Well it's Sunday morning and we are having a much quieter weekend than last week - thank goodness!!
The highlight of last Saturday was while Dan, Lach and Cody were away at Wagin karting and I was left at home with Niamh, Max, Blake and Isla. Max and Blake were being very silly - just one of those moods where I couldn't calm them down no matter what I did. Blake gave Max an almighty shove in the back towards the dining room window and Max went through it - arms outstretched! Both hands got cut up and there was an awful lot of blood and screaming and panic (the panic was mostly from me, LOL!)
After a distress call to Grandad and a quick trip to the hospital Max had his hand glued up and I had called a glass repair man to fix the window. In the end the cuts weren't too bad but still not something I care to repeat in a hurry!!!
This weekend we have spent pottering around the house tidying and cleaning, doing washing and generally tidying up
Lachlan has his friend Jarred coming over shortly so he is looking forward to a day outside riding bikes in the dirt. Cody is glued to the playstation once again and the little kids are running around causing general havoc (as usual!!)
I will dedicate the day to washing and folding laundry.... I am determined to find the floor in there today!! Wish me luck!!!
M
xx
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
reflecting....
As I sit here late at night (Yes, I should be in bed!!) my mind once again drifts to my Mum and how much I miss her. I am left wondering... does it ever get easier? It's been two years now and I guess in a way it is easier.. I no longer feel like I am in denial about her being gone... nor am I begging the universe to do me a deal and bring her back... but it hurts. It hurts every time I think about her. Every time my kids do something amazing, or funny, or they are sick or hurt themselves... the first thing I think of is... I want to pick up the phone and call Mum! She was really my best friend. She was the one I turned to every time anything at all happened in my life. She was my main support but more than that she was my friend. I cared about all the little details of what was going on with her and I know she cared about all the same things in my life.. unconditionally! I feel like as time goes on I am forgetting the little things.. what she smelled like, all the tiny details, what it felt like to hug her.... I remember in the last month or so of her life when I was still in a bit of denial and Mum stood in my kitchen with her arms around me supporting me and telling me that I was going to be ok!! I would give anything to feel that hug again :'(
It feels like 2 years on I shouldn't still be thinking these things. Like I shouldn't be expressing them because the world has moved on and the accepted 'period of mourning' is over. I don't feel like people really want to be reminded of such sad thoughts and so I just keep them to myself.... and occasionally when it gets too much I spill them out in a forum such as this.
M
xx
PS: I'll come back tomorrow and update with general news of our life when I am feeling a little more cheery!
It feels like 2 years on I shouldn't still be thinking these things. Like I shouldn't be expressing them because the world has moved on and the accepted 'period of mourning' is over. I don't feel like people really want to be reminded of such sad thoughts and so I just keep them to myself.... and occasionally when it gets too much I spill them out in a forum such as this.
M
xx
PS: I'll come back tomorrow and update with general news of our life when I am feeling a little more cheery!
Monday, 1 August 2011
In other news... Monday again - blerch!! I really don't like Mondays :( It means that it's a whole 5 days till we can spend the day with Dan again and I can get some back up in this mad house!
We had a good weekend though, Saturday was spent doing the usual cleaning and running around to Ballet etc.. then Saturday night I had a few drinks and watched some movies with the kids while Dan and the older boys worked on their Karts in the shed. There was some pretty wild weather overnight Saturday
We woke Sunday morning to find the Trampoline had flown accross the yard and landed very close to the back verandah. We were supposed to be having a family photo shoot Sunday in the bush out the back but of course it had to be postponed till next Sunday due to the weather!! We spent the rest of Sunday just hanging around the house while the kids played and we pottered around doing washing and tidying etc.. .
Sunday night was my brother in law's birthday party at the Yacht club in rockingham so we headed out about 5pm and spent a lovely evening amongst family and friends celebrating with him. It was a great night and a lovely end to a nice cruisy weekend!
We had a good weekend though, Saturday was spent doing the usual cleaning and running around to Ballet etc.. then Saturday night I had a few drinks and watched some movies with the kids while Dan and the older boys worked on their Karts in the shed. There was some pretty wild weather overnight Saturday
We woke Sunday morning to find the Trampoline had flown accross the yard and landed very close to the back verandah. We were supposed to be having a family photo shoot Sunday in the bush out the back but of course it had to be postponed till next Sunday due to the weather!! We spent the rest of Sunday just hanging around the house while the kids played and we pottered around doing washing and tidying etc.. .
Sunday night was my brother in law's birthday party at the Yacht club in rockingham so we headed out about 5pm and spent a lovely evening amongst family and friends celebrating with him. It was a great night and a lovely end to a nice cruisy weekend!
NEXT - my new obsession!!
Ever since my friend Simone introduced me to the website for NEXT (a UK based clothing store) I have been in heaven!! I love ordering the kids clothes online and waiting for the postie to bring our goodies! I love the anticipation of waiting and the feeling when they finally arrive and you get to open up the parcels like it is christmas time!! It has been especially good because Next do free postage site wide so it works out to be pretty comparable to prices in Aus except in my opinion, a whole lot nicer than the clothes available for the kids here.
So far I have bought them everything from socks and undies to big winter jackets, dresses and tights, t-shirts and shoes!! Today when the postie arrived she bought with her a delivery that Cody has been waiting on for ages... He desperately wanted a pair of Red Converse Chuck Taylors and today they arrived..... He's going to be so happy when he gets home from school :)
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Contigo cups!!
Now I am the first to admit that I love to buy things!! Lately I have been on a mission to find the kids good drinking bottles for school and weekend activities.. I am sick of them breaking as soon as I buy them from places like KMart and Target!!
I think I have found the perfect drink bottles/cups!! They are called Contigo cups and they are awesome!! I ordered 6 of them to begin with and am already loving them :) They have an autoseal technology where the only way you can make the liquid come out is to squeeze the large button near the neck of the cup. Between sips it seals off again and there are no spills and no leaks. It means that when the kids drop their bottles on the floor of the car it will no longer pour out everywhere all over the vinyl! I will also no longer have to deal with the inevitable soggy schoolbag/books and contents!
I ordered a 'Trekker' kids cup for Isla in Purple, Two stainless kids cups in Orange/Yellow and Green/Blue for Max and Blake, and three 'Swish' bottles in Red, Blue and Pink for the older three. The only complaint so far is that the smaller three bottles are really quite small and I am having to refill them quite frequently (not such a big deal) so I am thinking that I will keep those stainless ones at home and order Max and Blake (and maybe myself) another 'Swish' bottle for school use :)
Anyhow.. that is my little review and rant about our new Contigo cups - I am loving them!!
Friday, 15 July 2011
underway!
OK, so I am underway! I have resisted any junk food or carb laden food for a few days now and am actually feeling good. I have begun keeping a food diary to be accountable for my food intake and have decided to totally abstain from wine for just a little while to get me on track! After I have some new habits set up I will introduce a few glasses here and there but for this weekend I am best off staying right away from it!
I have also started using my treadmill. I realized that there was no point in waiting till the kids go back to school. I need to stop making excuses and start making it happen. (cliche I know, but it's the truth!)
I got Niamh to take some 'BEFORE' photos of me in my bathers....EEEEEK! Those shots won't be making an appearance anywhere soon but at least I have them to refer to and they really have helped me to see that I can't kid myself any more. People try to be kind and tell me I look fine or that I must 'hide it well' because they can't see that I need to lose 20 kilos. Well... let me tell you! There is no hiding anything in these photos!! LOL!
All in all I am feeling very motivated. I just need to realize that this is going to take a long time and won't be something I can do in a week.
In other news....
