The words to Katy Perry's song Firework have been going through my head all day "Do you ever feel, already buried deep, 6 feet under, scream but no one seems to hear a thing?"
I feel like all I ever do online is whinge and complain but the truth of the matter is that no one is listening! I doubt anyone is even reading my blog any more... so here I go because if I don't get this out it just might eat me alive! It might be irrational and emotional and it might not even make any sense in parts but it is how I am feeling and right now that is scary :(
I don't like my life at all at the moment. In fact I go so far as to say I hate my life. I feel like a failure at parenting because I have an extremely short fuse and spend all my time screaming profanities at my children. I am one of 'those' mothers. I hate who I have become and today I have even been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I get so mad that I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins and I can hardly control my temper. Often I am driving at the time and thoughts flash through my mind of driving into the nearest tree with me and whatever kids are on board the bus at the time.
The level of stress that I live with is unbelievable. If I don't die from a heart attack or stress related disease before I am 40 I will be really really surprised. That means that the kids also live with that stress. There is so much screaming and fighting and threats of abuse in our house it's not funny and this is not once in a while... this is a daily occurrence... more than daily... all day long actually! It is not healthy for anyone and I hate the way the kids are growing up with it . They are becoming angry aggressive screaming little balls of stress.
I am so ashamed that this is the kind of mum that I have become. I am failing my family and especially my kids on so many levels :( I am embarrassed to admit that I feel like I made a huge mistake. I had too many kids and I can't physically or emotionally handle parenting them all. There is just not enough of me to go around. I am impatient, cranky and angry instead of the loving kind and nurturing mother that I always thought I would be. They all have their own unique problems and issues that need my attention and I feel like I just can't give them what they need. That kills me inside, almost as much as knowing that they are growing up and will remember that their mum constantly says that she hates being their mother, that she hates her life and that she wants to run away and never come back... how bad is that? I am truly damaging them forever right now and I just don't know how to stop it.
Our stress is totally added to by the financial issues are are facing. We are STILL trying to sell our Baldivis house and we just don't have enough money to make ends meet at the moment. We can't even afford to pay the bills and living expenses let alone any money for me to get some help with cleaning or the kids (daycare or nanny etc..) or for me to spend on exercise activities for myself to try and get my mind in the right place. SO I feel like we have made another mistake by shifting here and stretching ourselves so badly. We have now backed ourselves into a corner because we can't sell either place (the market is so bad) and we are stuck here hoping for a miracle :(
Of course I still feel lonely. Funny how a mother of 6 can feel lonely... but I do. I am all alone. I have no one to talk to and no one that really gives a crap (except Dan but he is busy trying to tread water just like me). I miss my Mum. If she were here I know she would care and I know she would try to help me out - truth is if she were here I probably wouldn't be like this.
So there you have it... the ugly truth! Now I will hop back into my shell and plaster on my brave face so I can face the world again tomorrow and try to pretend like everything is fine. I am sure I will feel better again in a few days.. not totally fixed because these issues have been plagueing me for the last 4 years but I will bounce back enough to carry on - I have to! I am Mum. (for what that's worth).
3 comments:
Ive never stopped reading your blog Marnie.
You need help, you know you do. Writing this is a cry for help. You love your kids I know you do. You're a beautiful person under a lot of stress and as someone who has had depression. I'm telling you you need to go to the doctor and tell them what is happening. You need to do this for you and the kids. Please. I'm worried for you. No onw who knows you will judge you, I know what an incredible person you are and how much you have gone through. Please please go to the doctors and get some help.
Please Marnie, pick up a helpline. You need to talk to someone. (((hugs)))
Sorry Tracy, I only just realised that I had the comments on moderate!
Thanks so much for your kind words and support <3
I have upped my medication again and am feeling much more in control, thanks! I promise that if I get to be feeling that way again I will definitely go and see someone about it. It's such a rough road to have to travel and I know that if I can just get to the other side life will seem sunny again :) I'm not prepared to drown in this depression... I'll find my way out (with the help of those around me ;))
xxx
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