What a week!!!

OMG!! What a week we have had! I will cut and paste from my birth story so as not to re-type it. I apologize in advance as it is rather long but I really found it useful to type it all out, like it helped me to process what had happened to me and to come to terms with it all.... so here it is....

Birth story of Max and Blake
28th May 2007
Max Kenneth – 4lb 2oz
Blake Daniel – 3lb 14 oz



Marnie : It was Monday morning and I was 31weeks and 2days pregnant with twin boys. By this stage I had had enough and was feeling really cheesed off with the whole pregnancy gig! I was huge and tired and not sleeping all that well so I had spent the night previous in and out of restless sleep and wishing that the pregnancy was over – I didn't know how close I was to getting that stupid wish!!

I headed off the the indoor playground (funstation, Rockingham) with Cody and Niamh after dropping Lachlan at school. I was meeting some friends (Teresa from EB and Shelley from EB and school) so at least I was looking forward to taking my mind off feeling sorry for myself. We met at 9.30am and the kids played together for a while. I was feeling ok and glad I had bothered to go out. Niamh was being her usual cheeky self and decided to run off up the big padded ladder to the big kids area. I called out to her to stop and of course she climbed faster, I jumped off my seat and followed her half way up the ladder where I caught her and said “no! You will fall and hurt yourself!!” I turned her around and held her in one arm facing outwards, half on my hip and half on my belly and started to walk back down the ladder. I am not sure what happened but the gravity shift with Niamh and my big belly out the front was enough to make me loose my balance and somehow my upper half went down the ladder faster than the rest of me! I stumbled and my feet hit the floor before I went down. I remember landing hard on the carpet with Niamh underneath me. My belly did come into contact with the floor but poor little Niamh kind of softende my fall too!

Apart from being incredibly embarrassed and upset that I might have hurt Niamh I was ok. After checking her all over I realised she was just frightened but ok, then I dropped my bundle and began to cry. My belly hurt a little with the fall but any pain soon subsided so I ignored it and went on with our play date. I sat there for another hour or so with my friends but I was really distracted and slightly worried that I may have done some damage to the babies. I could still feel them moving but I was slightly concerned.

Once we left the fun station I decided to call mum and tell her what had happened. She was concerned and told me to come over to her house so off we went. Once I had a chat to mum she convinced me to call the Dr (my Obstetrician) and just see what he said about it all. I don't usually like to make a fuss but I decided that I shouldn't argue so I made the call to Dr Greenland's room and spoke to the receptionist there. She went off to ask the Dr and then called me back to say that Dr. Greenland thought that I should just come up to the ward at the hospital and get checked to make sure all was ok. I was convinced that it was all a waste of time and I would be fine but I wanted the peace of mind so went on into St Mary's ward with Mum, Cody and Niamh in tow. In the driveway before we left I rang Dan at work and told him what had happened but not to worry – I was sure it was all fine and I would see him tonight!

We arrived at the ward and were taken to a room where the CTG monitors were put on my belly to trace the baby's heart rates. After about 40 mins on the machine it became obvious that twin 1 was getting stressed. His heart rate was low and kept on dipping in a cyclical manner and I could tell that the midwives were a bit concerned about it (even though they never actually voiced their concerns.) I was told that they would have to get the Dr to come over and have a look because it was a little bit worrying so at this point I am thinking – “oh-oh! , maybe I am going to have to get admitted for a while to be watched!” - how naïve am I??

Dr Greenland came over and had a look at the trace. After a few minutes of “hmmm-ing” while he looked he sat on the couch next to me, patted my leg and said “it would appear that baby is a bit pissed off!, I think you are going to have to have these babies!” He explained to me that baby 1 was stressed out and that we needed to get them out so that we could do something to help them. He also mentioned that usually at 31 weeks gestation they would put me in an ambulance to KEMH but that he didn't really want to take that risk because if something were to go wrong during the transfer they wouldn't be able to do anything about it en route!