We are one week in to the school holidays and so far it hasn't been too bad. The kids are enjoying a PJ day today and have just been hanging out at home playing on the Wii and watching TV and movies. Yesterday we went to the foreshore and I bought them fish and chips for lunch, they day before that we played with some friends at their house and Tuesday was another day at the foreshore with a different set of friends (this time Neevie's school friends!)
My house looks like a bomb has gone off with this many kids around all day long but I have decided not to worry about it! I can't really control it and if I try to I will just go mental so best to let it go and deal with it in another week ;)
It's friday today so I am looking forward to spending some time with Dan over the next few days. We have nothing planned for tomorrow at all so might go out somewhere as a family. We can't really afford to do anything with an entry fee this week but we might just go for a picnic if the weather plays nice! On Sunday Lachlan and Cody are signed up for a Rookie Development Day at the Kart Club (Cody is now racing too! We bought Lachlan a new larger Kart and Cody is going to take over Lachlan's older smaller one!) Since they will both get a go on Sunday I might see if I can pop out there for a while and take some Video of Cody having a drive! Then Sunday night we are going to Wendy and Matt's for dinner with the whole family so I can't wait for that - should be great!!
So there you have it... All is good in the Horton household this week :)
M
xx
I have also started using my treadmill. I realized that there was no point in waiting till the kids go back to school. I need to stop making excuses and start making it happen. (cliche I know, but it's the truth!)
I got Niamh to take some 'BEFORE' photos of me in my bathers....EEEEEK! Those shots won't be making an appearance anywhere soon but at least I have them to refer to and they really have helped me to see that I can't kid myself any more. People try to be kind and tell me I look fine or that I must 'hide it well' because they can't see that I need to lose 20 kilos. Well... let me tell you! There is no hiding anything in these photos!! LOL!
All in all I am feeling very motivated. I just need to realize that this is going to take a long time and won't be something I can do in a week.
In other news....
We are one week in to the school holidays and so far it hasn't been too bad. The kids are enjoying a PJ day today and have just been hanging out at home playing on the Wii and watching TV and movies. Yesterday we went to the foreshore and I bought them fish and chips for lunch, they day before that we played with some friends at their house and Tuesday was another day at the foreshore with a different set of friends (this time Neevie's school friends!)
My house looks like a bomb has gone off with this many kids around all day long but I have decided not to worry about it! I can't really control it and if I try to I will just go mental so best to let it go and deal with it in another week ;)
It's friday today so I am looking forward to spending some time with Dan over the next few days. We have nothing planned for tomorrow at all so might go out somewhere as a family. We can't really afford to do anything with an entry fee this week but we might just go for a picnic if the weather plays nice! On Sunday Lachlan and Cody are signed up for a Rookie Development Day at the Kart Club (Cody is now racing too! We bought Lachlan a new larger Kart and Cody is going to take over Lachlan's older smaller one!) Since they will both get a go on Sunday I might see if I can pop out there for a while and take some Video of Cody having a drive! Then Sunday night we are going to Wendy and Matt's for dinner with the whole family so I can't wait for that - should be great!!
So there you have it... All is good in the Horton household this week :)
M
xx
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
The ugly truth
OK - I can't avoid it any longer... I need to face up to the ugly truth and start to deal with it!!! I have always been bothered by my weight but never have I felt this bad about my body. Since taking the AD's I have steadily gained weight till I am now at the biggest point I have ever been in my life. There's no denying it! I feel fat. I look fat. My clothes don't fit me and I am extremely unfit as a result.... time to put my words into action!
I have about 20kilos to lose (OMG!! Even saying it out loud it sounds so hideous!!) It's time to stop making excuses and start doing!! I am planning on following CK again and just recently Dan and I bought a schmicko treadmill that is sitting in our toy room - ready and waiting!! We decided that since we have hired three times before at about $500 a pop we were better off to actually buy one and keep it :) It means that I will be more able to find time to exercise but I am still going to have to MAKE the time. I will need to get out of bed earlier in the mornings before the kids get up if I want to be uninterrupted. That means I will have to go to bed earlier at night times. I will also have to be more organised and plan better when it comes to meals and food. It's going to take practice and I am going to stuff up occasionally but I need to make myself remember that this time it's not all or nothing... it's a journey and if I stray occasionally the trick will be to get back on the right path ASAP instead of throwing in the towel and declaring the 'diet ruined'.
So there you have it. Short and sweet. That is my plan. There's no point going on about it - I just need to get on with it!
Marnie
I have about 20kilos to lose (OMG!! Even saying it out loud it sounds so hideous!!) It's time to stop making excuses and start doing!! I am planning on following CK again and just recently Dan and I bought a schmicko treadmill that is sitting in our toy room - ready and waiting!! We decided that since we have hired three times before at about $500 a pop we were better off to actually buy one and keep it :) It means that I will be more able to find time to exercise but I am still going to have to MAKE the time. I will need to get out of bed earlier in the mornings before the kids get up if I want to be uninterrupted. That means I will have to go to bed earlier at night times. I will also have to be more organised and plan better when it comes to meals and food. It's going to take practice and I am going to stuff up occasionally but I need to make myself remember that this time it's not all or nothing... it's a journey and if I stray occasionally the trick will be to get back on the right path ASAP instead of throwing in the towel and declaring the 'diet ruined'.
So there you have it. Short and sweet. That is my plan. There's no point going on about it - I just need to get on with it!
Marnie
Sunday, 3 July 2011
A good weekend :)
It's Sunday night and we have just had a great weekend :)
Friday night we took the kids out to Dinner (just at Hungry Jacks) and then to the movies to see Cars 2! Cody has been busting to see it for 6 months now since he first heard it was being released so he was very very excited!! The kids all had a great time and loved the movie even though the little three got a little bored in the last half an hour (it was quite a long movie with a complicated plot for a kids story!)
Saturday I took the 4 youngest with me to Niamh's ballet class and Dan took the two older boys to Wagin for a dirt Kart meet. Lachlan as always was very happy for the chance to get back on the track and this time Cody actually got an opportunity to have a go too! They had a special day where unlicensed drivers could have a drive on the track so he was more than happy to give it a whirl!! Dan said he really loved it so that was good for him!
Today we spent the day filling up a huge skip bin at the Baldivis house. We still have a lot of stuff there that we never shifted out and have decided it's time to get serious and totally empty it all out. We need to clean up and spruce it up (a bit more paint and fresh garden beds etc..) and then we just HAVE to get rid of it and move on! I am so sick of living in limbo while it is for sale and the housing market is just SO dead at the moment :( It's a bad time to be selling but we are stuck where we are so we just really need to suck it up and get on with it!
half way through the Day the kids were getting really restless so I bought the little 4 home and left Dan, Lach and Cody there. We came home and baked cookies together and then miss Isla had a sleep and I even fell asleep on the couch too <3 aaaahhh.. bliss!!!
So there you have it!! Our full weekend and not a day of crying or screaming in sight :) I am feeling a lot better these last few weeks. I have upped my meds again and am starting to feel a lot more in control. I think I need to just accept that I can't come off these tablets just yet... maybe not till the kids are all at school even :( I had tried to reduce them myself (Dr said it was ok) but it turns out that it's not a good idea for me. It sent me into a spiral of depression and anger that I couldn't control. I don't like taking them but I don't like living the way I was much either so that is my choice!
I am also planning to begin exercising again from tomorrow. I have organised a treadmill so that I can fit it into my day and I want to start the couch to 5 k running program again soon. I have gained so much weight this last year that it's time to stop and reverse the trend! I think my medication makes it a bit harder but I have to do something and at least the exercise should help with my moods and attitude, if nothing else!
