Two steps forward, one step back!

I feel like we are progressing but very very slowly! Max and Blake are now both off IV anti biotics and no longer under the phototherapy lights so that is a plus - but they are both still having a little trouble with the feeds at the moment. Yesterday Max was seeming to tolerate them well and was up to 8ml at a time but today that has changed. This morning they got quite large aspirates back out of his naso-gastric tube and then again at lunch time they got another 9ml back out (not too good when he had already dropped back to 4ml at a feed!) so they decided to withold two feeds in a row and then were starting him again this evening (on 3ml this time). Blake was already having a little trouble yesterday so they were only slowly introducing them back to him today and he is still only being given small amounts at each feed. I guess tomorrow morning we should have a clearer idea of how they are coping again and if we are heading forwards or backwards!

I can't believe how many tears I have cried this week. I am trying to be brave and feel like I am forever telling myself to pull it together and stop crying. I know in my brain that all is going to be ok and I am so very very grateful for that but I still feel so emotionally shattered. If I don't think about it too hard and no one asks me how I am going or is too kind to me I can manage to keep going and not fall apart at the seams! It is just so hard to see my babies lying there under the bright lights of the NICU and knowing that I can't do anything for them - not even give them cuddles whenever I want to :( It also plays on my mind how very close we came to a tradgedy a week ago and how lucky we are that the doctor was brave enough to take the actions that he did and deliver them (against that hospitals protocol) at that gestation. I have heard that the word aroun the hospital is "geez, that doctor's got balls!" and I know from the comments that I have heard regarding the urgency of the situation that he was fully expecting that it was a chance at least one of those babies could have stopped breathing at any moment. I also know that in theory he should have put us in an ambulance to King Edward Memorial Hospital and wiped his hands of us as that would have been the "right thing to do" but in hindsight his quick actions (although terrifying at the time!) could very well have saved my babies lives!

I have a headache and it's now midnight - I am off to bed!

Marnie.