It was at about this point that the phone rang and it was Dan wanting to check that all was ok with me and the bubs. It must have come as a huge shock to him when he asked “everything ok?” and I said “umm, I'm not sure, I'll call you back”. Overhearing the conversation, the midwife told me that Dan should come straight away. Not really knowing why, I told Dan he needed to come, so he dropped everything at work and left for the hospital. The next 20 mins or so are a bit of a blur in my head but I know I was given a consent form to sign (I wasn't even sure what I was consenting too, LOL! At that point I was still wondering if they were going to induce me, ha ha!) I was given a gown and told “change into that, you have two minutes!” I was put on a bed and they shaved me (ok, so now I realised I was having a ceaser!! Panic stations!! I didn't want a ceaser, I was afraid of that!! I was having a nice natural delivery just like my last three kids!!) There were people running everywhere getting changed into scrubs and calling things out to each other. I heard one midwife say to another in a really quiet voice “make sure there is lots of intubation equipment – we are going to need it!” OMG!! My heart was jumping out of my mouth – this was not supposed to happen this way!!

I had left my poor distraught mum standing with my two littlest in a pram and wondering what the hell to do. From what I gather she called Dad and Kim and they both came up to the hospital (Dad had collected Lachlan from school for us first!) They put the sides up on my bed and wheeled me off the theatre in a great hurry. There were people rushing everywhere and a feeling of stress and urgency in the air. As we were going into theatre the midwife pointed out the anesthatist and said “this is the man you speak to about previous epidural problems” he responded back “nope! We're not having one of those!, No time!” OK GREAT!! Now I am also getting a general!! I was really freaking out by now. The Dr commented to me afterwards that he heard my heart rate on the monitors and it was up around 190bpm!

I shuffled across onto the theatre table and lie there completely vulnerable while people stuck things on my chest, needles in my arms and a urinary catheter was inserted (all at the same time, I might add!) I was trying so hard to be brave but I was terrified! I tried to hold it all together and as I lie there with the mask over my face the last words I heard were “the husband is here now, can he come in for 2 secs?” and the answer that came “No! No time now, he'll have to wait”. I drifted off to sleep with a single tear running down my cheek.

When I awoke I was first aware of the feeling of choking. The tube was still down my throat and I was fighting against it and trying like mad to swallow. It felt like forever before it came out and I could breathe freely again, even though I think I wasn't actually fully conscious at that point I must have been aware enough to feel the tube in my throat. I slowly came around and remember lying in recovery with hot towells wrapped around my head and bright lights above me. I wanted to speak but wasn't able to get it out for ages. I kept thinking “what about my babies?” and finally I managed to croak out the words “my babies?” I was told they were doing fine and had gone off to the nursery. The next question I asked “is my husband with them?” to which I was told he was so I relaxed and decided to succumb to the pain relief drugs they were giving me.

While I was in recovery Dan was in the nursery with the babies. I will let him say what happened during that time:
Dan : Each of the bubs were attended to by a midwife who put the babies into their own isolette. They had a heart rate monitor and oxygen analyser attached to them. They're little heads and torsoes were put under the oxy domes. This time a radiographer and a portable x-ray machine were brought in and a series of chest x-rays were taken of TW1 and TW2.

Marnie : After I had recovered enough they wheeled me back to a room but we went via the nursery on the way. I saw Dan and he was looking awfully stressed – kinda like a deer caught in headlights! We saw the babies and they were in isolettes in the nursery, They looked ok to me but I really wasn't able to pay much attention. I put my hand in and stroked them on the legs but that was all I was able to do – there were no post birth cuddles for us :( Once back in the room Dad and Kim had arrived and Mum was still there with my kids. I couldn't really talk much and was a little doped out for the rest of the night.