Well, it's now 10 o'clock and my baby girl has finally decided she will stay in her bed so it's time for me to go to bed also. Thanks to those that are still reading my blog and offering their support <3 it is much appreciated!! xx
M.
xx
Friday night we took the kids out to Dinner (just at Hungry Jacks) and then to the movies to see Cars 2! Cody has been busting to see it for 6 months now since he first heard it was being released so he was very very excited!! The kids all had a great time and loved the movie even though the little three got a little bored in the last half an hour (it was quite a long movie with a complicated plot for a kids story!)
Saturday I took the 4 youngest with me to Niamh's ballet class and Dan took the two older boys to Wagin for a dirt Kart meet. Lachlan as always was very happy for the chance to get back on the track and this time Cody actually got an opportunity to have a go too! They had a special day where unlicensed drivers could have a drive on the track so he was more than happy to give it a whirl!! Dan said he really loved it so that was good for him!
Today we spent the day filling up a huge skip bin at the Baldivis house. We still have a lot of stuff there that we never shifted out and have decided it's time to get serious and totally empty it all out. We need to clean up and spruce it up (a bit more paint and fresh garden beds etc..) and then we just HAVE to get rid of it and move on! I am so sick of living in limbo while it is for sale and the housing market is just SO dead at the moment :( It's a bad time to be selling but we are stuck where we are so we just really need to suck it up and get on with it!
half way through the Day the kids were getting really restless so I bought the little 4 home and left Dan, Lach and Cody there. We came home and baked cookies together and then miss Isla had a sleep and I even fell asleep on the couch too <3 aaaahhh.. bliss!!!
So there you have it!! Our full weekend and not a day of crying or screaming in sight :) I am feeling a lot better these last few weeks. I have upped my meds again and am starting to feel a lot more in control. I think I need to just accept that I can't come off these tablets just yet... maybe not till the kids are all at school even :( I had tried to reduce them myself (Dr said it was ok) but it turns out that it's not a good idea for me. It sent me into a spiral of depression and anger that I couldn't control. I don't like taking them but I don't like living the way I was much either so that is my choice!
I am also planning to begin exercising again from tomorrow. I have organised a treadmill so that I can fit it into my day and I want to start the couch to 5 k running program again soon. I have gained so much weight this last year that it's time to stop and reverse the trend! I think my medication makes it a bit harder but I have to do something and at least the exercise should help with my moods and attitude, if nothing else!
Well, it's now 10 o'clock and my baby girl has finally decided she will stay in her bed so it's time for me to go to bed also. Thanks to those that are still reading my blog and offering their support <3 it is much appreciated!! xx
M.
xx
Friday, 17 June 2011
more of the same...
I still have a thumping headache...
I have still been yelling at the kids all morning
they have still been screaming screeching and totally ignoring everything I say to them....
Sometimes I truly think that these are not children I am raising but wild animals....
*sigh* at least it's the weekend and come 5 o'clock there will be two sets of hands on duty. Bring on the weekend and a good stiff drink!
I have still been yelling at the kids all morning
they have still been screaming screeching and totally ignoring everything I say to them....
Sometimes I truly think that these are not children I am raising but wild animals....
*sigh* at least it's the weekend and come 5 o'clock there will be two sets of hands on duty. Bring on the weekend and a good stiff drink!
Thursday, 16 June 2011
A bit better today...
Thankyou to my gorgeous family members who were concerned about me.. I seriously didn't think anyone read this blog any more - oops! I have had a long phone conversation with my cousin (who is more like a sister to me) and I feel ok. I am not better but I am going to be ok so don't worry peeps ;) I promise I won't do anything stupid and I will struggle on until life gets easier... it has to one day soon..... right?? (LOL, I've kind of been saying that for four years now - one day it will come true!)
There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I can't do anything to fix and I think that is the most frustrating part. Top that off with the stress I feel all the time and I am bound to have some down days... I'll be ok.
I am worried about the kids and I feel like I am not doing a good enough job with them but I am doing my best and will continue to do my best for them as long as I am their mum.. that's all I can do.
I'm a bit surprised by the emotional week I have had.. I really thought I had it all under control and I was on the up, but I guess it all just snuck up on me again... I will keep taking my medications and I promise that if I don't improve I will make another Dr appointment before it gets out of hand again ;)
Thanks again, I do know I have family that love and care for me.. I just feel like I am doing a two person (at least) job all alone and it's a bit tricky at times, once again... I'll be ok! xxx
There are lots of issues in my life at the moment that I can't do anything to fix and I think that is the most frustrating part. Top that off with the stress I feel all the time and I am bound to have some down days... I'll be ok.
I am worried about the kids and I feel like I am not doing a good enough job with them but I am doing my best and will continue to do my best for them as long as I am their mum.. that's all I can do.
I'm a bit surprised by the emotional week I have had.. I really thought I had it all under control and I was on the up, but I guess it all just snuck up on me again... I will keep taking my medications and I promise that if I don't improve I will make another Dr appointment before it gets out of hand again ;)
Thanks again, I do know I have family that love and care for me.. I just feel like I am doing a two person (at least) job all alone and it's a bit tricky at times, once again... I'll be ok! xxx
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
A really bad day :(
The words to Katy Perry's song Firework have been going through my head all day "Do you ever feel, already buried deep, 6 feet under, scream but no one seems to hear a thing?"
I feel like all I ever do online is whinge and complain but the truth of the matter is that no one is listening! I doubt anyone is even reading my blog any more... so here I go because if I don't get this out it just might eat me alive! It might be irrational and emotional and it might not even make any sense in parts but it is how I am feeling and right now that is scary :(
I don't like my life at all at the moment. In fact I go so far as to say I hate my life. I feel like a failure at parenting because I have an extremely short fuse and spend all my time screaming profanities at my children. I am one of 'those' mothers. I hate who I have become and today I have even been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I get so mad that I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins and I can hardly control my temper. Often I am driving at the time and thoughts flash through my mind of driving into the nearest tree with me and whatever kids are on board the bus at the time.
The level of stress that I live with is unbelievable. If I don't die from a heart attack or stress related disease before I am 40 I will be really really surprised. That means that the kids also live with that stress. There is so much screaming and fighting and threats of abuse in our house it's not funny and this is not once in a while... this is a daily occurrence... more than daily... all day long actually! It is not healthy for anyone and I hate the way the kids are growing up with it . They are becoming angry aggressive screaming little balls of stress.
I am so ashamed that this is the kind of mum that I have become. I am failing my family and especially my kids on so many levels :( I am embarrassed to admit that I feel like I made a huge mistake. I had too many kids and I can't physically or emotionally handle parenting them all. There is just not enough of me to go around. I am impatient, cranky and angry instead of the loving kind and nurturing mother that I always thought I would be. They all have their own unique problems and issues that need my attention and I feel like I just can't give them what they need. That kills me inside, almost as much as knowing that they are growing up and will remember that their mum constantly says that she hates being their mother, that she hates her life and that she wants to run away and never come back... how bad is that? I am truly damaging them forever right now and I just don't know how to stop it.
Our stress is totally added to by the financial issues are are facing. We are STILL trying to sell our Baldivis house and we just don't have enough money to make ends meet at the moment. We can't even afford to pay the bills and living expenses let alone any money for me to get some help with cleaning or the kids (daycare or nanny etc..) or for me to spend on exercise activities for myself to try and get my mind in the right place. SO I feel like we have made another mistake by shifting here and stretching ourselves so badly. We have now backed ourselves into a corner because we can't sell either place (the market is so bad) and we are stuck here hoping for a miracle :(
Of course I still feel lonely. Funny how a mother of 6 can feel lonely... but I do. I am all alone. I have no one to talk to and no one that really gives a crap (except Dan but he is busy trying to tread water just like me). I miss my Mum. If she were here I know she would care and I know she would try to help me out - truth is if she were here I probably wouldn't be like this.
