality for myself and my family.

I have been making an effort to get out there and have a social life - both with the kids and on my own and I think we are all happier for it. I have also realized that my belief that I should be able to 'do it all on my own' is neither helpful or true. I often worry too much about what others think of me and have had the impression before that people think that 'she had all those kids, she should be able to handle it all on her own and not need any help' I have come to realize with the help of my counsellor that I should not be worrying so much about what other people think and should be concentrating on looking after myself so that I can look after my family the way I want to and the way they deserve! Everyone has their own 'issues' and often others opinions of me and my family are a direct reflection of their own problems.

The in-home care thing didn't really work out for us but I have now got the little three in daycare two days a week at different family day care homes. They seem to love it and are more than happy to go and play with other little kids and it gives me a chance to do all those Drs appointments, kids appointments and various errands as well as all the housework that is always waiting... and yes... even spend a little guilt free time for myself!

Now that I am underway in the process of caring for my mind... it's time I started thinking about my body. For the last year I have been trying to eat away my feelings. I feel sad.. I eat! I feel trapped in my life... I eat! I feel fat... I eat! clearly, it's not really working for me. I have gained 10 kilos and now it's time to shift it again and start to feel better on the outside and the inside. I have hired a treadmill again and I am determined to attempt at least 30 mins of exercise every day. I have also signed up for weight watchers online in an attempt to track what I am eating and keep myself honest. I will also try to update here on a weekly basis as another method to keep me on track!


So here we go...onward and upward from here!

M.
xx

things are looking up!

Ok, After my last dismal post I thought it was time to come back in and update on where I am at. I have been feeling very low and not coping with life in general but after my lowest of lows a few weeks ago I realised that I cannot go on like this and so have begun to take some measures to help myself out of this rutt.

I decided that I need people. Plain and simple. I have always been a people person and I always will be. I crave the adult companionship and conversation and cannot stand only being exposed to endless episodes of playschool and 2 year old tantrums with nothing to break it up. It is with this in mind that I have decided to put in some more effort and get out there. When mum was around it was always her that I turned to. We were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends too! We enjoyed each others company and we spent a lot of time together each week. Since she has been gone I have had no one. I spend day after day on my own (well, surrounded by little kids) and it's not good for me.

I have decided that firstly I need more than the one day of daycare. I decided to call Karen, our old in-home care lady and see if she was free to come back on Tuesdays. She will be starting the week after next and having her here on Tuesdays will allow me to still see my kids on those days but make it possible for me to do whatever errands are needed, food shopping, cleaning etc.. and also another day to make any Dr. appointments or the like - just basically giving me a bit more freedom to move!

Mondays I have decided to get back together with my 'mums group' friends. These girls have been my friends since our firsts were born 8 years ago and we have formed some fantastic friendships. I have missed seeing them regularly and the little kids have missed out on 'mothers group' meetings so we are starting a regular monday meet again.

Wednesdays I am planning on doing a similar thing with Katie and Jules who I went to high school with. These girls have known me forever. They know everything about me and my family and I them. It's a very comfortable feeling and great to re-connect with them and their kids. We plan on doing a kind of 'portable' playgroup where we just meet at different locations decided the night before. Sometimes our houses, sometimes parks etc.. It should be great and the kids will love getting out and about with them too!

Thursdays are my 'free' day. The three bigger kids are at school and the three little ones go to family day care so it's my chance to do whatever I want for me! I can go shopping, take myself to the movies, come home and sleep - whatever! I want to try and keep this day free to be spontaneous and not booked up with things I HAVE to do - that way I hope it will be refreshing and relaxing - just all about me!

Fridays I am considering taking the 4 little ones to the library story time session. It's free, it's close to home and hopefully it will teach the kids about how they have to behave as they get ready for school next year. (wish me luck!)

So there you have it! Things are looking up! I have a plan :) It will still be hard work but I am feeling more positive and determined to get out there and live life instead of sitting at home feeling defeated.

Marnie

A sad state of affairs!

I have recently come to realise a pretty sad truth.... I have forgotten how to be happy! It was at least two and a half years since the last time I was truly happy. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of hating my life. I am sick of every tiny task feeling like a huge battle. I am tired of being angry and abusive to my kids who don't deserve it. I am exhausted. I am alone. I see no end in sight!

I just had to get that out there.... tomorrow I will go back to getting on with it because I am 'mum', that is my job and there is no escaping that!

**disclaimer - PLEASE do not respond. I do not want a response. I do not want sympathy, that's not why I posted this.. I just needed to tell it to someone - even if that someone is no one!**

Enjoying doing nothing!

We have had a quiet week of recovery around here! It's nice to not have to go anywhere or run to a timetable and I'll admit that a few days the kids have even stayed in their PJ's all day long. The days have been really hot (around the 40 degree mark) so that has made things a little harder as the kids can't really play outside in that heat. We haven't used the pool much either since it's been almost too hot in the middle of the day but we hope to get out there a bit in the next week as the weather cools to around the 30 mark.