After speaking to my three big kids for a little while in my room Mum and Dad took them home and Kim left Dan and I in the room for the night. The babies were in the nursery at Murdoch

Dan: The bubs were born at 3pm and i guess it was about 6pm when Dr Greenland came to see Marnz. He looked a little blank and apologised to Marnie, but explained that he didn't have a choice and was not prepared to leave the bubs in for a second longer than he had to. He said the peadiatrician that was in at the delivery, Dr Charlie Crompton, was assessing the bubs and there was a possiblilty that they would need to be tranfered to PMH. If they were transferred Marnie would have to stay at Murdoch. About half an hour later Dr Crompton came around and explained that TW2 was struggling to breath due to his immature lungs and he had called the WANTS (Western Australian Neonatal Transport Service) team to come and take TW2 to PMH. The WANTS team comprised of one ambulance, 2 ambos, one specialist doctor and two nurses. While they were here they would also assess TW1, who was doing marginally better, and decide if he also needed to be tranferred. By 7pm we were informed that the WANTS team had arrived and they would be quite a while assessing the bubs and preparing them for transport to PMH. Marnie's midwife for the night took me into see the bubs while the WANTS team was working on them. They didn't let me see too much but I spoke the doctor attending them and she explained that both the bubs would be tranferred that night. By 10pm we were told that they were leaving, so they wheeled Marnie's bed out into the coridor to see the bubs. Her view was very limited as the twins were in a specially designed stretcher and Marnie was very sore from the C-section. Time was critical and the bubs were taken away. After sitting with Marnz for another half hour or so I decided to head up to PMH to put both of our minds at some sort of ease. From Murdoch I headed home (20 min south) and grabbed Marnie's hospital suit case before heading up to PMH (40 min north from home). I arrived at PMH at about midmight and made my way to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), by now the bubs were on seperate resuss tables and both had a tubes down their throats and were on ventilators. Over the next half hour or so, another set of x-rays were taken as well as a heap of blood tests and other drips and tubes were attached/inserted. I had managed to take some photos of the bubs to take back to Marnz. One of the midwives asked if I wanted to go for a coffee as they were about to put the surfectant into TW2 and it was something I wouldn't want to see. I felt torn and wanted to get back to Marnz so I left then, which was about 12:45am.

Marnie : That whole first night was a blur to me. I don't really remember specifics. I know the WANTS team came, that the babies were assessed and taken and that at some point Dan went up to PMH to see them but I really don't remember the night at all. I think I was dozing most of the night and had the help of self administered pain relief (push the button when you want more drugs!) to stay relaxed!

On Tuesday morning Dan decided to go back into work to tie up a few loose ends and let them know what was going on. He left me at about 6.45am and headed off for a few hours. While he was gone the midwife came in and removed my catheter, PCA (the self administered drugs!), the drip and bung and then she helped me to get up and have a shower. I was very sore and stiff but glad to be out of the bed. They then asked me if I wanted to be shifted to a double bed room and that was organised. By the time Dan had been into work and then back to PMH to check on the boys I was settled into my new room and waiting on news of their progress. Both boys had been taken off the ventilators and were on the CPAP machines but were both breathing air only. They seemed to be doing quite well considering the rough start they had been given.

Wednesday I was feeling up to making a trip to PMH myself to see my babies properly for the first time. I got up and showered early and we prepared to leave. The Dr came in on his rounds again and we had a little chat and went over the same things – the fact that it was unfortunate but necessary, that we will never know if the fall was the cause of the distress or even if it was a lucky coincidence that I did fall over because a problem was brewing that we were unaware of (the Dr seems to think this is highly likely!) I shuffled off slowly downstairs and Dan fetched the car. I was trying to be really brave and hold it together but it was all very overwhelming and when we entered the NICU for the first time I was feeling very emotional. I started crying and dropped my bundle for a little bit! The nurses got me a wheelchair to sit in and once I had calmed down a little we went around to where the babies were. Seeing them for the first time was very surreal. I remember feeling like they didn't really belong to me, I didn't know them. There were these two tiny little babies lying there with tubes and drips all over them and it was not meant to be this way – they were still meant to be in my belly and this nightmare was not meant to be happening!!