So there you have it... the ugly truth! Now I will hop back into my shell and plaster on my brave face so I can face the world again tomorrow and try to pretend like everything is fine. I am sure I will feel better again in a few days.. not totally fixed because these issues have been plagueing me for the last 4 years but I will bounce back enough to carry on - I have to! I am Mum. (for what that's worth).
I feel like all I ever do online is whinge and complain but the truth of the matter is that no one is listening! I doubt anyone is even reading my blog any more... so here I go because if I don't get this out it just might eat me alive! It might be irrational and emotional and it might not even make any sense in parts but it is how I am feeling and right now that is scary :(
I don't like my life at all at the moment. In fact I go so far as to say I hate my life. I feel like a failure at parenting because I have an extremely short fuse and spend all my time screaming profanities at my children. I am one of 'those' mothers. I hate who I have become and today I have even been wondering if my family wouldn't be better off without me. I get so mad that I can feel the blood pulsing in my veins and I can hardly control my temper. Often I am driving at the time and thoughts flash through my mind of driving into the nearest tree with me and whatever kids are on board the bus at the time.
The level of stress that I live with is unbelievable. If I don't die from a heart attack or stress related disease before I am 40 I will be really really surprised. That means that the kids also live with that stress. There is so much screaming and fighting and threats of abuse in our house it's not funny and this is not once in a while... this is a daily occurrence... more than daily... all day long actually! It is not healthy for anyone and I hate the way the kids are growing up with it . They are becoming angry aggressive screaming little balls of stress.
I am so ashamed that this is the kind of mum that I have become. I am failing my family and especially my kids on so many levels :( I am embarrassed to admit that I feel like I made a huge mistake. I had too many kids and I can't physically or emotionally handle parenting them all. There is just not enough of me to go around. I am impatient, cranky and angry instead of the loving kind and nurturing mother that I always thought I would be. They all have their own unique problems and issues that need my attention and I feel like I just can't give them what they need. That kills me inside, almost as much as knowing that they are growing up and will remember that their mum constantly says that she hates being their mother, that she hates her life and that she wants to run away and never come back... how bad is that? I am truly damaging them forever right now and I just don't know how to stop it.
Our stress is totally added to by the financial issues are are facing. We are STILL trying to sell our Baldivis house and we just don't have enough money to make ends meet at the moment. We can't even afford to pay the bills and living expenses let alone any money for me to get some help with cleaning or the kids (daycare or nanny etc..) or for me to spend on exercise activities for myself to try and get my mind in the right place. SO I feel like we have made another mistake by shifting here and stretching ourselves so badly. We have now backed ourselves into a corner because we can't sell either place (the market is so bad) and we are stuck here hoping for a miracle :(
Of course I still feel lonely. Funny how a mother of 6 can feel lonely... but I do. I am all alone. I have no one to talk to and no one that really gives a crap (except Dan but he is busy trying to tread water just like me). I miss my Mum. If she were here I know she would care and I know she would try to help me out - truth is if she were here I probably wouldn't be like this.
So there you have it... the ugly truth! Now I will hop back into my shell and plaster on my brave face so I can face the world again tomorrow and try to pretend like everything is fine. I am sure I will feel better again in a few days.. not totally fixed because these issues have been plagueing me for the last 4 years but I will bounce back enough to carry on - I have to! I am Mum. (for what that's worth).
Sunday, 12 June 2011
A quiet day at home...
Today I am spending a quiet day at home with the four youngest while Dan is with Lachlan at Go Karting and Cody has gone along to watch for the day. So far it's midday and all I have managed is to have a shower and get dressed...ooops! LOL! There is a lot of housework to be done but I am procrastinating and spending time on the computer so thought I would do a quick blog post before actually achieving anything today :)
I've had a busy weekend so far! Friday night I went out to Carousel with some girlfriends for Dinner and a few drinks so that made a nice change - it was great to go out and let my hair down a bit! Got home around midnight so not too late but still managed to drink a nice amount of white wine and feel it's effects the next morning ;)
Saturday I got up and took Niamh to Ballet (Isla came with me) then rushed to the shops for presents, wrapping paper and a few essentials. Back to Ballet to pick up Niamh and then straight to her little friend Katie's house for a birthday party. After the party finished we went to Rockingham City as I didn't have any clothes to wear Saturday night for Taylah's Confirmation. Home after shopping and got ready to go out to church. Niamh came with me in the evening and after Mass we went back to Kim and Tom's for supper and to give Taylah her presents. Finally got back home around midnight again!!
So all in all nothing too exciting but still a busy weekend.... story of my life really!
I've been feeling really uncomfortable with myself lately so I am also sitting here reflecting. I need to lose weight. Plain and simple!! I am the biggest I have ever been at the moment and I hate it!! I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel and I am just not happy! I know I can do something about it but my main issue is that when I am trying to lose weight I am most motivated when I can exercise aswell. I am finding that with a lack of funds for gym memberships or hiring equipment that is almost impossible :( Winter weather is here and I am always with the kids so there is no other real way of getting anything done and when I don't exercise my mind just isn't in the right place... unfortunately I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person.
Another thing that has been bothering me is finances.... We are having a real tough time at the moment for the first time in about 10 years and it's not a nice feeling. We have had our Baldivis house on the market for about 7 months and it is just not selling. We have now dropped the price three times and we are at the lowest point we can possibly sell it for... I am just praying that it sells soon :( I love living on our 5 acres but there are so many things that I want to change about the house.. unfortunately for now that is just a Lotto dream and I don't ever see us being able to do those things unless life changes drastically. Right now I would settle with being able to pay bills and occasionally having enough money to go somewhere on the weekends with my husband and kids.
I know I shouldn't complain though... I am blessed with a healthy happy family and that is all that really matters. We have what we need... a roof over our heads and food on the table. Clothes on our backs and love for each other <3 I am sure that things will change financially for us... we just have to hang in there and stick it out.
Oh well... I've got a little girl here who is desperate for me to do puzzles and board games with her so I had better go and do the mummy thing. Next time I will try to add some more photos of our 'new' house and the kids.
M
xx
I've had a busy weekend so far! Friday night I went out to Carousel with some girlfriends for Dinner and a few drinks so that made a nice change - it was great to go out and let my hair down a bit! Got home around midnight so not too late but still managed to drink a nice amount of white wine and feel it's effects the next morning ;)
Saturday I got up and took Niamh to Ballet (Isla came with me) then rushed to the shops for presents, wrapping paper and a few essentials. Back to Ballet to pick up Niamh and then straight to her little friend Katie's house for a birthday party. After the party finished we went to Rockingham City as I didn't have any clothes to wear Saturday night for Taylah's Confirmation. Home after shopping and got ready to go out to church. Niamh came with me in the evening and after Mass we went back to Kim and Tom's for supper and to give Taylah her presents. Finally got back home around midnight again!!
So all in all nothing too exciting but still a busy weekend.... story of my life really!
I've been feeling really uncomfortable with myself lately so I am also sitting here reflecting. I need to lose weight. Plain and simple!! I am the biggest I have ever been at the moment and I hate it!! I hate shopping for clothes, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel and I am just not happy! I know I can do something about it but my main issue is that when I am trying to lose weight I am most motivated when I can exercise aswell. I am finding that with a lack of funds for gym memberships or hiring equipment that is almost impossible :( Winter weather is here and I am always with the kids so there is no other real way of getting anything done and when I don't exercise my mind just isn't in the right place... unfortunately I seem to be an all or nothing kind of person.