So we have spent our days inside playing with all the cool new christmas presents and watching movies - bliss!! Niamh has been absolutely loving the Sylvanian Families house and play sets that she got from Santa. Max and Blake got Woody dolls (from Toy Story) and they love playing with those and the big boys got a tonne of Lego and a new TV/DVD for their bedroom which has well and truly kept them entertained!

Little miss Isla is getting really cheeky these days. Her new favorite game is to open all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen and empty the contents onto the floor! GRRR! I remember every one of the other kids going through this stage and they all drove me crazy, LOL! I guess it's her turn! She is sure she is completely amusing though :P little rat bag! She adores her big brothers and sister.. it's really cute to see her crawling around the house following them and trying to join in their games. She's not quite walking yet but she is pulling herself up on all the furniture and cruising a bit so it won't be too long, I am sure!

We took three days over christmas to try potty training the twins but it just wasn't working out :( They didn't really seem to grasp the concept at all and after several billion wees on the floor we decided to put nappies back on them and wait a few months to try again. I am sure they will get it eventually but I feel a bit anxious about it since all the other kids were well and truly trained by two and a half. Oh well, I'm sure they'll figure it out.

Next week we start swimming lessons for Lachlan and Cody at the Rockingham outdoor pools. I am thinking at this stage that I will let the little ones play in the small babies pool while we are there every day but I reserve the right to change my mind on that one depending on how they behave ;) Hopefully it will all work out and they can cool off and have a good time while still listening to me and staying in control - fingers crossed!!

aaah well, I can hear my bed calling me! It's midnight again (oops, how did that happen??) and I have had waay too many late nights lately so I'd better get some sleep! I think I tend to stay up too late because I am enjoying the sound of silence and getting to actually watch a TV show and hear the words! It's nice to spend time without (what feels like) a hundred small arms and legs clamouring all over me. I end up paying for it in the morning when they are jumping on my bed at 5.30am though ;)

M.

Happy new year!

Well, 2010 here we come!

2009 has been a hell of a year for us and I am glad to see the back of it. The pain that at brought us will never be forgotten but I am trying to be optimistic and look forward to a brighter year ahead.

The silly season is winding down now and the kids have had a ball. They got utterly spoilt as usual with a tonne of presents and we have had a heap of late nights and busy days. I am looking forward to taking a few weeks with the kids to have some quiet time and just chill out. Lach and Cody are booked in to swimming lessons for the second series at the Rockingham outdoor pools and while it's going to be an effort for me to get everyone there each day for two weeks I feel like I need to do it and prove to myself that I can manage on my own and do the things I need to do with the kids as a family.

Life is tricky with 6 little ones, trickier than most people would even begin to understand but I am really tired of everything being so negative. This year I want to try to change my attitude and just get out there and enjoy life a bit more. The kids are missing out while I am sitting around saying that everything is too difficult. The twins are finally old enough to walk most places holding onto the side of the pram and that makes a huge difference. It's time to get on with it! I feel a little bit sad that my babies are growing up and I no longer have a tiny bub but at the same time I am feeling a strange sense of change in the air and I can see a bit more freedom on the horizon!

So...bring on 2010 and with it a much different life for all of us!! :D

busy..busy..busy!

We don't seem to have a moment to spare these days! We are always rushing to get somewhere or get something done. This morning we got everyone up and out of the house around 7am to go watch the boys first tee ball matches of the season. It was Cody's first ever game and Lachlan's third season and they had a great time. Both teams lost unfortunately but I think they are really going to enjoy it, even if they don't win most of the time ;)

Next Saturday dancing lessons start up again for term 4 so that means that I will have to take the 5 littlest with me to dancing and then head to tee ball after that in time to catch Lachlan's game. It means that I will always miss Cody's though :( and I can't leave any of the kids with Dan because he happens to be the coach so he's a bit busy, lol!

We rushed back home from Tee ball this morning so that Dan could get stuck into the back yard. He has been working on it every spare minute he gets and it is still a looong way from finished! Today he is hiring a dingo and a turf cutter and removing about a tonne of sand and grass from the yard to make room for the softfall rubber flooring to be poured.... I can't wait till it's all done and the kids can be free to play outside! I think they are going to have a great summer with this backyard completed.

Tomorrow we have a 5th birthday party to go to! James from my mothers group turns 5 and he's having a party at his house. The kids love going there since they live on a large block and have so much space to run around.... it should be fun!

The weather has finally changed and it's so nice to step outside and feel the sunshine. This past winter was the longest coldest most miserable winter I remember in a long time and I am sure that has to do with what we have been through as well as the actual weather. I am pleased to finally be able to focus on something a little more positive.

We are heading towards the most crazy time of year. I was looking on the calendar and in a few weeks time we will be at the point where there is a birthday on every weekend till christmas! I am just about to start my christmas shopping next week and I just know this last school term is going to fly by!

It's going to be a tough first christmas without mum and Janette there, but no matter how sad we might feel the kids will still be kids and it will all still happen. I know mum would want us to carry on as usual and make it a happy family time so that is what we will try to do

M.