We stayed for a while and I reached in and stroked their arms and legs a few times but that was all the contact I had with them that day. I felt very disconnected and extremely stressed. The rest of that afternoon was spent back at Murdoch hospital. The trip in the morning really took it out of me and I needed to rest. Dan went home for a shower and a shave and he picked Lachlan up from school. After collecting Lachie Dan came back up the hospital and Mum and Kim came in with Niamh and Cody for a visit (I hadn't seen them since Monday, and I wasn't really with it then!) The kids seemed to be coping really well staying with mum and dad and it was nice to see them but the noise levels always rise when they come to visit, as do my stress levels so they didn't stay for too long. Kim, Mum and Dan had arranged to take the kids up to the hospital to meet their little brothers for the first time so everyone left my room to go to PMH and take shifts in taking the kids in to see the bubs. That was also the day we decided to name the babies (we thought it was about time, LOL!) We decided that Twin 1 would be named Max (it was later decided he would be Max Kenneth) and that Twin 2 would be Blake Daniel.

Thursday morning Dan and I got ready and went off to PMH again to see our little boys. This was the first day that I actually got to hold them (individually) and the first time that I started to feel a real connection to them. It is so hard to feel involved when you can't touch and kiss your babies, you are not responsible for feeding them or changing them.....none of their basic care is in your hands and I had really been feeling like they weren't mine. I held Max first and Dan took lots of photos and video, then after a while we switched over and I also got to hold Blake. Once they were in my arms I realised just how small they are and how different they felt to my other babies when they were born, but I also felt like they “belonged”. They were my babies and they really felt like ours.

Thursday night was Alan and Janettes turn (MIL and FIL) to meet the babies so after the afternoon was spent resting at the hospital Alan and Janette popped in to see me before Dan took them up to PMH.

Friday I was feeling like I hadn't had a chance to even speak to my mum yet! She had stepped up and taken care of the kids pretty much constantly since Monday afternoon on her own and I am so greatful for how much she has done for us. She was bound to be feeling tired by now and I know how much she would have liked the chance to talk to me and kind of de-brief about all that had happened (I also really needed that myself! I am really close to mum and share everything with her so I really needed her too that day!) Dan arranged to take over the care of the kids for that day so Mum took Lachie to school and then Dan went to Mums house to pick up Cody and Niamh and take Cody to his swimming lessons. That left mum and dad free to come in and spend some time with me. Since they couldn't get here early Kim came and sat with me for the morning and it was nice to have her there as I was feeling really really emotional! My milk had started to come in and I was just feeling very teary and sorry for myself. I think the whole experience was finally starting to hit me and I was still trying to process the events of the past few days. Mum and Dad came up by about 10.30 and we all sat and chatted for a while in my room. After a while we started to talk about the need for a breast pump as I will be pumping and taking milk to the babies at PMH and then finally back to Murdoch when they are able to be transferred again. We researched the options for a while and decided that it was better in the long run to actually buy a new pump ($507 later!) and have it to use for as long as I like and then be able to sell it at a later date second hand. Some phone calls were made and we found the pump I was after at the chemist at Gateways so I got them to hold it for me and we finally had that issue sorted out!

By about 1.00pm Mum, Dad and I were ready to head up to PMH to see the babies (Dad hadn't seen them yet) So we parted ways with Kim and Dad fetched the car for me. This was my really low day and I was in tears for practically the whole day!! From the time we arrived at PMH to the time I went to sleep that night I don't think there was a minute that my eyes weren't leaking tears!! The babies had gone a little backwards as they were not tolerating their feeds very well and it was upsetting their tummies. The nurses said there was no point in pushing it as sometimes if they are pushed they can actually develop other problems (sometimes requiring surgeries etc..) On the plus side they were spending more time off the CPAP than on. All in all they were doing well and still progressing, it's just a very slow process and there is no timetable for it – it's all up to the babies and how they respond.