Another thing that has been bothering me is finances.... We are having a real tough time at the moment for the first time in about 10 years and it's not a nice feeling. We have had our Baldivis house on the market for about 7 months and it is just not selling. We have now dropped the price three times and we are at the lowest point we can possibly sell it for... I am just praying that it sells soon :( I love living on our 5 acres but there are so many things that I want to change about the house.. unfortunately for now that is just a Lotto dream and I don't ever see us being able to do those things unless life changes drastically. Right now I would settle with being able to pay bills and occasionally having enough money to go somewhere on the weekends with my husband and kids.
I know I shouldn't complain though... I am blessed with a healthy happy family and that is all that really matters. We have what we need... a roof over our heads and food on the table. Clothes on our backs and love for each other <3 I am sure that things will change financially for us... we just have to hang in there and stick it out.
Oh well... I've got a little girl here who is desperate for me to do puzzles and board games with her so I had better go and do the mummy thing. Next time I will try to add some more photos of our 'new' house and the kids.
M
xx
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
It's almost the middle of the year! Ooops!
I know I said I would be back and update... but here we are in June and I haven't kept my promise! I doubt anybody still reads my blog anyway but I like to be able to look back on it myself and see how far we have come and how things have changed!
SO what have we been up to?
The twins have settled right in to Kindy and are loving being at school. They do every Tuesday and every Thursday and then every alternate Friday. At the moment they are still very demanding and I find myself more often than not wondering when they are going to grow up. I know that sounds horrible and I am not wishing their childhood away, rather their insane need to throw a tantrum over the smallest irrational things.... climbing into car seats on their own... getting the right colour cup or bowl... having their sandwiches cut in whichever manner they deem necessary on that particular day... you know the kind of thing I am talking about - it's enough to drive anyone mental!!
Isla is now two and a half and no longer a little baby. She is a big girl and hardly ever uses a pram any more. She sleeps in a big bed and sits on a proper kids dining chair... no more babies for me! It's a weird feeling.. I have done babies so intensely for so many years that I am nervous about what lies ahead. Isla is turning into a gorgeous little girl though <3 She is totally obsessed with 'the Fairies' and dressing up as a fairy. All she wears all day long are various fairy dresses and wings and watches 'The Fairies' DVD's on continuous loop when I let her! She has started doing 'Fairy Dancing' at the local fairies shop in Rockingham and is LOVING every minute of it - so cute!! She is a pretty easy going kid and doesn't require a lot of attention but at the same time she surely lets you know when she is not happy or she wants something, LOL!
Niamh is in Pre Primary and going well. She is enjoying school and does Dancing twice a week at Betty Bentley Dance Academy in Port Kennedy, which she really really enjoys! Lachlan and Cody are also doing really well. They are year 4 and year 2 respectively. Lachlan is still struggling academically but we are working hard to build up his self esteem and help him adjust his attitude to school. He is still go karting on the weekends and lives for it! Cody is a natural at school and doesn't even need to try.... though I am sure that if he would try he would of course do even better! He tends to cruise along quite easily so sometimes I think I don't actually pay enough attention... but he can also be a little bit...dare I say... lazy? and does the bare minimum to get through (even though it is usually easy for him!)
As a family : Last weekend we went to Kalgoorlie for Dana's 30th birthday. It was a nice weekend and the kids loved catching up with their little cousins! We stayed at Rod and Dana's and just spent a few chilled out days with them before making the 600k (odd) journey home again. The kids were surprisingly well behaved in the car on the way there and we only made one stop. The drive home was a little more painful but they were still pretty good. The twins did a fair bit of screaming and whinging until the last 100k's or so when we sat Lach between them and had him hold my iPad so they could watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
All in all we have just been busy with life. I will post some photos of the kids as soon as I get a chance... I need to go get the troops dinner ready now but I will be back to play some more soon....
SO what have we been up to?
The twins have settled right in to Kindy and are loving being at school. They do every Tuesday and every Thursday and then every alternate Friday. At the moment they are still very demanding and I find myself more often than not wondering when they are going to grow up. I know that sounds horrible and I am not wishing their childhood away, rather their insane need to throw a tantrum over the smallest irrational things.... climbing into car seats on their own... getting the right colour cup or bowl... having their sandwiches cut in whichever manner they deem necessary on that particular day... you know the kind of thing I am talking about - it's enough to drive anyone mental!!
Isla is now two and a half and no longer a little baby. She is a big girl and hardly ever uses a pram any more. She sleeps in a big bed and sits on a proper kids dining chair... no more babies for me! It's a weird feeling.. I have done babies so intensely for so many years that I am nervous about what lies ahead. Isla is turning into a gorgeous little girl though <3 She is totally obsessed with 'the Fairies' and dressing up as a fairy. All she wears all day long are various fairy dresses and wings and watches 'The Fairies' DVD's on continuous loop when I let her! She has started doing 'Fairy Dancing' at the local fairies shop in Rockingham and is LOVING every minute of it - so cute!! She is a pretty easy going kid and doesn't require a lot of attention but at the same time she surely lets you know when she is not happy or she wants something, LOL!
Niamh is in Pre Primary and going well. She is enjoying school and does Dancing twice a week at Betty Bentley Dance Academy in Port Kennedy, which she really really enjoys! Lachlan and Cody are also doing really well. They are year 4 and year 2 respectively. Lachlan is still struggling academically but we are working hard to build up his self esteem and help him adjust his attitude to school. He is still go karting on the weekends and lives for it! Cody is a natural at school and doesn't even need to try.... though I am sure that if he would try he would of course do even better! He tends to cruise along quite easily so sometimes I think I don't actually pay enough attention... but he can also be a little bit...dare I say... lazy? and does the bare minimum to get through (even though it is usually easy for him!)
As a family : Last weekend we went to Kalgoorlie for Dana's 30th birthday. It was a nice weekend and the kids loved catching up with their little cousins! We stayed at Rod and Dana's and just spent a few chilled out days with them before making the 600k (odd) journey home again. The kids were surprisingly well behaved in the car on the way there and we only made one stop. The drive home was a little more painful but they were still pretty good. The twins did a fair bit of screaming and whinging until the last 100k's or so when we sat Lach between them and had him hold my iPad so they could watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
All in all we have just been busy with life. I will post some photos of the kids as soon as I get a chance... I need to go get the troops dinner ready now but I will be back to play some more soon....
Thursday, 6 January 2011
2011 - The year of ME!!
I am back!! :D It's been ages since I have posted and so much has happened. I won't go into great detail except to say that We have now shifted to our new house in Wellard on 5 acres and it was the best decision we could have made for ourselves. I feel at home here and the kids absolutely love all of the space! They can kick balls, ride bikes, run around and play on the trampoline etc..
We also got a puppy dog just before christmas - a gorgeous little black Lab called Vada. She is such a cutie and has been so well behaved. She is already such a huge part of our family and I couldn't imagine living here and not having her, we all adore her!
I am still taking my Lexapro but I am finally ok with that! I feel like I am coping well with life and although I will always miss Mum, and although Dan and I have been through a hell of a few years it is now time to start looking forward as best we can. I am ok with taking the tablets at the moment because I know that they are supporting me and just helping me to be a better mum to the kids. Without them I was a grumpy, miserable, screaming mess but now I am much more balanced and feeling positive for the first time in a long time (probably a combination of time healing some wounds, and the Lexapro)
So... here we are the beginning of 2011 and I am feeling ready to face the world! I have decided that this is going to be the year of ME. It is time I start putting my own needs and wants first (something I haven't done for a long time!) I need to focus on getting healthier and eating better and also on exercising and feeling better about myself.I need to lose about 15 kilos so I intend on doing that this year with the aid of Weight Watchers and their new Pro Points program.
Max and Blake go off to Kindy this year (hard to believe that when I started this blog I was just pregnant with them!!) It will be a bittersweet moment for me. I am SO looking forward to having just Isla at home with me and FINALLY being able to have some sort of a normal life for at least two or three days a week!! On the flipside I feel like they are still very 'young' and I'm not sure how they will go - but they are very excited and I am keen to see how they adapt to school life :)
I also plan on spending a little bit of time finding a hobby that I can enjoy.. maybe some scrapbooking or sewing again.. It's been so long since I have done anything like that just for the joy of it - it will feel weird but I think this last 4 years I have earned it!
*sigh* oh well... school holidays at the moment I have the kids whinging at me for food and drinks so I had better go! I promise to keep updating through the year and document my 'year of me'.
M
xx
We also got a puppy dog just before christmas - a gorgeous little black Lab called Vada. She is such a cutie and has been so well behaved. She is already such a huge part of our family and I couldn't imagine living here and not having her, we all adore her!
I am still taking my Lexapro but I am finally ok with that! I feel like I am coping well with life and although I will always miss Mum, and although Dan and I have been through a hell of a few years it is now time to start looking forward as best we can. I am ok with taking the tablets at the moment because I know that they are supporting me and just helping me to be a better mum to the kids. Without them I was a grumpy, miserable, screaming mess but now I am much more balanced and feeling positive for the first time in a long time (probably a combination of time healing some wounds, and the Lexapro)
So... here we are the beginning of 2011 and I am feeling ready to face the world! I have decided that this is going to be the year of ME. It is time I start putting my own needs and wants first (something I haven't done for a long time!) I need to focus on getting healthier and eating better and also on exercising and feeling better about myself.I need to lose about 15 kilos so I intend on doing that this year with the aid of Weight Watchers and their new Pro Points program.
Max and Blake go off to Kindy this year (hard to believe that when I started this blog I was just pregnant with them!!) It will be a bittersweet moment for me. I am SO looking forward to having just Isla at home with me and FINALLY being able to have some sort of a normal life for at least two or three days a week!! On the flipside I feel like they are still very 'young' and I'm not sure how they will go - but they are very excited and I am keen to see how they adapt to school life :)
I also plan on spending a little bit of time finding a hobby that I can enjoy.. maybe some scrapbooking or sewing again.. It's been so long since I have done anything like that just for the joy of it - it will feel weird but I think this last 4 years I have earned it!
*sigh* oh well... school holidays at the moment I have the kids whinging at me for food and drinks so I had better go! I promise to keep updating through the year and document my 'year of me'.
M
xx
Friday, 9 July 2010
woe is me..... (again)
Be warned... this post is likely to turn into a full blown pity party!
It has been 13 days since I hurt my ankle and in that time I have spent 95% of each day with my butt firmly planted in the same position on the couch!! To say I am over it is an understatement!!
Since my last post I have been to see the Orthopedic Surgeon at Murdoch and the good news is that he says there is a 90% chance that I will recover fine and not need surgery. My ankle is a lovely array of blues blacks and greens (now beginning to turn to yellows) from my toes to mid calf and it is still extremely painful to move or place any weight upon. The cast has now been removed and I have had a 'boot' fitted. The boot is like a massive plastic brace that covers my lower leg to my knee. It has a rocking base on the bottom that is supposed to allow me to learn to walk on it. I have affectionately named it 'robo-boot' and it looks like something out of transformers or star wars! LOL!
As I kind of expected, the help is drying up. My friends were fantastic in the first week when I hurt myself but it's school holidays now and everyone has their own kids to deal with too. My Dad would do anything to help me but he is away in the UK visiting Darrin at the moment so it's just us! I am beginning to think that the universe is trying to teach me something about survival and dealing with adversity alone :(
I DO count myself lucky that I have been able to get the in home daycare help back for at least 6 weeks. I contacted them last week saying I didn't know what I was going to do and they have been very helpful. Even though I am able to get up on my crutches and move around a little bit now, I am still finding it incredibly difficult to do anything. I can't pick up the kids, I can't make them lunch, I can't make myself any food or even carry a cup of coffee... basically I am stuck :(
I have started seeing a physio yesterday and he was nice enough, though BRUTAL!! I am still wincing from the pain and the worst thing is I have to go back again today and again tomorrow (and then half a week after that) I think I will be seeing him for quite a few sessions. He said that he didn't usually get excited by ankles, but that I had done a really good job and had a whole shopping list of things I had done to it. There are three torn ligaments and the broken bone and although the bone is what is causing a lot of pain, the one ligament that will cause the most trouble is the one holding the tibia and fibula together above my ankle. Somehow I managed to tear that one and that might mean that down the track my ankle will stiffen and loose range of motion again as an ongoing problem :( Hello expensive physio bills!!! :(
Now, to get to these physio appointments I need someone to drive me. It seems that there is no one so guess what?!?? although it's pouring with rain and thunder and lightning outside I am attempting to hobble my way into the drivers seat and drive myself there! (also have a psych appointment today, I could cancel it but I think I need it!) I am sure I will be fine. I *can* manage it.. but it's far from ideal and far from comfortable and easy :(
SO.. there you have it! I am sitting here feeling totally miserable. Fed up of feeling the pain, fed up of taking a million tablets, having to listen to daycare ladies look after my kids in ways that I don't do things (and to be honest, quite frequently only two or three of them are being looked after while the others are left to wander the house and fend for themselves!!!!) I am sick of everything being a challenge and I feel like I just want to burst into tears :'( I know I will be fine, I know this will pass and I will heal and everything will return to 'normal' but for now I am indulging my self pity!!
It has been 13 days since I hurt my ankle and in that time I have spent 95% of each day with my butt firmly planted in the same position on the couch!! To say I am over it is an understatement!!
Since my last post I have been to see the Orthopedic Surgeon at Murdoch and the good news is that he says there is a 90% chance that I will recover fine and not need surgery. My ankle is a lovely array of blues blacks and greens (now beginning to turn to yellows) from my toes to mid calf and it is still extremely painful to move or place any weight upon. The cast has now been removed and I have had a 'boot' fitted. The boot is like a massive plastic brace that covers my lower leg to my knee. It has a rocking base on the bottom that is supposed to allow me to learn to walk on it. I have affectionately named it 'robo-boot' and it looks like something out of transformers or star wars! LOL!
As I kind of expected, the help is drying up. My friends were fantastic in the first week when I hurt myself but it's school holidays now and everyone has their own kids to deal with too. My Dad would do anything to help me but he is away in the UK visiting Darrin at the moment so it's just us! I am beginning to think that the universe is trying to teach me something about survival and dealing with adversity alone :(
I DO count myself lucky that I have been able to get the in home daycare help back for at least 6 weeks. I contacted them last week saying I didn't know what I was going to do and they have been very helpful. Even though I am able to get up on my crutches and move around a little bit now, I am still finding it incredibly difficult to do anything. I can't pick up the kids, I can't make them lunch, I can't make myself any food or even carry a cup of coffee... basically I am stuck :(
I have started seeing a physio yesterday and he was nice enough, though BRUTAL!! I am still wincing from the pain and the worst thing is I have to go back again today and again tomorrow (and then half a week after that) I think I will be seeing him for quite a few sessions. He said that he didn't usually get excited by ankles, but that I had done a really good job and had a whole shopping list of things I had done to it. There are three torn ligaments and the broken bone and although the bone is what is causing a lot of pain, the one ligament that will cause the most trouble is the one holding the tibia and fibula together above my ankle. Somehow I managed to tear that one and that might mean that down the track my ankle will stiffen and loose range of motion again as an ongoing problem :( Hello expensive physio bills!!! :(
Now, to get to these physio appointments I need someone to drive me. It seems that there is no one so guess what?!?? although it's pouring with rain and thunder and lightning outside I am attempting to hobble my way into the drivers seat and drive myself there! (also have a psych appointment today, I could cancel it but I think I need it!) I am sure I will be fine. I *can* manage it.. but it's far from ideal and far from comfortable and easy :(
SO.. there you have it! I am sitting here feeling totally miserable. Fed up of feeling the pain, fed up of taking a million tablets, having to listen to daycare ladies look after my kids in ways that I don't do things (and to be honest, quite frequently only two or three of them are being looked after while the others are left to wander the house and fend for themselves!!!!) I am sick of everything being a challenge and I feel like I just want to burst into tears :'( I know I will be fine, I know this will pass and I will heal and everything will return to 'normal' but for now I am indulging my self pity!!