I spent a teary afternoon back in my room in the company of mum and dad (who were looking like they could do with a good cry themselves at this point!) but I know mum was really worried about me and she managed to talk me into getting Dan to change his plans for the night and come back in to be with me. The original plan was that Dan would spend some time with the kids and let them watch the big brother friday night games that they love! They like to sleep in the lounge and eat popcorn so we thought that it would be nice for them to do that with Dan since the poor little buggers had hardly seen him all week! Still... I was an emotional wreck and it was decided that I really needed him here with me so Mum and Dad arranged to sleep at our house and Dan would set the kids up and spend some time with them as planned before coming in to see me. Kim and Tom and their three kids came in to keep me company while I was waiting for Dan and it really helped to keep my mind off the misery I was feeling. When Dan came in later that night it was so nice just to know that I was not alone and that he was going to be there with me. We had a talk and a cry together and shared how we were feeling, we ate chocolate to cheer ourselves up then both fell into an exhausted sleep while watching a DVD together!

Saturday morning – we went back up to PMH early to see how the boys were getting on. I was feeling much brighter and more positive and to my delight was told that I would be able to have a double cuddle for the first time :) After the nurses sorted a few things and the Drs did their rounds we were set up in a comfy chair and the bubs were handed to me, first Max in one arm and then Blake! It was so nice to finally see what it felt like to hold them both and to have them together. Dan again took lots of photos and video and I relaxed back in the chair and enjoyed my cuddle. After a while I surrendered them to Dan and he had a turn but eventually they had to go back under the lights for their jaundice so after a few quick photos were taken of them side by side we handed them back to the nurses and then headed downstairs for a chat and something to drink. We went back up to say goodbye to Blake and Max before we left and the nurse told us that they would be trying them on milk again from the afternoon and see how they go. We rang that night to check on them and were told that Blake was on 2ml every three hours and was going really well, they were going to increase it to 4ml at the next feed! Max was still going ok on 2ml but they had not yet decided to increase his feeds.

So that brings us to now! I am very happy at the latest news of the feeding progress and am feeling very tired but quite relaxed. I have decided to go home tomorrow morning so we will be checking out of Hotel Murdoch by 10am tomorrow and then back off to PMH to see my little cherubs once more before going home to see my big babies (who I have missed incredibly, and am looking forward to being reunited with!)

3/6/07

Today I was discharged from SJOGH Murdoch. We got up early and packed up my room so that as soon as the midwife had seen me one final time we could leave. We headed into PMH before coming home and sat with the babies till about lunch time. Max and Blake aredoing quite well now. They are both stable off the CPAP and breathing well on their own. They have also started feeding them again and Max seems to be tolerating it well so he was going up to 4 ml every 3 hours this afternoon. Blake doesn't seem to be digesting his quite so well for some reason so they stopped feeding him for a little while and ordered some tummy x-rays. The X-rays came back and didn't actually show any reaso why he might have been having troubles so they were going to leave it 4 hours and then try 2mls again this afternoon. We got to have a cuddle of Blake but Max was under lights and the nurses were too busy at the time so we never got to hold little Max. It's so hard to believe that tomorrow my babies will be a week old and I have only held Max twice and Blake three times for a total of about 20 mins. It makes me feel sad when I think about them lying there in that hospital with so many strangers around them and they are not even in the same cot together. They must wonder where their brother has gone! I have also noticed that whenever I am by their bedside and I speak they seem to open their eyes and look for me – maybe my voice is familiar to them? I like to think it might give them some sort of comfort anyway.

ETA: The photos at the top of this post are:
1) Marnie having the first double cuddle 2.6.07
2) Blake
3) Max
4) Blake
5) Max
6) Blake