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
oh nooooooo!
Well after my last upbeat blog post declaring my new health kick I thought it was time to pop back in and update on what's been happening!!
On Saturday night I went out to a party plan party down the road with a few girlfriends. Was having a nice night and had drunk about three glasses of wine when I decided to come back home for something. In quite a good mood, I broke into a jog just outside my house and thought I'd jog off the road and up the kerb and up the driveway......WRONG!! I changed levels from the road to the kerb and landed funny on the side of my foot. I went down HARD and felt a big crunch/tear/pop sound as I went down. OMG!!! I have never felt so much pain in my life :( I was in total agony!!
My friend Jo took me to the emergency department at Rockingham hospital and I was seen fairly quickly. They did an xray and no break was seen so I was told that I had most likely torn a ligament in my ankle. I was given a tubigrip bandage and told to get a pair of crutches from the chemist as I would be off my foot for about 6 weeks!!
I came home and put up with the pain all night long, getting no more than about 10 mins sleep at a time on the lounge chair. The whole of Sunday was much the same. I sat on the couch in tears all day and really wasn't coping too well at all. By the time Monday came around I was still suffering a lot and decided that I might have to go back to a Dr or emergency department if it didn't settle.
By monday night my toes were really starting to swell and go blue. The blood flow was really restricted by that tubigrip bandage and I didn't quite know what to do so Dad came over and took me up to Murdoch emergency department while Dan stayed home and put the kids to bed. I was seen fairly quickly at Murdoch and they gave me a larger tubigrip bandage and a referral for a CT scan to be done.
Today (Tuesday) I rang up and got an appointment at 10am for the CT scan. Dad drove me up to get it done and then we had to wait till 2.30 for the report to be ready. After wasting the day at Dad's we went back to get the report and it read that I had managed to tear 3 ligaments and fracture a small bone near the ankle joint too. Knowing what the report said I decided to call into the GP office that I usually go to and ask them to have a look at the report for me. Luckily they squeezed me in with a Dr and she took a look at the report. She then organized to put a half cast on my ankle and gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon! So that is where I am at now.. sitting at home with a big cast on my very sore ankle and I need to call tomorrow to make an appointment with a specialist. Needless to say I am not a very happy girl at the moment :(
Obviously the exercise plan is out the window at the moment as I can't even stand on two feet. I am on crutches and will be for a while yet. I have had a lot of great help from my friends and family over the last few days but I am aware that I will need help for a long time and I can't expect that they will continue at the level they have for as long as I need so I am not too sure how I will manage.
Oh well... I will find a way and I will update when I figure out what that way is and how I am going to get through this :(
M
xx
On Saturday night I went out to a party plan party down the road with a few girlfriends. Was having a nice night and had drunk about three glasses of wine when I decided to come back home for something. In quite a good mood, I broke into a jog just outside my house and thought I'd jog off the road and up the kerb and up the driveway......WRONG!! I changed levels from the road to the kerb and landed funny on the side of my foot. I went down HARD and felt a big crunch/tear/pop sound as I went down. OMG!!! I have never felt so much pain in my life :( I was in total agony!!
My friend Jo took me to the emergency department at Rockingham hospital and I was seen fairly quickly. They did an xray and no break was seen so I was told that I had most likely torn a ligament in my ankle. I was given a tubigrip bandage and told to get a pair of crutches from the chemist as I would be off my foot for about 6 weeks!!
I came home and put up with the pain all night long, getting no more than about 10 mins sleep at a time on the lounge chair. The whole of Sunday was much the same. I sat on the couch in tears all day and really wasn't coping too well at all. By the time Monday came around I was still suffering a lot and decided that I might have to go back to a Dr or emergency department if it didn't settle.
By monday night my toes were really starting to swell and go blue. The blood flow was really restricted by that tubigrip bandage and I didn't quite know what to do so Dad came over and took me up to Murdoch emergency department while Dan stayed home and put the kids to bed. I was seen fairly quickly at Murdoch and they gave me a larger tubigrip bandage and a referral for a CT scan to be done.
Today (Tuesday) I rang up and got an appointment at 10am for the CT scan. Dad drove me up to get it done and then we had to wait till 2.30 for the report to be ready. After wasting the day at Dad's we went back to get the report and it read that I had managed to tear 3 ligaments and fracture a small bone near the ankle joint too. Knowing what the report said I decided to call into the GP office that I usually go to and ask them to have a look at the report for me. Luckily they squeezed me in with a Dr and she took a look at the report. She then organized to put a half cast on my ankle and gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon! So that is where I am at now.. sitting at home with a big cast on my very sore ankle and I need to call tomorrow to make an appointment with a specialist. Needless to say I am not a very happy girl at the moment :(
Obviously the exercise plan is out the window at the moment as I can't even stand on two feet. I am on crutches and will be for a while yet. I have had a lot of great help from my friends and family over the last few days but I am aware that I will need help for a long time and I can't expect that they will continue at the level they have for as long as I need so I am not too sure how I will manage.
Oh well... I will find a way and I will update when I figure out what that way is and how I am going to get through this :(
M
xx
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
it's been a while...
It's been a while since I've been here! It's been a very tough year, my toughest so far. I've learnt a lot of things this past year and have grown a lot as a person. I have been in a very dark place and am now starting to come out the other side. It's a process and one that I have been working very hard on but I really feel proud to say that the world is starting to look a lot brighter to me these days.
I struggled with myself for a long time before I admitted that I needed help but when I finally found a good GP and confided in her I can honestly say that my healing began. She started me on anti depressants (another thing I swore I would never 'give in' to - as if being on them was somehow admitting defeat!) and I have also been seeing a fantastic Psychologist who has helped me challenge a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs and accept a new reality for myself and my family.
I have been making an effort to get out there and have a social life - both with the kids and on my own and I think we are all happier for it. I have also realized that my belief that I should be able to 'do it all on my own' is neither helpful or true. I often worry too much about what others think of me and have had the impression before that people think that 'she had all those kids, she should be able to handle it all on her own and not need any help' I have come to realize with the help of my counsellor that I should not be worrying so much about what other people think and should be concentrating on looking after myself so that I can look after my family the way I want to and the way they deserve! Everyone has their own 'issues' and often others opinions of me and my family are a direct reflection of their own problems.
The in-home care thing didn't really work out for us but I have now got the little three in daycare two days a week at different family day care homes. They seem to love it and are more than happy to go and play with other little kids and it gives me a chance to do all those Drs appointments, kids appointments and various errands as well as all the housework that is always waiting... and yes... even spend a little guilt free time for myself!
Now that I am underway in the process of caring for my mind... it's time I started thinking about my body. For the last year I have been trying to eat away my feelings. I feel sad.. I eat! I feel trapped in my life... I eat! I feel fat... I eat! clearly, it's not really working for me. I have gained 10 kilos and now it's time to shift it again and start to feel better on the outside and the inside. I have hired a treadmill again and I am determined to attempt at least 30 mins of exercise every day. I have also signed up for weight watchers online in an attempt to track what I am eating and keep myself honest. I will also try to update here on a weekly basis as another method to keep me on track!
So here we go...onward and upward from here!
M.
xx
I struggled with myself for a long time before I admitted that I needed help but when I finally found a good GP and confided in her I can honestly say that my healing began. She started me on anti depressants (another thing I swore I would never 'give in' to - as if being on them was somehow admitting defeat!) and I have also been seeing a fantastic Psychologist who has helped me challenge a lot of my own thoughts and beliefs and accept a new reality for myself and my family.
I have been making an effort to get out there and have a social life - both with the kids and on my own and I think we are all happier for it. I have also realized that my belief that I should be able to 'do it all on my own' is neither helpful or true. I often worry too much about what others think of me and have had the impression before that people think that 'she had all those kids, she should be able to handle it all on her own and not need any help' I have come to realize with the help of my counsellor that I should not be worrying so much about what other people think and should be concentrating on looking after myself so that I can look after my family the way I want to and the way they deserve! Everyone has their own 'issues' and often others opinions of me and my family are a direct reflection of their own problems.
The in-home care thing didn't really work out for us but I have now got the little three in daycare two days a week at different family day care homes. They seem to love it and are more than happy to go and play with other little kids and it gives me a chance to do all those Drs appointments, kids appointments and various errands as well as all the housework that is always waiting... and yes... even spend a little guilt free time for myself!
Now that I am underway in the process of caring for my mind... it's time I started thinking about my body. For the last year I have been trying to eat away my feelings. I feel sad.. I eat! I feel trapped in my life... I eat! I feel fat... I eat! clearly, it's not really working for me. I have gained 10 kilos and now it's time to shift it again and start to feel better on the outside and the inside. I have hired a treadmill again and I am determined to attempt at least 30 mins of exercise every day. I have also signed up for weight watchers online in an attempt to track what I am eating and keep myself honest. I will also try to update here on a weekly basis as another method to keep me on track!
So here we go...onward and upward from here!
M.
xx
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
things are looking up!
Ok, After my last dismal post I thought it was time to come back in and update on where I am at. I have been feeling very low and not coping with life in general but after my lowest of lows a few weeks ago I realised that I cannot go on like this and so have begun to take some measures to help myself out of this rutt.
I decided that I need people. Plain and simple. I have always been a people person and I always will be. I crave the adult companionship and conversation and cannot stand only being exposed to endless episodes of playschool and 2 year old tantrums with nothing to break it up. It is with this in mind that I have decided to put in some more effort and get out there. When mum was around it was always her that I turned to. We were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends too! We enjoyed each others company and we spent a lot of time together each week. Since she has been gone I have had no one. I spend day after day on my own (well, surrounded by little kids) and it's not good for me.
I have decided that firstly I need more than the one day of daycare. I decided to call Karen, our old in-home care lady and see if she was free to come back on Tuesdays. She will be starting the week after next and having her here on Tuesdays will allow me to still see my kids on those days but make it possible for me to do whatever errands are needed, food shopping, cleaning etc.. and also another day to make any Dr. appointments or the like - just basically giving me a bit more freedom to move!
Mondays I have decided to get back together with my 'mums group' friends. These girls have been my friends since our firsts were born 8 years ago and we have formed some fantastic friendships. I have missed seeing them regularly and the little kids have missed out on 'mothers group' meetings so we are starting a regular monday meet again.
Wednesdays I am planning on doing a similar thing with Katie and Jules who I went to high school with. These girls have known me forever. They know everything about me and my family and I them. It's a very comfortable feeling and great to re-connect with them and their kids. We plan on doing a kind of 'portable' playgroup where we just meet at different locations decided the night before. Sometimes our houses, sometimes parks etc.. It should be great and the kids will love getting out and about with them too!
Thursdays are my 'free' day. The three bigger kids are at school and the three little ones go to family day care so it's my chance to do whatever I want for me! I can go shopping, take myself to the movies, come home and sleep - whatever! I want to try and keep this day free to be spontaneous and not booked up with things I HAVE to do - that way I hope it will be refreshing and relaxing - just all about me!
Fridays I am considering taking the 4 little ones to the library story time session. It's free, it's close to home and hopefully it will teach the kids about how they have to behave as they get ready for school next year. (wish me luck!)
So there you have it! Things are looking up! I have a plan :) It will still be hard work but I am feeling more positive and determined to get out there and live life instead of sitting at home feeling defeated.
Marnie
I decided that I need people. Plain and simple. I have always been a people person and I always will be. I crave the adult companionship and conversation and cannot stand only being exposed to endless episodes of playschool and 2 year old tantrums with nothing to break it up. It is with this in mind that I have decided to put in some more effort and get out there. When mum was around it was always her that I turned to. We were more than just mother and daughter, we were friends too! We enjoyed each others company and we spent a lot of time together each week. Since she has been gone I have had no one. I spend day after day on my own (well, surrounded by little kids) and it's not good for me.
I have decided that firstly I need more than the one day of daycare. I decided to call Karen, our old in-home care lady and see if she was free to come back on Tuesdays. She will be starting the week after next and having her here on Tuesdays will allow me to still see my kids on those days but make it possible for me to do whatever errands are needed, food shopping, cleaning etc.. and also another day to make any Dr. appointments or the like - just basically giving me a bit more freedom to move!
Mondays I have decided to get back together with my 'mums group' friends. These girls have been my friends since our firsts were born 8 years ago and we have formed some fantastic friendships. I have missed seeing them regularly and the little kids have missed out on 'mothers group' meetings so we are starting a regular monday meet again.
Wednesdays I am planning on doing a similar thing with Katie and Jules who I went to high school with. These girls have known me forever. They know everything about me and my family and I them. It's a very comfortable feeling and great to re-connect with them and their kids. We plan on doing a kind of 'portable' playgroup where we just meet at different locations decided the night before. Sometimes our houses, sometimes parks etc.. It should be great and the kids will love getting out and about with them too!
Thursdays are my 'free' day. The three bigger kids are at school and the three little ones go to family day care so it's my chance to do whatever I want for me! I can go shopping, take myself to the movies, come home and sleep - whatever! I want to try and keep this day free to be spontaneous and not booked up with things I HAVE to do - that way I hope it will be refreshing and relaxing - just all about me!
Fridays I am considering taking the 4 little ones to the library story time session. It's free, it's close to home and hopefully it will teach the kids about how they have to behave as they get ready for school next year. (wish me luck!)
So there you have it! Things are looking up! I have a plan :) It will still be hard work but I am feeling more positive and determined to get out there and live life instead of sitting at home feeling defeated.
Marnie
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
A sad state of affairs!
I have recently come to realise a pretty sad truth.... I have forgotten how to be happy! It was at least two and a half years since the last time I was truly happy. I am tired of being miserable. I am tired of hating my life. I am sick of every tiny task feeling like a huge battle. I am tired of being angry and abusive to my kids who don't deserve it. I am exhausted. I am alone. I see no end in sight!
I just had to get that out there.... tomorrow I will go back to getting on with it because I am 'mum', that is my job and there is no escaping that!
**disclaimer - PLEASE do not respond. I do not want a response. I do not want sympathy, that's not why I posted this.. I just needed to tell it to someone - even if that someone is no one!**
I just had to get that out there.... tomorrow I will go back to getting on with it because I am 'mum', that is my job and there is no escaping that!
**disclaimer - PLEASE do not respond. I do not want a response. I do not want sympathy, that's not why I posted this.. I just needed to tell it to someone - even if that someone is no one!**
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